When They Called Me FAT!

There are a million things on my mind that i could write about right now, but there's only one thing that i really feel like getting off my heart. Isn't it weird how when someone whom you know cares about you keeps repeating something about you that really hurts you? No wait, that's not the weird part, the weird part comes when you know that this person KNOWS that it hurts you when they say that. Weird, huh?

Well, just moments ago i heard someone (who shall remain nameless) in the next room saying that they're afraid that i'll get fat. Now, anyone knows you should NEVER say such a thing about a girl!! And even more when she isn't fat at all!!! When it comes to weight, other than those noodle-waist girls, most of us fluctuate. Thank God I fluctuate within invisible range!! I know i never was fat, i know i'm not fat, and i'm determined never to be fat. Nevertheless, when a guy said it to me straight on; he was like "you know, you shouldn't be eating that, you need to be losing weight", and i was thinking "where is that crane that had such a painfully looking hook?! Oh yea, over there..go play with it honey, it's a nice toy!!! I mean, REALLY! It took more than that to crush me tho..it took two more jer--uh--guys to really blow me out! And as i said, i know i'm not fat, but it kinda makes you wonder...is this really how the world sees me?! Oh what the hell, go hassle someone else!

Anyhow, when you've had a not-so-pleasant experience with something, and someone so close to you just keeps rubbing it in your face..it HURTS! You want to scream out I'VE HEARD ENOUGH CRAP ABOUT THIS I DON'T NEED IT FROM YOU! you expect the people closest to you to at least not put more gas to the fire. Jeez!

So i was about to storm into the room and scream my head off about how upset and hurt i am and how inconsiderate this is, when i just found myself sort of in a trance, with the sweet image in my head of ''what if i don't do it?'' what if i just give myself a few minutes to cool down, deal with this, don't be like a blob of potassium in a tub of water (one of my fav. experiments in IG Chemistry btw). It is ok. It is absolutely fine. And hey, if i'm so damn sure of body, what the heck does it matter what others say! HA! RIGHT IN YOUR FACE!!

It somehow gives you a sense of strength and power. You were able to hear something about yourself that completely set the fireworks off in your head, but you didn't just react like a lab monkey and went off on everyone. It so cool!

A Break

Dear Friends and Readers..

I will not be posting for a long time..I am going through some difficult times right now..and I won't be able to write down any thoughts.

Have a wonderful day..and may you hear some great news soon :)

All the best,
Lubna

Old Friends

I am better today..thank God these mood swings don't last long with me.

I met an old friend today in college..it was really cool talking and talking like that..I love having chats with mature people, especially if they're old friends..because the formalities phase is over..u know what they mean when they say something and u just be urself with them. In my opinion, that's one of the best things about knowing someone for a long time.

Sometimes you could be in a bad mood or just tired of life and studying and stuff, and then a friendly chat like that could lighten your heart.

Another thing that makes me feel good is the stage I have reached in this blog..it has become like an old friend too. I know that at anytime I could just sit down and write freely, no writer's block or anything. I'm not feeling shy like I do when I just met someone. It's more like the one person you call up when you really need to talk about anything and be sure that they won't misunderstand you or make fun of you.

I have nothing more to say ppl..

Realizations..

Today I realized that I reached my 50th post! That calls for a celebration :D

Yesterday I found out that when pharmacy students finish their practical exams their mood completely transforms from bummed out to elated! Laughing and throwing jokes all over! It's good to see people that happy :)

Throughout the last few months I truly came to believe that if you relax and don't make a fuss over something you want, it will come straight to to you, you will be able to enjoy it, and those who didn't want you to have it will be the ones who will bring it to you! This is a feeling of ecstasy..

I also realized that all my deadlines are aproaching me like a speed train..sunday, wednesday, wednesday, tuesday, thursday..and then BOOM! it's exam time..then...the Big Bang..my graduation presentation. Uh-Oh..Big time tummy butterflies! Now I just lost my appetite..that's bad :(

My Life

I have always said that I want to be a source of happiness and comfort to everyone around me. I just didn't really know how to do it or why. Sure I knew that I derive part of my happiness from seeing those around me happy, but that wasn't something solid to build a lifestyle on. So today, just a while ago actually, I was watching an episode for Omar Abd El Kafy and the title of this episode was "What is the path to happiness?" It intrigued me to watch it and so I did..and at the very end of the show, he said something about how God loves those who make people around them happy. I realized that I could take a neyya (intention) in doing what I want to do, and not only will it make me happy, I will be getting a reward from God, and I will be sure that He will guide me in the right direction in doing this.

Sometimes it would seem silly that I want to make this goal a huge part of my life..but then when I help someone, or put a smile on someone's face..or give a friend a hug when they're crying..I know that I'm on the right track. I know that it's all worth it :)

I'm trying to think of a title..but I'm too exhausted!

A lot of people are blaming me for saying that I find it difficult to trust people anymore..it's like everyone is strong, confident, trusting, and all that..99% of those who tell me to trust people probably can't trust anyone themselves! But anyhow..what I realized through my thinking is that it's not that I don't trust people with my secrets..because that I do..I say things to people that, if I don't trust ppl in that manner, wouldn't dream of telling them anything. The way in which I don't trust people, as I discovered, is that I just can't trust them with my feelings..I can't trust to be open and myself with them. I can't trust people to be something and act as something else..and I end up discovering a year or so later. I just can't take that anymore..I keep my guard up at all times..I mean, what's the point of getting hurt when I could just avoid it? To be truthful, I'm blessed that no one has hurt me by letting my secrets out..maybe because I'm always keen on keeping others' secrets so God is rewarding me that way..so I don't really feel the lack of trust in that manner..but rather in the way I've explained before.

Well..that's it, I just had to let that out now. I've aching all over (stress-pain, nothing to worry about), so I can't write anymore.

For Old Times' Sake!

Today I got in touch with an old old friend..We've known each other since we were in grade 2. I realized today that he's the oldest friend I have! I mean, because I've travelled back and forth changing schools, I've had to make new friends each time..he was the only one whom I came back feeling like I had never left! Well..sure when I went back to Kuwait for the last three years of school, we didn't talk at first..but that's because each one thought that the other had forgotten about them. But it turned out to be true that great friendships are lasting even if you don't live in the same country!! Anyway..so it was good to hear from him again..I was all nostalgic about the good ol' days, and it was good to know that a cherished friend is doing ok.

On another level...It's 12.39 am..I've got tonnes to do (yes, as usual!) and I...well..just don't want to do it!! Mini-dillemma (is that two 'L's or two 'm's?)

Looking back on life in high school made me realize how much I was in heaven to be oblivious to many things..it just helps you be all white and innocent..well..only difference is that now I know a bunch of stuff more..I'm still white and innocent..I'm scared of people, finding it difficult to trust them, and find myself just reading into everything they do or say..It's exhausting! I hate it.

But anyway..saying that just gave me a pang in my heart..i hate that feeling so i will stop talking about that.

k ppl...take care

Random Thoughts

Standing in total darkness..total silence, I peek out..it's not there. My friend is not there tonight. I wonder what could be wrong? I'm sure there's a good reason though.

I took in the whole scene again..the all too familiar tranquility and intense darkness. I loved every second of it. Looking out from my window, it feels like I live in one of those small cozy villages. Like those villages here in Egypt at the North Coast..where you would look out the window in the dark of the night and feel the beautiful weather and serenity embrace you. Like you are the child and the world is your loving tender mother. I know I talk about this scene outside my window a lot..but this wouldn't have been, if it did not stir different emotions in me each time. Sometimes they may even be emotions of sadness..but not tonight. Tonight I was at peace. Total peace. I could hardly feel the walls around me, or the window sill that is caging me in..I could feel like I was going to spread my wings and fly at any moment. One of the things I enjoy most about being with my brother..is that he is almost the opposite of what I am, yet we are like one mind in two bodies..of course not all the time! I mean, at situations where we're enjoying a quiet night just reading..or just sitting there enjoying the silence..we both just know what to do..what the other wouldn't like at that moment so we don't do it. It is such a blessing and a wonderful feeling to feel so synchronized with someone so close to you. It is a bond I hope will forever stay as close..but I'll make sure it doesn't ruin either our married lives..no intrusions allowed on either side.

Sometimes it is very scary when you know exactly what you want..but you can't describe it. You know that when you see it you will say "YES! That's it!", but when people ask you about it you're not really sure how to say it. Oh well..

So I'll go get some zzzz's now..I have a looong day ahead of me.

Cheers..

My Flower

Walking through the university gate, passing by the flowers and gardens along the way..watching people socialize even though they're half asleep..all the sounds, scents, faces..A scene that I've come to love so much. It's grown on me. It somehow makes me feel safe now, the familiarity of the whole atmosphere just warms me up even on the coldest mornings. There is a certain flower that I particularly love. It looks heavenly to me. A very delicate flower, semi-translucent petals, you can see it's "veins" if you know what I mean..there are so many colors of it..yellow, orange, red, but my favorite is the fuschia/magenta color. It has this deep intense color..it takes you in. Makes you want to reach out and embrace them. The garden isn't exactly at ground level, it is a little like on a hill and the highest point of that hill is the one next to the wall that separates the path we walk on from the garden. So anyway, I was walking this morning, and at one point I realized that I was walking under my favorite flower. I was tempted to reach out and touch it. I was just about to stretch my arm..it was, after all, just above my head. Then a thought occured to me. We don't always do what occurs to us, what we wish for..what we just "want to do". I remembered how when we were children our parents would always tell us "don't touch this" "don't do that" you know, normal parenting! And as a very curious kid I got that a lot..only by the time my mom actually saw me..it was too late!! Aah..good old days :)

I know this particuar situation is trivial..or seems trivial. I mean, I could dramaticize it if I want, like say, for example that certain flowers die (the petals turn brown and dry out) if you touch them..and that when I put my hand on it I will certainly be tempted to pick one (it wasn't just one, like a whole bouquet of them). I knew that picking one would certainly hurt it..because it wasn't going to last long with me. I like drying flowers, but this one is too delicate to dry..it would've shrivelled up.

Anyway, so that brought to my mind how when we start to grow up, we give ourselves certain restrictions, we don't just do whatever comes to our mind. There is, ofcourse, spontaneity; but that's a different story..that's the story of my life. Then there's foolishness, immaturity. Doing something just because you want to, without considering the consequences and reprecussions. I realized, at that very moment under the flower, that this self-control comes with the territory. It comes with growing up and maturing. Some people don't feel it..they just do it. Some people have to train themselves for a long time before they grasp the concept. And of course, there are those people that don't even think about it, and don't really care to. These are the people that we see speeding up in a puddle just to see the water splash..but there are people on the sidewalk, there are other cars on the road. There are people going to work, coming home after a long day, or on their way to big appointment/meeting. This kind of thing would sure as hell piss them off! I realize that you know you have grown up and matured when you find yourself stopping yourself from doing something you know is wrong or in some way painful to others.

It actually feels good to reach that realization.

My dear friends..stop and think before you do or say something that you can never take back, and may hurt someone, even if that someone is yourself. And don't convince yourself that you deserve something just because you want it. Personally I am a very curious person..and the number of things that I would love to try and do and say..they are endless. I'm sure if I let go of myself I wouldn't be a very pleasant person..let me just tell you this: I love experimenting with fire! So if no one else minded..I know my parents will!

New Post Series: Reasons I Am Happy.

That last post inspired me to create a series of posts with the title "Reasons I Am Happy", which will simply be a list of the things that I feel are making me happy at that particular moment. This will (a) help me continue being an optimistic cheerful person as I always have been, (b) spread joy and hope to my dear readers, (c) remind me of the small things in life that can be a reason for happiness, (d) remind me that not only big things make people happy, that small things CAN and DO bring happiness, (e) I can't find anything to write here but I seem to like the idea of listing stuff!! :P

So watch out world..Happy Lulu is coming back!! and with reinforcements!! :P

The series however do not have to be one after the other..i mean I'll post about other things in between..but for this series I will give them the title I mentioned above. So tune in every couple of days..we always offer the latest news of love, life, and happiness :)

Senzi: My New Addiction!

ATTENTION CHOCOLATE LOVERS: I just had my first Galaxy Senzi..I'm sure this chocolate came from heaven. It is the best that Galaxy has come up with yet. It outdid Lindt, Ritter Sport, and..well..no, not Guylian! This still ranks first place! I now know that the T.V. commercial they have for Senzi is NOT overdone..it is just right. This chocolate gives you tingles..it's like...well..all the things you love put together! It's not really comfort food..more like a taste of luxury..

Today I am happy for the following reasons:

1. Had my fav. latte at Cilantro's.
2. Had my fav. brownie and Cilantro's.
3. Hung out with my fav. cousin at my fav. mall.
4. I helped someone (my cousin's husband) out, which is something that always makes me happy.
5. Obviously, I just had an amazing bar of chocolate.
6. I went out without planning ahead..and I love spontaneity.
7. I bought a new book..a Sherlok Holmes novel.
8. I had a great laugh from my heart with my cousin (who happens to be the funniest person in the family--and she doesn't even try to be..she's just like that!)
9. I still have the rest of my brownie with me! That's always good news for whenever I'm hungry on the university bus and didn't have time to grab something. Hehe..
10. I was able to find 9 reasons to be happy in an absolutely ordinary day! Which assures me that I am still an optimistic person.
11. I had some slightly upsetting news this morning yet I managed to overcome them and not spend the day mourning.
12. I was talking to my college bestfriend on the fone (while I was at the mall) and she sounded particularly happy and cheerful --this made me so happy, actually maybe more than the other stuff, because I noticed she had been unlike herself lately...like for the past 6-7 months. and she always blames it on the weather or her lack of sleep..but I never believe her anyway!
13. I realized today that quite a number of ppl like to read my blog..and I'm loving that idea..and more contributions would be appreciated ppl!!
14. ok..too tired to be happy anymore!

So there are 13 reasons why I am happy tonight..I am a lucky lucky girl :) and I'm not lucky because I have those reasons to make me happy..I'm lucky because I realize those things as reasons to be happy. Or lets say..blessed..I'm blessed..I don't believe in luck or coincedence.

Goodnight now before I get to happy to sleep!!
Luv ya ppl..find your peace in this world.


PS. And no..I'm not in love or anything! I know I sound like I'm head over heels or something..walking around singing love songs to chairs and stuff..but no..I'm just relieved of huge burdens, things I have been worried about for so long and finally glad to have them go away. Thank God.

My Window

I was just standing at my sactuary..my bedroom window. Taking in the view I have been looking at for the past 4 years every day. Loving every second I am standing at that window. Why is my window my sanctuary? well..because this window has always represented new life and new hope to me. I always dreamt of standing on the sill and flying away..just hovering over this beautiful city at night. When everything else is quiet and asleep. I stood there with the refreshing chilly air blowing gently in my face, reminding me that there are still beautiful things out there in life. I stood there..I carefully inspected the scene. They're repainting the buildings in front of ours. They stand not too close..about a hundred meters away (then again..I was always bad with estimations!) well..they were far enough not to be able to see us without binoculars. They're looking beautiful with the new coat of paint. I love everything new and modern and clean. I was very happy standing there. Then I looked at the building closer to us..a school, that was never meant to be. An old school building that stood there forever. Never alive, never hopeful. I enjoyed the contrast the two provided. The old and the new. Or..the seemingly new in this case. Then I looked far off into the distance and I saw what had always completed my perfect scene. The tiny lights in the distance, and two cranes that have been working on some kind of construction that never seems to end! The three together looked to me like the old, the new, and the future. Nice. Seeing those cranes in action and the lights twinkling at me far from the distance has always been an intriguing sight for me..like a kitten that sees a box, one side open, dark inside, and is dying to go see what's inside the box..well..the cat died (they do say curiosity killed the cat didn't they?!!) and the box turned out to be empty (seriously..why would anyone give a kitten a box that was full to play with!! OF COURSE IT'S EMPTY! :P ) So anyway..I enjoy the sounds that I hear late at night. A few cars here and there..a dog barking, cat meowing, the sound of the security guards at the lonely, hollow school securing the gate lock. The sound of feet walking home, eager and unable to wait to rest after a long day of frustration and hard work. The "Goodnight" and "See you tomorrow" that come from the simple, hardworking people. The sound of the truck that pulls up every night at midnight to deliver meat to the butcher under my house. The sound of sweet life saying goodnight to me. Bidding me farewell to a new day, a new adventure, new hope, new love..nothing is ever the same when you open your eyes each day. Even the routine that you do each day..there is no way it is 100% identical each day.

I am tired..goodnight now..and see you in a new adventure...

A Post About Nothing

Sometimes, when certain things happen to you, you don't know whether you should be happy or sad..flattered, or agitated. You get a wild mixture of emotions in only a few seconds..and you think your brain has stopped functioning. Well..a good workout and a cold shower can always help with that, trust me on that! You realize that sometimes, we can believe that something is so right for us..and when you see what God has in store for you, it is as if a light bulb has gone off in your head. You see the other side of the story and you realize "wow". Am I making any sense? I hope so..

Ironically enough, my mom just came in and said the EXACT same thing to me, she doesn't know what I've been thinking about, and in fact she was talking to me about my brother and my dad. Amazing how God keeps sending you messages all the time..only those of us who want to see them will.

And when He does send us a message, don't read too much into it..God works in much simpler ways. Sometimes it is the surface meaning we should take, and sometimes we should look deeper..just follow your heart and if you keep it pure, know that it will guide you to the right thing.

I Feel Good

Today..I feel wonderful :D

Why do I feel wonderful? Well..because I faced a truth about myself, that I didn't know existed in me, and this made it easier for me to get rid of it. This changed my perspective on some things, and it made me feel so much lighter. I have hope, I have faith, and I have a chocolate cake in the kitchen! :P

I am a happy happy girl. I love it.

I know I'm not making any sense..but I don't care :D I am just happy :D

Baby's Day Out!

Today was an amazing adventure! Oh God where do I start! Well..I'll start by saying that I could not get any sleep last night..I was up till 4 am, which of course meant that I woke up at 12 noon. I hate that! I was supposed to go at 11 am to do the last of our crazy photography work! I love photography and all, but the places this dude sends us need a man, and we're all girls! Well..except for this one guy. A really decent guy. So, he wanted us to photograph a historical place in Egypt and a craft. The former is self-explanatory, and the second..well..all that means is that we had to go somewhere where they manufacture something like gold, brass ware, chairs, pottery..anything at all. I was terrified of what I was going to find there! And of course, I would not dream of going to a place like that all by myself! I took my mom (whom I've apologized to over a hundred times now!). It was a HOT day, I was wearing a Navy Blue veil, a white/navy blue striped shirt, and a denim skirt. I was STEAMING! Besides, I got a sunstroke, and boy do I get stroked! I came home so woozy from the sun I slept 2 hours. The trip, however, was very cool, the people were more than friendly. They didn't mind me taking photos at all. And hey, no harrassments! Woohoo! THAT is what made my day. Decent people.

So, we came home and all (I know I didn't put in any details..but I'm still out of balance from that sun stroke, later people, I promise :) maybe not as one chunk, but I'll integrate it into different posts), I had for lunch one of my favorite meals. Shrimps. I just love 'em. And..the best part wasn't the eating..it was the COOKING! Yes, I made them myself. WOOHOO! It was unbelievably easy. When I was a kid I used to have my mom remove all the heads from the shrimps, hehe..now I'm cooking them! WITH THE HEADS! Along with some of my special homemade pink mayo (and that does not just mean that I put some ketchup on the mayo I buy from the store, it means that I MAKE the mayo myself, and then add some ketchup that, yes, I did buy from the store!) I love homemade mayo, and unlike the widely known myth, it does not go bad quicker than store bought mayo. It lasts for a long time in the fridge and it tastes amazing :)

My friend, the star, I saw it again tonight..with two more stars! I've been seeing it on and off since I last wrote about it. But tonight it had some company! but you know what..they were so far away from each other..and the other two were smaller and flickering. Hmm..maybe they weren't friends..maybe they were bullying my friend..I'll have to look out for it, I can't have my friend upset and not do anything about it. Or maybe..it is a love triangle..the other two stars are fighting over that one star. I haven't decided whether my friend star is a he or a she, so the other two obviously have to be the opposite! Hey..anyway..I think I'd better stay away from personal affairs! It looks like my friend has been fooling around! :P

I've got to go now..I'm not making any sense to myself! And I'm still feeling woozy from the sun.

Take care my friends..

with all my love..

Cup of Comfort

I discovered that nothing soothes me more than a cup of warm milk, brought to life with a couple teaspoons of good quality honey. Just like the old days. Aaaah! The comforting warmth of the milk as it fills the emptiness of my mouth and my heart on long sleepless nights. The strong sweetness of the honey, so strong it almost feels as if the clock has stopped, yet so gentle and numbing that forces my eyes shut in ecstasy. It is a photograph that captures the stillness of the moment. The sip that drains all my worries and sorrows, the endless train of horrible thoughts that keep me up all night even though my head is screaming for my pillow. It cleanses my mind. Yea, it seems quirky having all this admiration for a cup of milk! But it was this cup of milk that gently rocked me to sleep during my childhood. No lullaby, no story, no stroking, and no bath could work its magic on me like this cup of milk with a hint of honey. Not sugar. Honey. Not juice. Milk. Warm --not too hot, not cold at all-- Just warm enough to stay warm until I reach the bottom of it. The bottom I never seemed to reach since I was always falling asleep halfway through the cup! Which makes me wonder..why didn't my mom just make me a half cup to begin with? Oh well, maybe she did! Everything seemed big and tall back then! : )

The comfort I get out of a mug of warm milk is like the comfort I get out of a friend's hug when I'm down, or the safety I feel when my dad or brother put their arm around my shoulder to protect me from any harm..or hold my hand as we cross the street even though I try to convince them that I am 20 and I've been crossing the death streets of Egypt for the past four years! It is the same comfort I feel when my mom tells me "I Love You" for no apparent reason. Most of all, it is the few moments that I can have that teleport me back to when I was a child. A little girl who always saw the best in people and helped everyone despite her parents' warning about talking to strangers. The little girl who smiled at anyone if their eyes met. The girl who feared nothing, knew nothing, and hated nothing. That little girl will always be inside me to stroke my heart and assure me that I was once what I now crave to become again. Fearless, soft, and never letting anyone step on her toes.

This, my friends, is my cup of comfort.

Goodnight now. I have had my milk.

Memories..& Diaries :)

I was looking through some old things, trying to find a piece of paper, and I came accross my old diaries and pieces of paper that I'd written thoughts on when I happy or sad. It was a remarkable experience..it was like my whole past was all gathered in a few pieces of paper. In just some words (about 2 notebooks long and a few scattered papers) was my whole childhood and teen life. I laughed out many times at the way I wrote and the things I said when I was about 12 years old. Gosh! Childhood was..well not so long ago that's for sure!

I also teared up some while reading a few of the things I wrote. All the memories of loved ones who have passed away..feeling left out in a crowd of people and not knowing what to do. High school crushes and how stupid and cute they were! It's amazing how you become aware of things now that you were so oblivious to in the past..it makes a world of difference in the way you see things and think about them.

I remembered so many things I had forgotten about myself, and discovered things that I never knew existed..except of course they must have if I wrote about them!

I was always so excited about buying new pens, I would be so anxious to rush home and try them out in my diary..even if i really didn't have anything to write!

It was all so cute, the expressions and catches we had at that age. It was also very real at the time! Everything was such a big deal and seemed like the end of the world if we didn't get this or didn't do that like our friends!

Reading those things also helped me recognize where some of the things I feel or think now come from. It's true that some of the things that happen to you as a child or a teenager stick with you your whole life. Yea..I know..unless you do something to get rid of them..that's another story!

Amongst the stuff I had written, I found a poem I had written..not quite long ago I think. It was something I just scribbled down:

I've asked myself so many times,

what true love is really like.

I've searched so long with hope to find

the core, the heart of this word "love",

I finally realized I've been making one mistake,

All that time, in search for love I've asked not my heart,
but my mind.

If love is, as they say, a pure sensation,

then my mind will never find the meaning I need,

I need to ask my heart for he's the owner

of such a blessing, of honest love.

I've asked my heart long after that, of what it knows of
love;

My heart so young stood blank not knowing much of
love,

I've begged it hard to imagine what the feeling is
like.

After time it felt so bad, for not helping me, for making me
cry.

So then, my heart, I told it, describe the amourous
soul,

Oh dear, it said, what can I say? It is a totally different
world;

To be in love is purity,

To be in love is white,

To give without expecting,

To love without reward,

To feel your beloved's pain, when you are worlds
apart,

To share the joy that's growing and lighting up his
heart.

To put your sorrow aside, to enjoy his honest
smile

And hide your joy and hug him when his heart is sad and
crying,

To love is to always know

You always have a friend, a brother, a parent, and a
child.

To love is to always know

That a hand will dry your tears even before they
fall

That a breeze will cool your heart on the hottest days of
sorrow

That someone will embrace you when they sense the slightest
fear.

To love is to always wish that your beloved is at his
best,

To know that loving something is letting go when you
should.

To be in love is to see the world a beautiful
place,

Because you know that you have someone, no matter what you
face.

At the end of a long tough day, you are home with your
love..in the still of the night.

Everything is quiet, so peaceful, so calm.

Everything is happy, that the lovers reunite.

The only noise around is the longing of the
hearts,

The souls that need each other, that need to feel so
close

This is love...and so much more..

True sensations cannot be described..they must be
felt.

Questions...

There are some questions that occur to me..strange things I wonder about..like..why do some veins appear blue and other purple? Or why do some veins stand out on your hands or legs? There must be a reason..I'm sure there is. Or take this, why do you sometimes feel like sneezing..and it just goes?! It's so frustrating, and I really want to know why. Which brings to my head another question..why are our heads one big cavity? it's like one big department store, and the different sections are open to each other..

It's endless..the number of questions that come to my mind..those questions I just can't seem to find an answer for.

I wish I do..one day..

A Star

Last night..I discovered a star. A star that I realized, only yesterday, that I have been seeing for a very long time. It's a lonely star, stands proud in the sky, alone, every night. It could be a satellite, I don't know, but I like to think it's a star. It's my new friend, I feel like I can reach out and touch it..I know it's a million miles away, but I feel close to it. It looks like a friendly star, and each night I wonder why it's the only one that's so bright..in fact, why it's the only one I can see. Then I wonder, why does it disappear after a while? It went to sleep, I tell myself. I will have to remember to say goodnight to my new friend every night before I go to sleep..or before it does :) I remember now, whenever I would feel lonely or sad, I would go sit outside in the balcony, or just open the window and stare into the void, I would melt in with the sky..the intense black sky. I would look at the moon, or this star, my friend. It's a very loyal friend, too. It would always be there when I needed it. Never let me down. I can always count on it.

I've always loved the sky, day or night..I always find myself looking at it. But for some reason, I always felt closer to the sky at night. When everything was black, and peaceful. I remember when I would be at the beach at night, everything would be so peaceful..just the sound of the waves kissing the shore, no noise, no kids fighting, nothing. I would stand as close as I could to the sea..just the sea, the moon..and me. I could stand there talking to the sea, my good old friend..the friend that never let my secrets out..the friend that never laughed at me, or criticized my thoughts. My trusted loyal friend. It was the sea that I could always rely on to take all my worries far far away..never bring them back..never give them away. The sea was always like the old wise friend I long for..and the star was the young friend I could share all the exciting stuff with. They were the friends that never left you, never betrayed you..never gave up on you.


They are my soulmates.

Mistakes...

We all make mistakes..we all do, really. Some are big mistakes..some small ones. It's the way life is, no one is mistake-proof. Normally, when we make a mistake start feeling guilty right after it; sometimes we dismiss the guilt..but sometimes it's too powerful to ignore. Again..that's the way life is. Logically, we should learn from our mistakes and not repeat them in the future. That doesn't always happen. In fact, that doesn't happen most of the time. We instinctively perform and repeat whatever action that gives us any form of pleasure, even if it's consequences are sour. The only actions that we do not repeat are those that do not give us any pleasure. For example, putting your hand in the oven while it's on 220 degrees Celcius, or sticking a pin in your finger wouldn't be something anyone would do over and over --except, of course, those who find pleasure in that..which is..well..freaky. But hey, to each his own!!

Basically, we're a species that learns by doing. We do something, we get hurt. Did it feel good? No. So we don't do it again. On the other hand, we might do something else, we get hurt. Did it feel good? Yes, it hurt but something else in that action gave me pleasure. I do it again. I know it will hurt, but it also gives me pleasure.

Now, wait a minute? Are you calling me stupid? What do you mean I'll do something again if I know it hurts? Even if it gives me pleasure, it still hurts..of course I won't do it. Hold it Hold it. CUT. I am NOT calling anyone stupid here. That is human nature. We seek anything that will give us pleasure, and we convince ourselves we can bear the pain, or the consequences.

So why would I do that? I could just do something that gives me pleasure and doesn't have painful consequences. Well, usually that thing that will bear unwanted consequences is wrong, and we know it is. Instinctively, doing the wrong thing is much MUCH easier to do than the right; so whenever we are depressed, in emotional pain, lonely, angry, jealous, frustrated..all that, we seek something to make us feel good. Of course, when you're in a mental state as such, you will look for the easy way out.

So the sequence of thoughts would be:

You're in a negative emotional/mental state --> you're not thinking straight, you want to feel better in any way--> Doing the right thing requires too much effort and hey, you could do it anytime!-->You give yourself an excuse to do the wrong thing because "you're angry, upset, hurt" or you "just want to do it"--> You start doing whatever it is that makes you feel better..all the while thinking "I know this will have consequences, but i don't care, I had to, I'm really tired, I've had it"--> you're done. You did what you were so desperate to do-->instantly, the satisfaction vanishes, the guilt appears.-->Uh Oh! This is the moment, your conscience is on its way, you're gonna get the whipping right now--> You're thinking of more excuses for doing something you knew was wrong, you run out of excuses..you start getting angry at yourself "why did I do this? Why did I let myself? I knew it was wrong, I shouldn't have done it. It wasn't that much fun anyway"-->But ofcourse, you don't admit that to anyone, you only say it to yourself-->Since you can't admit you feel guilty, you start getting short-tempered and angry, you take it out on whoever is around you and start saying "this is nobody's business, mind your own and keep your nose out of mine!"

Some of you will relate to this little story, others have it in another way..but it happens to all of us, one way or another. This doesn't make us bad, as I said, it is only human to make mistakes. BUT..it begins turning from 'human' to 'stupid' when you repeat it indefinitely. You know it hurts you, but you don't take any steps to stop it, you keep repeating it day after day, week after week, cigarette after cigarette, phone call after phone call, look after look..it all depends on what your mistake is..what is it that haunts you around and lurks on your every move..and ambushes you the moment you are weak. And the cycle starts again.


Does this mean we're doomed? Oh no, no way. God is far too generous and loving to leave us like that. First of all, we have the secret weapon of prayer. If we pray, we should know that He will never leave us, even if He responds a little later..there's always a reason for the delay. Second, in our times of strength, we should remind ourselves repeatedly of the pain we suffered from the consequences of our actions, so that in times of weakness it will be easier to remember what it will feel like IF we do this again. It helps, trust me.

Any feedback on this? I'd like to hear your thoughts, perhaps there might be something I could add to this. Thanks.

I've Got a Cold :(

Last night my head and throat were feeling a little funny, I knew it must be the beginning of a cold. I think my relationships with colds and flus (that's the plural for flu--it looks wierd with an 's' on the end!) is the longest relationship I've ever had! I haven't even known my school friends for that long! So I knew when my head started getting fuzzy, and my throat started itching..I was getting a visit from an old friend!! I'm just grateful it's not the flu, I can't bear fevers!!

So enough talking about this--except I'm not all upset about getting a cold coz it was the perfect excuse to stay at home today! I so didn't feel like going to college today :)

I kind of feel like I have writer's block; I've been trying to take photos recently but I just don't have that zing inside me that tells me what or how to take a photo..so I guess that's photographer's block! Usually when I see something I tell myself "this should be photographed" and I know exactly how to take the photo to make it come out looking good. Those days I just lost that..I guess it's the stress of work. The thing is, photography is one of the things that relax me so much, take me in another world..so feeling that I can't do it now is only adding to my frustration! Here I am, sitting at my desk, with my camera next to me, it's like an old friend is upset with you..man that feels bad :(

Ok I'll go do something now..

Dunno what tho..

I'm sure I'll figure something out..

Oh yea..I wanted to go to Virgin to buy a novel or something to read

ok then,

Toodles ;)

PS. I did that presentation, it went really well thank God, aaand..I managed to watch some of the movie. I am happy :)

Case:: Temporary Depression

ok, would it seem totally contradicting if I've just been talking about laughter yesterday, and today talk about how depressed I am? I don't know what happened, I guess I just suddenly feel so...flat. I'm not achieving anything from what I should be. GOSH! I don't even want to GO OUT. Now, that's what's really worrying me. Since when do i not want to go out?!

And to make matters worse, I just remembered I have to make a final draft of my mid-term essay for the graduation course AND make a powerpoint presentation on it. OUCH! How can i present something when I HARDLY UNDERSTAND IT! True, I wrote a paper about it, which is much harder than doing a presentation...but still, i wrote that paper WEEKS ago, and i was sticking pieces of information together to get the paper done..that doesn't mean I understand it!!!

In exactly 38 minutes, I will go watch Oprah..and the hell with that presentation. I think I'll watch You've Got Mail after that...it always puts a smile on my face :)

Adios..

Laughter...Really Is The Best Medicine

Hello my dear friends, today I've experienced what the expression "laughter is the best medicine" means. For some reason unknown to me, I found myself laughing my head off this afternoon..which entailed that I go tease my mom and deprive her of her nap!! I loved it! (well, not the nap deprivation part! but the laughter part!). I found myself making jokes about everything..and my mom was happy to see me like that (it's always nice to know someone likes to see you happy :) ) and was laughing like crazy for almost an hour straight. One of the best feelings is to laugh till it hurts! Did you ever try that? It's one of those things you don't experience everyday (and that's part of it's beauty, it's quite rare those days) so when it comes, it's always welcome. Earlier I had read an article about happiness, laughter and the whole package; it said that one of the best ways to aleviate depression is to laugh out loud, even if for no reason. Gosh! IT WORKS!!

Tip of the Day: Laugh. Laugh...and Oh yea..LAUGH!

Toodles..

:)

No Title!

I've discovered that when the going gets tough and I just can't take it anymore I've GOT TO TAKE A BREAK! I usually just keep pushing myself harder and harder till I break down. I wouldn't stop unless someone gives me a virtual slap and tell me to go take a little break. I realized that knowing when to stop work is a very difficult thing, at least for me it is!!

With that said, I'm going out with my mom to get a drink and walk around the mall :)

PS. I've got 3 major projects none of which I've started on. One is my grad paper..I have to start reading the novel, I keep telling myself..I just fall asleep everytime it's in my hands!!! C'est la vie d'une étudiante!!

Giving Back A Little

Oprah's show last night really got me thinking..In some previous posts I've wondered if there was still any good in the world. Sounded very pessimistic, I know. But it was always after a tough day that I'd said that..so I guess I could be forgiven! However, after I watched Oprah's show last night, I changed my perspective...

I will quote from the Oprah.com website to make sure I got the facts correct:

"John Wood was a man who achieved the American dream. A businessman at Microsoft since 1991, he was worth millions of dollars. He lived in the lap of luxury—he flew business class around the world, lived in a beautiful home and had a personal chauffeur. "There were times when I looked around and felt like I just hit the jackpot," he says.Then, John took a vacation that would change his life forever. "My first trip to Nepal in 1998 was taken just to escape from the constant 7/24, commando, business-warrior lifestyle," he says. "I trekked for 18 days through areas that had no paved roads, no cars, no telephones. People were living in poverty in conditions that I just found shocking."During his trip, John took an opportunity to visit a school, thinking he would see the "real Nepal." What he saw depressed him. Seventy five or 80 kids were crammed into a small room with dirt floors. "Most importantly, they had a library that had only about 20 books that were backpacker cast-offs, completely inappropriate for children," he says. "And I wondered, 'How can you ever break the cycle of poverty if the kids don't get educated?'"John vowed to return to the school within a year to bring books for a new library. "One of the teachers said to me, 'Many people have told us they will come back, but nobody ever does.'" After he left the school, John journeyed to Katmandu, Nepal, where he started e-mailing about 150 of his friends. "Here are all these villages that don't have libraries, that don't have books," he says. "And I thought, 'We can change that. But we have to act now.'"With the help of his father, John began gathering more books than he ever dreamed possible. "We thought we'd collect 300, 400 books. Three thousand books rolled in, in the first month," he says. Soon thereafter, John kept his promise. He and his father returned to Nepal, loaded eight donkeys with books and visited schools to stock their libraries.As John realized the scale of the problem, he began working on more book deliveries. And the reaction of the children in villages fueled his new mission. "These kids were just mobbing us. … As I take the books out of the backpack—it's like a mosh pit," he says. "It's like a literacy-palooza!"Once the children received their books, John says they began to learn about places they'd never seen. As one little girl looked at a book about outer space, John realized she didn't even know that man had ever walked on the moon. After his first book delivery, John returned to his day job at Microsoft…but he says something inside him had changed.At first, he tried to juggle his corporate responsibilities with his charitable cause. "I was doing my literacy project in kind of a half-baked manner, and I was doing Microsoft in kind of a half-baked manner…and I'm not really a half-baked kind of guy," he says. "I would be getting an e-mail from Bill Gates's assistant about Bill's visit to China, which I was supposedly in charge of. And I was, like, 'Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever, because I've got this mail over here from somebody who wants to give me 20 copies of a Dr. Seuss book for our libraries.'"Although John loved his job and all the perks that went with it, he was ready for a more meaningful existence. "I was feeling the pull," he says. "I thought, 'It's been a great eight years, but I'm making wealthy shareholders wealthier. Meanwhile, there are 800 million people in the developing world lacking basic literacy. … What kind of a man am I if I don't go face this challenge directly or devote my life to this?'"John made the difficult decision to quit his job so he could dedicate 100 percent of his energy to improving literacy in developing countries. "People said, 'You're crazy. You're having a midlife crisis,'" he says. "And I thought, 'Wouldn't it be a crisis to not follow my heart and not follow my passion?'" In just seven years, John transformed his side project into a successful nonprofit organization called Room to Read. Thanks to donations from publishing companies like Scholastic and the generosity of strangers, Room to Read has impacted the lives of more than a million children.So far, John and his team have distributed almost 3 million children's books, constructed 287 schools, established 3,600 libraries and funded more than 2,000 long-term scholarships for girls in third-world countries. But they didn't stop there!Room to Read has established local language publishing programs throughout the world so children can have access to culturally relevant books that are written in their native languages."We've had to literally find the Dr. Seuss of Nepal and the Dr. Seuss of Cambodia and give them a small amount of money to write and illustrate books that then are put in the hands of kids," he says. "By the end of this year, we'll have 250 original titles that we've produced that are all done by local authors." Since giving up millions to deliver books in rural Himalayan villages, John's life has changed dramatically. He says he's been left standing alone at a few dinner parties by people who were more interested in social status than global literacy."You give up a lot," he says. "But when [you] walk into a village … and [watch] the red ribbon get cut on a school, you think to yourself, 'This is not sacrifice. This is something that you can barely describe.' It makes you feel so good."John may be making less money than he ever has in his life, but he's also putting in more hours than he ever has before. "I feel lucky that I found this, but I also feel a certain sense of impatience because there are so many kids we haven't reached yet," he says. "Every week we get these heartbreaking letters in our office in San Francisco from people saying, 'When can you bring Room to Read to Cameroon? When can you bring Room to Read to the slums of Rio de Janeiro?' … We have to think about all the kids we haven't yet reached, and then just go back to work."Currently, there are more than 770 million illiterate adults in the world, two-thirds of whom are women and girls. John hopes to change this by building 20,000 new libraries by the year 2020."

Wouldn't it be wonderful if each one of us would take the time to do something for someone else? Imagine if each person helped just one person..wouldn't that bring love and faith into the world? Of course I'm not saying we should all open libraries and schools, and travel to poor countries..not all of us can do that..but just helping your neighbor, friend, parents, or even helping an old person or child cross the street would make the world a better place. You would be that person's hero.

Another woman that appeared in the show was also very inspiring; she clipped coupons from the paper..but not for herself...

"Last year, more than $300 billion worth of coupons were given out. Shockingly, less than 1 percent of them were used. You may look at coupons in a new light after meeting Barbara Franklin.In 2000, Barbara began using coupons to buy cartloads of groceries for impoverished members of her community. Savvy shopping allowed her to get hundreds of dollars worth of groceries for less than most people pay for a single meal at a fast-food chain. "[Once] my bill was $187, but when I finished [using coupons], I paid $3.02," she says.Barbara began passing out food from the trunk of her car, but when the demand outgrew her small Kia, her church allowed her to set up in the basement. Church members also agreed to help her categorize the food, clip coupons and stock up on more groceries. "We would go into the stores every Sunday, and we would wipe out the shelves," Barbara says.They started out helping 10 families, which grew to 100 and then 1,000. Now, Barbara runs a food pantry that feeds 1,500 families a month! When Barbara first started passing out food on the streets, she says she realized that it was a doorway into people's lives. Through these interactions, she realized her community needed more than a food pantry…they needed a community center.Barbara's church donated a nearby building for her community center, and she is working to raise funds to rehabilitate it. She also continues to run a food bank, an after-care center for children, a Section 8 program and a senior drop-off food program. "You could really see what the issues were in our community," she says. "I believed that the community center would be a lighthouse, so that I could see into the lives [of others]."


It's amazing, how someone could just devote their time and life to helping others..and it's so rewarding when you see the joy on peoples' faces, and seeing the results of your work. It's ecstatic.

I don't think I could say much more after these stories..except..It is so wonderful to give back.

(Note: The origin of the materials used in this post can be found at: www.oprah.com)

A Letter...2nd Edition :)

Well, according to a request from a blog visitor, who said that I should make the previous post "A Letter" more clear, I will explain some of the things that I think may have been unclear. We like to keep our readers satisfied :)

What I talked about in the first paragraph basically just meant that all of us, or at least most of us, have one or two things that they need so much but can't temporarily have it for some reason. We know that we will get this thing eventually, but because we need it so badly, we just can't wait to get to the moment in which we get it. So sometimes, you could see or hear something that gives you patience and helps you feel that it's ok to wait, you will still get what you want..eventually. This thing could be...well, anything..it depends on your life and personality, what you have and what you don't..what you need and what you don't.

Second paragraph is just a continuation of the first.

The third paragraph is a little off topic to the first two paragraphs, and I'm guessing that's where the confusion came from..The reason this happened was that I spaced out for a while after writing the first two paragraphs, then i wrote the third paragraph which was a fruit of my thoughts throughout the few minutes that i spaced out (by the way, spaced out means kont sar7ana)

I think the third paragraph is pretty much self-explanatory..unless i feel that way because i'm the one who wrote it. If it's still unclear, I'm willing to explain, Anonymous (whoever commented on the last post).

As for the last two lines..well, they come from something I heard yesterday..and I really related to them. I'm a little exhausted of how everything has become a negotiation now, from the shop assistant who tries to convince you that something is right for you when you swear to him/her that it won't (after all, it's you who's going to use it, what the hell is their business?!) to the study group you're with, to your family, even in marriage..all I'm hearing from people those days "they want this, but that's too much, it's her mom, it's his parents, they're in for the money, they don't know anything about marriage, but my parents don't understand me" UGH! it's just everywhere..even the most beautiful and joyous affairs have been turned into business-is-business type situation. Everyone is heartless, selfish, scared, dry...just not human. There's no inspiration in the world anymore..even creativity is only for the sake of making money. I'm not asking for a Utopian world, I know that will never exist. I am realist, mind you, I'm just saying...where's have feelings gone? Is there still such thing as caring for one another?

You know..it seems that someone is always trying to convince me with something, negotiate something..and it's always for their benefit. That's why I'm just sick and tired of this type of communication. No more just sitting down to chat, laugh, joke. I mean, it happens (I'm not a drag!) but it's not present in enough quantities to get you relaxed enough to keep going with your life.

So, that is what I meant..

A Letter..

Dear friends,

I've come to realize something recently - today - to be exact!! Sometimes you could crave something for so many years, believing with all your heart that you cannot live without this thing in your life. You may cry over it..get depressed..give up on many things..you may even lose a lot of things because of your obssession with this thing. Then one night..for some reason..you find yourself free of this desperate longing. You ask yourself, did it happen all of a sudden? or was it building up all along? It's strange. But it feels so good. Yes. You are finally free of that ghost haunting you around every second of your life. You feel like you could do anything in the world...people..it feels good.

You know you still need this thing though...but now you're just willing to accept reality and wait for it to come, because you know it's coming anyway...and you're obssession isn't going to quicken the process.

It's funny how sometimes painful memories could imprison you for so long. You create fears inside you that you never knew existed. You build up feelings, beliefs, and impressions based on these memories...all the while knowing that it's your fault you're holding onto painful images and feelings.

I need inspiration..
not just another negotiation

How true.

To my friends, with love,
Lubna

To Trust or Not To Trust?

There is a person. Let's call this person (A). (A) was raised their whole life on certain standards and values. Lying, for instance, was always talked of in (A)'s family as a horrible sin; and that there is no such thing as a white lie or a green lie..a lie's a lie. (A) has certain values for themselves, that they choose to live by and believe in. Like perhaps, honesty, and that doesn't mean just being open, it means being genuine in your feelings and reactions. What you show is what you feel, and not just what you want people to think. (A) will be a very happy person. A world without lies, manipulation, or deception is never a bad thing..

But wait..There IS no such thing! (A) grows up, goes to school, interacts with people outside their family. They begin making new friends, meeting their families and coming face to face with new values and cultures. (A) gets one shock after the other. They meet people who lie for the slightest reasons, who manipulate people to get what they want, who don't care what happens around them as long as they can come out unharmed. They meet people who show anything but what they truly feel - And this was the WORST SHOCK OF ALL. Could there be such people? WHY would they do that? (A) just couldn't get it..just why would people hide their true feelings?

Bit by bit..(A) started to lost trust in what people show. No longer able to tell whether a person is acting or being truly genuine, (A) decided that no one can be trusted. It became a way of life for (A). Everyone who would say or do something, probably meant something else. (A) would look at people as they talk, trying to figure out if the expressions of happiness, sympathy, or love were true ones. Unfortunately, there was no way for (A) to find that out because (A) still couldn't comprehend WHY they did it, why they had to hid behind some mask. Because (A) couldn't understand, they couldn't do the same, and they never knew how it felt to be expressing one thing while feeling another deep inside.

One day, (A) was watching TV. There were two people in this scene, one was asking the other for forgiveness because they had deceived that person. The one being asked looked at the other person for a long time..and then finally decided to forgive that person. She believed him. She believed that his expression of apology was genuinely felt. That got (A) thinking..what made her believe him? (besides the director telling her to do so!) But in reality what would make anyone sure of the other person's expressions of any emotions. If you could be deceived one time, couldn't you be deceived another, and another, and another? When would you know to really believe whomever is claiming to feel something?

That..is a question that never left (A)'s mind..always wondering..when do you know how to trust someone?

Whatever..

So I'm starting mid-terms on monday. Funny thing is up till a few hours ago, I was so relaxed and confident. However, suddenly I started getting so worried that I wouldn't finish studying in time and I've got a ton to study. All that just came out as minor/temporary depression. However, I managed to take some cool shots of the sun setting down between two buildings infront of our house, and I've been trying to do that for a while but the sun always comes out too bright or too dark..never the way it really looks.

They say the sooner you reach the thing you're waiting for, the easier the rest of the way will seem..well, I'm here, and I'm telling them: Yea Right! Here I am, two months, two months only (inshallah) from graduation and it seems like a whole year ahead of me! My God! I knew when i started out at MIU that they were serious about work, but i never thought that they would be THAT serious! I am just so tired. I'm cracking up like an overboiled egg (hehe..what an image!)

As usual I've discovered a lot of things about the people I know through conversations and situations..like recently, I've realized that some people could be really fun to talk to if they stopped focusing on what they did and what they bought and what they're going to do in a million years..basically if they stopped focusing on: me me me me me! When they talk about general things, life, food, stuff..they're really enjoyable!

I've also discovered that some people could be so persistent, that they would do something or say something they know would upset you because a few months back they said that same thing and it upset you back then!! But i also discovered (to my shock) that what upset you a few months back won't neccessarily upset you now :)

I've learned the hard way that being the sacrificial goat is only fun the first few times..if it goes too far, you will realize that you're spreading yourself too thin for people or reasons that are not worth it. However, if you are taking the correct neyya (intention), which is to do this to please Allah in order to gain his mercy, kindness, and love; then you won't feel like people have a "kick me" posted on your back.

I've also learned that saying I've got to sleep early EVERY NIGHT and yet not doing anything about it gets you so FRUSTRATED AND DEPRESSED! so instead of sitting here killing myself, i'll go to bed.

Night..

Memories...

yesterday the weather was awesome. A light breeze blowing through the windows, rays of sunlight softly entering through the light curtains...and everything was so tranquil. My favorite word: tranquil. It just brings peace into the conversation. I was sitting alone in the living room, after everyone had gone off doing something. It was about 3 or 4 pm, we had just had lunch, and everything was just peaceful. In our house, there was what seemed like the whole family! At least all the women in the family (and we are a BIG family); although this was just a small gathering to bid farewell to those going on a 3omra, it still seemed like a lot of people under one roof. I LOVED IT! I love having people over and sharing all the love, laughter, food (very important in our family!), and ideas. It was even more cool because some of those people were staying over at our place for a couple nights, not just coming for a visit.

So it was a beautiful evening, everyone had just eaten and some went off to nap, pray or do whatever. I was sitting alone in that beautiful breeze. To add to that, the streets were dead outside because of easter holiday, everyone was home or away or something. It reminded me of those "good 'ol days" when the whole family would gather in my uncle's villa in King Mariut. It would always be in Eid holidays, summer vacations, any 2 days off we could get really!! If I were to judge, these would be the best times I spent in my life, next to that would be the summers we spent in Agami. Two of my aunts and us had appartments there, right infront of the beach, and my other two aunts would come and spend a week or two with us. It was heaven for me, because suddenly they would decide, and my mom and aunts would start calling their cousins and uncles to invite them over. Oh it was so amazing! The kids (meaning me and my three cousins) would go downstairs to wait for their cars to arrive and help them with carrying the stuff. These were ecstatic moments for me.

It was only yesterday, at that moment that I had all those flashbacks, that I realized that one of my most peaceful moments is when I'm sitting in a breeze like that with beautiful, shy sunrays. Nothing in the world could bring me down, it helps me take my mind off everything that's going wrong in my world.

Anyway...it was nice remembering all those things :)

Sphygmomanometer..really, I'm not kidding!

I just learned how to measure blood pressure with the mercurial Sphygmomanometer (that's the device doctors measure blood pressure with. It's so cool to know how to do those things!!

After I measured my blood pressure, I put the stethoscope (the thing doctors listen to your heart with)on my chest, and i listened to the steady beats of my heart..It was unbelievable how relaxing that could be! u just listen....thud, thud, thud, thud...it really got me thinking, wow, sob7an Allah who made this heart the shape it is, working in the perfect, divine system that it works in, controlling the flow of blood to the whole body at all times, day and night..even during your sleep when you're totally uncounscious; your heart is still beating at a steady pace keeping you alive. What is more marvelous than that is that this seemingly powerful organ of your body is still not more than cells and tissues. So it's God that gives it the orders to keep working, to be strong enough to push the blood around your body in less than seconds, moving up to your head and down to your legs. And all this is done for who? YOU. This whole organized, stable, miraculous system works only for you, it's almsot as if you are the ruler of a whole kingdom, and all the workers in it are at YOUR service. You mistreat them by eating wrong, smoking, not exercising, oversleeping..and it still works for you. It never hands in it's resignation paper. No human on earth, no matter how much they love you or fear you would slave as much for you; they would reach a limit and say enough is enough.

Isn't that true? It's one of those times I become dumbstruck by another of God's miracles on Earth. Our bodies and their systems, nature and its system, animals, trees, insects, the solar system..and most importantly of all that..how ALL these things have been made by Allah to serve us, humans. They are His gift for us in this life. The sad thing is, after all that, we don't see why we should obey Him, follow Him, make sacrifices in our lives for Him, at the very least put Him into our consideration when we're making decisions throughout our day.

We all agree that being able to see, hear, feel, taste, and smell, the five basic senses, are great blessings. Yet we never really thank Him for these things. We take them for granted and see them as something we HAVE to have, it's common sense. But the truth is, we don't. We could have been born without one, two, or even three of those senses (and I'm only talking about the 5 BASIC senses..not to mention the millions of other things in our bodies alone). Isn't it true? Couldn't He have made us unable to smell? or see? or touch? Some people are born that way. That is their hardship in life, and God help them in managing it well. So why do take them for granted? Why don't we ever say something as simple as "Thank you God, for making me see, hear, feel, smell, and taste" See? It's dead simple. Not even time consuming!! And you know what? the good thing about this, is that Allah says "la2in shakartom la azeedannakom", which basically means in english, "If you thank me, I shall give you more" WOW! As simple as that!! No climbing mountains or breaking records to win Allah's kindness; all you have to do is be thankful for what He has given you. So you ask me, how could he give us more? it's not as if I'll see more or hear more when I thank Him!! Well, maybe not, but at least He's going to protect your senses for you, prevent an accident that was going to happen to you and cost you one of those senses. That's just as good, isn't it?

So, now whenever you remember something He gave you and you feel blessed because of it, thank Him; it doesn't have to be only these five senses..anything you have was given to you by Him. There is absolutely no doubt or question about it. So..go ahead people, thank Him at any time and at all times, in any way, form, or language..after all, it was Him who inspired us with these languages, right? :)

First Impressions..

you know what really makes me sad? It's when you are so nice and easygoing with people you've met a while ago..and they completely misunderstand you. Something like that just happened yesterday at school and i just discovered it today. UGH! it just pisses me off!!

I don't know what to do with myself, I'm an outgoing person and as long as people don't cross the line with me, I'm totally fine. why do people make you feel that you're wrong or weird to be like that? and they talk about it behind your back?! oh my God! Like you're some kind of mental psycho. So what are you supposed to do, put up boundaries with everyone around you, and then they'd just say you're too stuck up!

Which basically brings me to what I've always believed in: If you know you're not doing something wrong, the hell with what people think.

Is there such a thing as first impressions? Is it really lasting like they say? I personally believe that those who hold on to the first impressions that they get of people should...well, they're just hardheaded (if there's such a word) I always tell myself, what if this person was having a hard day when i first saw them, or they just heard some bad news? It happens to all of us, why not? Or the complete opposite, what if that person was extra cheerful that day, then you'd be wondering the rest of the time "what happened to them? they weren't like that!"

I don't believe that first impressions should stick in anyone's head..that's just too prejudice and unfair.

Strangers..

Sometimes we meet someone or see someone at a distance, and that person seems...different..for no apparent reason you just find yourself remembering that person often and wondering where they are, or who they are..but no matter how hard you try, their face is just carved in your memory for good. Was it something they did..was it the way they did it? You don't know..but you still find yourself thinking of them.

When that happens..do you ever get to meet them again? and this time actually talk with them?

What would you say?

I've Learned..

Throughout my life, I've learned many many things. Sometimes I appreciate everything I've learned..and sometimes I feel that the sky is falling.

I've learned that the fear of the unknown is one common type of fear that all humans share.

I've learned that it's ok to give yourself a break every once in a while and go against routine and guidelines.

I've learned that the best way to learn how to forgive, is by getting hurt...

I've learned that the best way to live is to be YOU.

I've learned that it's ok when people do stupid things that upset or hurt you..because you've done it too

I've discovered that the best way to learn is by observing

I've come to realize that the more you want something, the longer it will take for you to have it..

I've learned that laughter IS the best medicine

and I've decided that when I get a chance to laugh out loud and forget the whole world..I shouldn't stop myself

I've always believed that friends are so important..make some because you'll need them one day

I've discovered that even if I don't have a bestfriend, or at least a close friend..that I should have a good relationship with EVERYONE I know.

I know that extremism is a foolish way to live.

I've come to believe that getting deeply hurt...is something no one should take lightly, it's important, it matters.

I've discovered that lonliness can drive you crazy, and can push you to weird thoughts and feelings

I've discovered that you can be lonely even if you're surrounded by millions of people who love you. Yes, you can.

I've learned that doing someone a favour is a great thing. But making them feel that it was a favour just takes away the greatness of it.

I've discovered that reading can sometimes be a great way to relieve stress..and so can writing.

Everyone has a story in their life. Everyone. Young and old. Poor and rich. Strong and weak. They all have a story, they all live for something.

I've noticed that the most peaceful time of the day, is when everyone has gone to bed at night and you're all alone in a room lit by a small lamp on your bedside table. It feels good.

I've discovered that for some people, a smile that you give them on your way could change their life for the better. And you thought it was only a smile.

Is it possible for someone to be lonely for the rest of their lives? I wonder..

I've discovered that the way people see you everyday is not close to how you really feel or think inside.

I've learned that we don't only do things because we "want" to, or because we "like" doing them.

I've always believed that perfection only leads to misery. Excellence, on the other hand, is a beautiful concept.

I've discovered that the conflicts we have and the differences that we can't stand in each other, are the most amazing spice of life.

I've learned, discovered, realized..and I have yet to learn.

But will I always..

will I?

I wonder. I really do.

Happiness Vs. Satisfaction

Hello people..

You know, i was looking through my stuff, and found an old notebook i used to carry around everywhere and write or doodle anything that came up in my mind. I discovered a lot of things about myself looking through that notebook..but most importantly, i found an entry i had wrote while on a plane. I was travelling from Egypt to spend the summer vacation in Kuwait. It's amazing what you write and then totally forget about! Anyway, so this entry was about happiness, what the true meaning of happiness was. In this post, I'll type up what I had wrote back then, and then I'll write a similar piece of text I had written several days ago as a comment to a friend's post here on Blogger.

In the notebook, I wrote..

"In so many different languages, in so many words..philosophers, thinkers and believers have tried to define happiness..However..could there really be a true, particular, defined meaning of happiness? Happiness is such a broad word, so vague..it has a different meaning to everyone. a special, personal meaning..
For one, happiness is being with their loved one, to another it may mean succeeding in everything and being superior to everyone..some think of happiness as a fairy tale..non-existent. i suppose only pessimists think that way..is anyone truly happy? Did anyone find the magic potion of happiness? I guess only fools would be looking for something like that..Happiness is right under everybody's noses..they are just too blinded by materialistic thoughts and desires to see it. Those who have wealth think they can buy happiness with their wealth, and those who don't mourn their luck and call life unfair...
Happiness is in love, forgiveness, hope, faith, belief in oneself and in others. It means giving second chances and smiling to people on your way. It means starting all over again and bouncing back up when you fall..it means giving before taking and fulfilling before expecting. It is thinking of others before yourself and loving unconditionally..is that what happiness is? is that what it means? I think this works for everyone..so there could be a definition for happiness after all..I guess.."


When I compared that what I wrote these days, i noticed a noticeable difference in thinking and style. I really enjoyed the comparison and hope you do to. Note that the first entry was writted when i was about 17 or 18. This new one I wrote and I'm now 20.

Here goes..

"you know what, i've been thinking about what you said about people just putting on a happy face in public. i've been thinking about that for years and as i always do, i observe everything that happens around me. I guess i've been searching for the meaning of "sincere happiness" for a looong time.personally, when i've got a problem or issue on my mind, i can't hide it. i'm the kind of person who's feelings are written on her forehead. you could say i wear my heart on my sleeve. That's a good thing, because when i'm excited or expressing joy, people know it's authentic. however, when i'm preoccupied and really thinking of something, sometimes when i just walk through the university gate and see my friends i'm like a totally different person. i like temporarily forget about all my worries when i'm with them. maybe i subconciously do that for the sake of not being a drag, you know, it's not their problem to deal with, and if im not willing to share it, what's the point in telling them "oh no, i'm fine, nothing's wrong" and walk around like i just lost my bestfriend! i only like really can't hide it when it's huge and i've reached my limit. i don't snap out or anything, but i walk around looking like someone died. and it shows because i'm usually a cheerful, laughing person so ppl could tell a mile away!so anywayz..i, too, am in search for happiness..for many years i've felt like something was missing in my heart. i've got, alhamdulelah (that is Thank God in Arabic), the family, the friends, the faith, and my self-respect..but there was just this sth that i would, for a second or two, even within the most crowded of groups or gatherings, i would just back away mentally and ask myself "what is it? it's like something should be there that isn't" i still cannot find that thing..at times though, when i would be really peaceful and tranquil internally, i would feel that what the whole human race is looking for, which is happiness, really lies before our eyes..it's difficult to achieve in the beginning, but once u start, Allah (that is the word for God in Arabic) guides you the rest of the way. What is it then? It's satisfaction. to be satisfied with Allah and what he has given us. That is like flipping a switch that will in turn make you satisfied with your life, your self, family, situation, friends, and even the hardships. and as we know, the hadeeth says: "man radeya fa laho al reda" Which basically means: he who will try to become satisfied, I will give him the gift of satisfaction (or being satisfied with what you have). Another hadeeth says: "man radeya beqadary a3taytoho 3ala qadry". Meaning that if you are satisfied with Allah's fate for you, he will in turn give you with his own measure --implying here Allah's measure of kindness, and i need not speak of that (NB. These are not translations of the hadeeths, they are only explanations). I guess the thing is with humanity, it's been looking in the wrong direction all of that time. Bottom line is: If you're looking, look for how become a satisfied person, not a happy one. I'm guessing happiness is only meant for us in heaven.If I were to elaborate on that, i'd say that satisfaction requires effort to reach (which could be a way for Allah to tell us, people, nothing comes easy in this life). however, happiness does not require effort, it's something that we're always looking for in things that are outside of our circle of control. we look for it in money, possessions, friends, relationships, love..the usual. but if you try to say, i'm looking for satisfaction in money, you're bound to find that if you want satisfaction in any of the above mentioned, you will have to work at it. you will have to think of all the blessings that you're granted and sincerely appreciate them, you'll have to look at the less fortunate and thank the lord, you'll have to imagine ur life without just one of those blessings to realize that you're the luckiest person alive. when you get the taste of satisfaction once, believe me, you'll crave it everytime it goes, and you'll crave it so bad that if you really turn to Allah, and asked him for the right direction, he will lead you right to it. you will find yourself willing and glad to exert whatever effort it takes to feel the satisfaction again.ok! that was long, but it was an inspiration that Allah just gave me right now, i had to write it before it went away.Thank God i did."

Although the age difference between the two times I've written isn't that huge, but i could certainly trace some differences and similarities. I've been through a great deal since the time I wrote the first entry..a great deal that has taught me most of the things I've learned about life so far. Yeah..I guess you could say I've had an epiphany during that time...a very long epiphany!

That's all I've got to say for now..gotta go do some stuff for my graduation project :-s

but people..I would certainly love to hear any thoughts you have on this topic. No matter how short or long, I'd love to hear it so please send me any comments you feel like you want to share.

Toodles..

Red Light!

Hey ppl, i took this shot in the dark room of our university. Since i'm taking this photography class, we have to learn how to develop the photos and all, which is so cool. This was my first time in a dark room, and the moment all the safe light bulbs(the red light) came on, it had an awesome effect in the darkness. i took another photo of the whole room, but i don't really like it so i'll wait till i take a better one and i'll post it on here. i just posted this one for now, i really liked this tiny bulb in the darkness ;) enjoy..

Superficiality: Parenting or Personality?

you know..it strikes me how some people could be so damn superficial. Have you ever had a friend or colleague who's just so superficial it made you laugh?! Well..i do, and i don't know whether i should laugh, or slap the dude ::roll eyes::

I have a colleague in university, he falls in the category of people who i just shared one or two classes with throughout the whole eight semesters. We bumped into each other at the beginning of this semester and exchanged the usual 'hi, how are ya' kinda thing. Incidentally, this semester I've started wearing my glasses again (I'd been wearing contacts for the last 2 1/2 years), so this was the first time he'd see me in glasses. Now, i know i don't look bad in glasses. i used to believe that before (but i won't get into that now, it's a loong story). So after the hi's and all, this guy stared at me in shock (literally) and was like "oh my God, Lubna, WHY are you wearing glasses?" I gave a little lopsided smile and something that sounded like a smoking engine and told him "well, I just got tired of wearing contacts, and my eyes started irritating me" but as if the open-mouth gape he gave me wasn't enough, he said "NO...No, wear your contacts, don't wear your glasses anymore" (OUCH!) ok dude, i just told u my eyes aren't well, WHAT are you talking about? Gosh..anywayz, so since i was expecting this reaction from some people, i acted normal and just told him "why? my eyes became very sensitive from wearing them too much, and besides, i'm not at a fashion show, this is university. who cares?" would he get the hint and SHUT UP?? ooooh no, not this dude! he went on as if i've been standing there silent for the past 10 minutes "but you look so much better with your contacts (ie. without glasses), please, don't wear your glasses anymore" OH MY GOD! could i slap you or what?! That's when i stopped smiling and just turned to the cashier guy, just like that. i mean, umm, excuse me: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU TO EVEN HAVE AN OPINION IN THE WAY I LOOK? i could look like a monkey for all i care and i wouldn't even want to know what he thinks. of course i didn't tell him that last part..but i sure was thinking it. the conversation went on like that till i told him "c'mon i'm telling you my health is in danger, what more do u want?" he was still insisting that i look so much better without the glasses. ::BIG roll eyes:: finally..just before i walked away, i told him "Well, you know what, if you don't like the way i look, don't look at me!!" That was as nice as i could put it. oh for the number of things i had in my head to say to him! ANYWAY! the best thing was watching his face drop when i said that!! You deserve it baby! Oh yeah..


Can you believe that guy? now is that superficiality in the flesh or what?

i mean he's not my friend, he's not my fiance, he's not my husband, he doesn't even like me..why the hell would he care how i look..besides, i DON'T EVEN LOOK BAD!

whatever, so besides that dude getting on my nerves for like a split second, this incident got me thinking; it made me realize how some people only deal with people who fulfill a certain standard of beauty. and amazingly, the moment this person's friends are no longer beautiful (or at least he/she think so) for some reason, this person could just walk by them like they don't even know their name.

This made me wonder..what makes one person so superficial and another so deep. I said to myself, it's got to be the parenting, a child grows up, sees that his parent(s) give so much attention to appearances the kid is bound to end up thinking that way, and vice versa. But wait a minute, how about if two siblings, grew up in the same house, with the same parents and circumstances, and one turned out one way and the other turned out the complete opposite. Well...i was discussing this with a friend of mine, and it didn't take us long to figure out a possible solution or reason for that; she said that it's probably the person's willingness to become that way, then i said but the parenting must have some hand in that - they either encourage that side or dicourage it in their child. So the final result of that conversation was: it's both. The two factors contribute to making a person grow up to be superficial or not: The parents, and the childs willingness.

But i have a feeling that this isn't all..say for example, that a child has the willingness, and his parents encourage him (to become superficial), and then throughout the course of that child's (now an adult) life something happens to him that makes him see things differently, so he knows that this is something bad, and decides to change his view of things. There you have the two factors, but still and unsuperficial person. Does this mean we have a third factor now? Life's Circumstances? Hmm..perhaps..

Does anyone else think about this? If you do, I'd love to hear your thoughts on that issue, perhaps i'd learn something new from you :)

toodles..