21...Here I Come :)

I was fascinated a few days ago to realize that so much has developed in my personality, i mean, now i actually HAVE a personality! I have finally reached that stage in my life; where when you think of Lubna you think of a certain set of beliefs, a way of thinking, dressing, eating, laughing, appearing, talking. I have an amazing sense of satisfaction and relief in my heart. This is what I have been looking for all those years, this has been the horrible sense of loss and invisibility I have been living in. I used to crave belonging so badly, it was the most important thing to me. I thought I would find it in love, but that didn't turn out too well. I thought it would be with friends, but then I realized that that's not the way to find yourself either. I never really considered joining a cult or anything that extreme; but I did have a breakthrough - I figured I have to learn to belong to myself first and THEN I could get more belonging "energy" from love, friendship, family, religion, school, country..i could go on for paragraphs. The basis is to learn to have this sense of belonging to yourself first; and you get that by knowing who you are. You know what you allow and don't allow yourself to do, you know how you would like people to see you in the way you dress, talk, eat, laugh, converse, argue, etc etc. Initially, we were all born the same more or less; the first few years of our life we are formed by our parents, do this don't do this, that kind of thing. Then we grow up a little, we start to rebel, we want to do things our way, discover the world on our own, make our own mistakes; then a few years later we find ourselves lost and meaningless, we try to imitate everything and everyone around us. First we imitate our friends, then maybe a celebrity, some of us even imitate their parents - it all depends on who has the most influence on your life. To create a better picture here, I would say it is like going to a shop trying to buy clothes on your own for the time ever, you have no guidance as to what color, size, or shape would fit you. You walk into the shop, alone and somewhat scared, you feel like the shop is larger than it used to be, you keep walking until you bump into the first rack - pants - you pick out a few that you think would look good and you head to the fitting room to try them on..some seemingly fit and others don't, you're confused and unsure why they don't, maybe you need a bigger size or a different cut. Deep inside, you would wish that whoever used to pick out your clothes would magically appear in the room and make that decision for you, whereas if someone does come up to you and try to help you get all defensive and feel threatened that they're trying to take away your freedom. Wierd, huh? So anyway, the years pass by you've bought so many pants and shirts that don't fit, you've had help with some - probably those who do fit - and others you've had to decide to buy on your own - probably those who don't! However, after a huge collection of mismatching pants and shirts you now have the skills you need to buy clothes on your own, and although you still make a mistake every once in a while and buy those army pants that look horrible on you, or those pair of sunglasses that make you look like a fly, the number of mistake you make has been noticeably minimized. One day, you wake up and live your day as usual not aware that a critical change has occured inside you until you meet someone who may ask you something, anything, and through your answer you find yourself amazed at the way you are presenting your thoughts and ideas, and forming opinions about something in a way you never did before. You then spend some time alone, reflecting on the past few months and how you have been acting and reacting, on what your criteria have been when you came to make a decision, and how thoughts, ideas, and opinions that form in your mind differ from those that formed in your head over the course of your life. That, my friends, is when you know you have grown up..or at least began to.


Oh, and wouldn't it make sense for me to start growing up now that I'm four days away from my 21st birthday? Yessir, that's right :D

Red Bell Pepper, Red Bell Pepper..Can You Say it 5 Times in a Row?

Hello folks, I've added some photos I've taken a few days ago, hope you enjoy them :)

Patch Adams

I just watched Robin Williams' “Patch Adams”, and the movie has struck me in more ways than I can describe. It shook me and woke me up, it reminded me of what I wanted most in the world. It reminded me of something I had forgotten, or more like given up on, a long time ago. It lit my flame and brought back to me the passion of helping others, it reminded me of the overwhelming ecstasy and satisfaction I feel when I see the smile on someone’s face after I have helped them in some way. It brought me back to my senses and made me cry till it burned inside. I now can, finally, say who I am in words.

I am the one person in the world who is willing to defy the laws of gravity to spread happiness and cheer. I am the person who will give her last breath to seeing a smile on a face. I am the girl who is willing to make a fool of herself to see a child laugh. I am the person whom God chose to give a gift that is very rare and yet quite common. God has given me the gift of giving. I give love, care, food, money, support, advice, encouragement..anything I could get my hands on that will make someone else happy. I derive my own happiness from seeing others happy; they don’t have to be someone I know, and it doesn’t have to have anything to do with me, but as long as I am seeing smiles in the world, I am a happy person. I will dedicate my last breath and last pound to spreading smiles and love. I will give with no return, love with no judgment, and receive the smiles around me graciously and with no burden. To me an unhappy face is yet another cry for help, not a reason for me to give up.

I don’t know why I was made that way, or what is going to become of me in the future..but one thing I am positive about, if I still have it in me to create love, peace, and lots & lots of smiles then there is absolutely nothing wrong with the world except that it needs some more happiness conductors – and world, they are on their way.

My Friend

All my life, I’ve been looking for a true friend. A friend that would be there when I need them, a friend who would understand when you mess up. A friend who would know what’s wrong just by looking into your eyes. Not realizing all along that I’ve always had that friend and pushing him away in search for another. How stupid! How Human. I have a friend who is always there when you need him, at any time, any place. In any way possible I need him he will be there. I could talk to him, write him, think to him even and he will know what I want and what’s wrong. He always gets the right picture and always understands when I mess up. He’s ever so compassionate and even when he’s upset he’s fair to you. He tells you over and over again that his ultimate happiness is when you come back running into his arms after you’ve messed up. He’s willing to help you so long as you’ll let him. He’s willing to accept you as long as you would let him. He’s infinitely rich and powerful; he wants to give you all his wealth just because he loves you. He’s the only friend who will never let you down, or tell you he’s busy. He loves you unconditionally and more than anyone could ever love you. You are more dear to him than you are to your parents, friends, grandparents, or spouses. His forgiveness and kindness is infinite and always there for you to make the best of them. Even the little he asks of you is for your own benefit, because no matter how powerful or rich you get, you still cannot dream of coming close to being equal to him. No matter what you have or what you can do, it stands incomparable to what he has and can do, so you are by no measure of any benefit to him. You can always trust him, infinitely and completely. You can always have faith in him. If ever you have doubt in his love to you, look around you, he left signs all over to remind you. His love to you isn’t shared with others, so you can never feel neglected just because someone else needs him at the same time you do. He is the one friend who’s love can bring people together eternally, and make bonds stronger and goals united. I can go on forever…but need I say more?

A Theory About Life

As you go through different stages of your life you meet new people, try new things, change in so many ways and for so many reasons. Each time you start a new phase of your life you set a new scenario; for instance, say you moved to a new town. You have new neighbors, wake up to a new scene, make new friends, start new routines and settle yourself in this new life to the very last detail of your daily life. It doesn’t come intentionally, or in a particular order. But nevertheless it’s a part of your action and thought process. Every time you start a new phase of your life, you are creating a new scrapbook for that period of time. Not physically, but it is sort of there whether you wanted it or not. And it doesn’t just include your own memories, they are an assemblage of your impressions and thoughts about something, others’ impressions and images of you and your actions, your habits and likes and dislikes. It’s all collected into this period of your life. When you eventually start a new phase in your life, like change jobs, get married, or move, you inevitably leave behind all those memories in an invisible sealed box that opens up every time you revisit that phase – mentally or physically. This could cause you pain, or it could cause pleasure and nostalgia; it all depends on what you left behind in that box. This may lead us to the conclusion that we should try to at least make the effort to ensure that we leave behind a good set of memories and impressions in each phase of our life. And although there will always be factors that we cannot control, like others’ impressions of us or the loss of loved ones, we should at least keep it as a goal to keep a straight record and make as many positive memories as we can.