Sunday, 21 August 2011

إنت عايز إيه بالضبط؟؟

إنت عايز إيه؟ عايش ليه؟ كمالة عدد يعني ولا ليك لزمة؟؟ لا مؤاخذه، أنا مقصدش اغلط في حد ولا حاجة..ده بس سؤال بتسألهوني نفسي كل فترة لما بتلاقيني عايشة في الدنيا زيي زي الكرسي اللي أنا قاعدة عليه (و يمكن الكرسي يعرف يرد أحسن مني لأن هو على الأقل الهدف من إستخدامه معروف و مستسلم لكل من أراد الإستفادة منه). إنما صحيح؟ هو إحنا عايزين إيه؟ عايزين إيه من الدنيا؟ بنصحى الصبح ليه؟ عشان هي الحياة كدة؟ ولا عشان نفطر الراجل و العيال؟ ولا عشان ننزل نجيب لقمة العيش (اللي منها العيال هيفطروا!) أنا مش بقلل من الهدف السامي ده والله، أنا بس بتسائل..هو ده كل اللي بيقومنا من السرير كل يوم؟ همم..طب ما عشان كده نصنا بيقوم مش طايق نفسه و النص التاني بيقوم مش طايق اللي جنبه! لو هو ده كل الهدف من الحياة يبقى طبعا دي عيشة تقرف. أصل إحنا لما ربنا خلقنا مخلقناش عشان كده فطبيعي لازم نحس إننا مش عايشين لأننا فعلا مش عايشين..مش عايشين زي ما إتخلقنا عشان نعيش فدايما جوانا صراع و خناقة. لقمة العيش اللي إحنا كلنا مفحوتين عشانها و مبنفكرش غير فيها دي ربنا عملهالنا عشان تبقى وسيلة نعيش بيها، مش هدف نعيش عشانه. إحنا بقينا على طول تعبانين لما خلينا لقمة العيش هي الهدف الأساسي و إن ماكانش الوحيد في حياتنا. لإن ده سباق ملهوش خط نهاية غير الموت (ربنا يديكوا طولة العمر طبعا، أنا بس أصلي صريحة و دغري حبتين). طبعا فيه ناس هتقول "طب و متطلبات الحياة و طلبات العيال و المصاريف و و و؟" طب مفكرتش إن إنت اللي تقلل من طلباتك شوية؟ و تعلم ولادك يعيشوا على قد اللي معاكم؟ مش لازم يبقى دايما بيغيروا الموبايل ولا اللابتوب كل ما أصحابهم يغيروا ولا كل ما ينزل واحد جديد في السوق..مش يمكن إحنا اللي ماتعلمناش نقول "لأ" لنفسنا و أولادنا فالنتيجة إن نفسنا و أولادنا بقوا مدلعين؟ فربنا شال البركة من حياتنا لإننا مبقاش عندنا رضا عن أي حاجة بيديهالنا. و طبعا بقينا بنصحى كل يوم بنفكر إزاي هنجيب فلوس أكثر عشان نلبي الطلبات اللي مش بتخلص. و اللي بتيجي قدامه فرصة – أو زي ما بيقولوا "سبوبة" – إنه يعمل قرشين زيادة طبعا مش هيقول لأ، على الرغم من إنه ده هياخذ من وقته مع أسرته و بيته..بس معلش ماهو هيعوضهم بالفلوس و يجيلهم اللي هما عاوزينه...مش كده؟ للأسف لأ، هو بصراحة مش كده..لإن التطور الطبيعي للبيت اللي بالشكل ده إن الأب بيتحول من راعي الأسرة و قائدها إلى ماكينة ATM و بيبقى أهم حاجة إن بابا بيجيب فلوس عشان ماما تجيب لبس و حاجات حلوة و العيال يجيبوا الإكس بوكس الجديد "الجامد جدي" اللي كل أصحابهم جايبينه و طبعا ميمنعش إن بابا هيجيب لنفسه كام حاجة حلوة أمال يعني هيتعب و في الآخر يطلع من المولد بلا حمص! و تعدي السنين و العيال يكبروا و الأب يبتدي يكبر في السن و العيال إعتمدوا على نفسهم و كل واحد ماشاء الله بيشتغل و يجيب لنفسه اللي هو نفسه فيه..بس الأب إبتدى يحس إنه محتاج لأولاده، و أيام العمر معدودة و نفسه و منى عينه إن حد فيهم يرفع سماعة التليفون يسأل عليه. أصلهم مشغولين شوية، ما هي الحياة كده هنعمل إيه..بس هو محتاج حد يراعيه و يزوره. مش مشكلة، هنجبله حد يقعد معاه أو هناخذه دار مسنين يعتنوا بيه. مش كله بالفلوس؟ أصل هما معندهمش وقت، زي ما هو مكانش عنده وقت زمان يقعد معاهم عشان بيجيب فلوس..عشان هو معرفش يقولهم "لأ" و معرفش يقول لنفسه "لأ" "لأ أنا هاعيش على قد اللي معايا و ربنا يرزقني إن شاء الله، بس ما آخدش من وقتي مع أهلي و أسرتي..و أهم من ده كله ما آخدش من وقتي مع ربنا". يمكن لو علمنا نفسنا نرضى بالرزق اللي ربنا كتبهلنا طالما إننا متأكدين إننا بنسعى و بنشتغل عشان نحصل على الرزق ده، و لو شيلنا قلبنا من الدنيا شوية و بطلنا نجري ورا الأحسن و الأغلى و اللي عنده و اللي معندوش يمكن ساعتها نحس بالبركة و نلاقي فلوسنا بتكفي إحتياجاتنا و زيادة كمان، و ميبقاش همّنا الوحيد في الحياة هو زيادة دخلنا و نلاقي وقت لأولادنا و أزواجنا و أهلنا و لربنا، و نلاقي وقت كمان لبلدنا نعمل فيها أي حاجة إن شالله نساعد طفل أو عجوز يعدي الشارع على أمل إن البلد دي ترجعلها أخلاقها الجميلة الإنسانية اللي كل الناس بتبكي على إختفائها و بتببه بإن الحياة بقت صعبة و متعبة و محدش بقى في نفس يقول "آسف" و "عن إذنك" و "شكرا" و "إتفضل"، الأخلاق اللي دول كثيرة زي اليابان و تايلاند و ماليزيا عايشين بيها كل يوم عادي و مش بيستغربوا و يرجعوا يحكوا للناس كلها إن "تخيلوا فيه واحد إنهارده وقفلي عشان أعدي الشارع مع إن الشارع كان زحمة!" أو مثلا "تصدقوا واحد لما خبط فيه إنهارده في الشارع وقف عشان يعتذر" زي ما إحنا بنعمل هنا و نبقى مش مصدقين نفسنا لما يحصل معنا و نتنهد و نقول والله البلد لسه فيها خير!! ملخص الرغي ده كله، أنا هقولكم على وصفة متجربة من ناس كتير و أقدر أقول إنهم أسعد الناس على وش الأرض، المعادلة دي لو حققتوها هتبقوا إنتم كمان إن شاء الله من أسعد الناس دنيا و آخر

إجتهاد و أمانة و إتقان في العمل  + رضى حقيقي باللي ربنا قسمهلنا من الرزق  +  ترويض للنفس و تربية حقيقية للأولاد على الرضى بالمكتوب  = سعادة و راحة بال في الدنيا و الآخرة و أبواب رزق بتفتح من حيث لا تحتسبوا.

بس كده..و تصبحوا على خير أنا هاموت و أنام من ساعة!!

Monday, 1 February 2010

احنا و الزمن...والزمن و احنا...مين بوَّظ مين؟

أنا لسة حالا مخلصة كتاب أحمد العسيلي "كتاب مالوش اسم"، و الحقيقة الكتاب خلاني أفكر و أفكر و كإن أنا ناقصة تفكير! إحنا ليه دايما بنسمع جملة "أصل زمان كان كذا و كذا...لكن دلوقت خلاص الدنيا باظت" يعني أنا المفروض أروح أنط من الشباك؟ ولا المفروض أعيش حاطة إيدي على خدي و مكتئبة إني طلعت في الزمن ده؟ أنا معاكم إن فيه أوضاع كثيرة لا يمكن السكوت عليها و لازم نرجع للأخلاق و المباديء و الإحترام و الكلام ده كله، أنا أول واحدة بأنادي بيه. بس لحظة واحدة...هو عشان جيل أو أكثر يطلع فيه سمة معينة غالبة عليه، تفتكروا دي صدفة؟ ولّا في سبب؟ أنا شخصيا لا اؤمن بالصدفة في أي شيء، فأكيد فيه سبب إن الكام مليون شاب و فتاة و طفل في بلدنا و العالم كله، اللي وصلوا للمستوى المؤسف ده من السطحية و الهيافة و عدم إحترام الغير و و و الكلام اللي بنتلطش بيه في كل مكان من أجيال عبد الحليم و أم كلثوم، أكيد أكيد في حد مسؤول. طيب، حلو قوي، إذا أنا طفل أو شاب أو فتاة و طلعت - زي ما بتقولوا علينا كدة – مش متربي، يبقى حاجة من الإثنين: يا إما إن اللي مسؤول عن تربيتي (و هو من جيلكم) ما قامش بدوره صح بإنه ما كانش قدوة حسنة (و بالتالي دي مش غلتطي)، أو إنه يكون أصلا ما بذلش المجهود المطلوب في تقويمي و تربيتي على المبادئ و الأخلاق و الدين (و دي برضه مش غلطتي).

طيب خليني أسألكم سؤال ثاني، لما شاب يطلع يلاقي والده بيتكلم على الستات بطريقة غير محترمة أو بيعاكس واحده أو بيقولّه إعمل اللي إنت عايزه بس خللي بالك لحسن تتمسك وللا تلوث إسم العيلة، تفتكروا الشاب ده إيه في الدنيا ممكن يخليه يطلع يحترم البنات اللي معاه في المدرسة ولّا الكلية ولّا الشغل؟ و ميعاكسش البنات في الشارع عشان دول بنات ناس؟ أنا بقولكم إن الشاب ده لو طلع بيحترم البنات و الستات يبقى ده بتاع ربنا – معجزة يعني.

و لما بنت تطلع تلاقي والدتها بتكذب ولّا بتغتاب ولّا سعادتها لحظة ما جارتها اللي كانت معدية من جنب باب شقتهم من عشر سنين و بصتلها بصة من فوق لتحت دلوقتي واقعة في ورطة و حياتها نكد تفتكروا ليه البنت دي هتطلع نفسيتها سوية؟ إزاي و منين؟ زي ما أمي ربنا يخليهالي دايما بتقول "الخلاط لما تحط فيه برتقان مش هيطلعلك لبن!" زي ما مينفعش نزع بطيخ و نقعد ندعي يا رب تطلع فراولة! لو قعدت تدعي طول عمرك إستحاله هيحصل.

طبعا لكل قاعدة شواذ، يعني ممكن مثلا أم و أب يكونوا أحسن قدوة لولادهم و يربوهم على الأخلاق و المبادىء و الدين و في الآخر يطلع الولاد بايظين و ملخبطين. بس مش ده الأساس و مينفعش نركن على كده. لازم أنا أعمل اللي عليَّ و طول ما أنا ماشي في طريق الحياة أدعي ربنا إنه يعينني و يوجهني للصح و أكيد هيكون في أخطاء و دي طبيعة البشر، بس لما تكون النية لله و الإخلاص موجود يبقى ربنا أكيد لا يمكن يسيبنا لنفسنا و للدنيا.

و نقطة أخيرة أحب أضيفها و دي لكل أهلي أبناء الأجيال السابقة، حضرتِك و حضرتَك أمي و أبويا و أنا بأُكِن لكم كل الإحترام و التقدير و لا أقصد بكلامي إن أقلل من مجهودكم و تعبكم معانا، ده إنتم طريقنا للسعادة في الدنيا و الآخرة برضاكم عننا. أنا كل مرادي من الكلام اللي أنا كاتباه إنكم قبل ما تنهالوا على زمننا – اللي إحنا مضطرين نعيش فيه – بالإنتقاد و الكراهية إنكم تفكروا معانا إزاي ممكن كلنا نغير الوضع الحالي لإن أولًا كلّنا متضررين منه و ثانياً لإن جيلكم كان ليه دور كبير في وصولنا للوضع ده، ما إحنا أكيد متخلقناش كده!


أنا بأشكركم يا أمي و يا أبويا إنكم على الرغم من الوضع الحالي و الزمن اللي طلعنا فيه إنكم كنتم خير قدوة و خير أصدقاء لنا طول الطريق، و بأشكر كل أولياء الأمور اللي ربّوا ولادهم كويس في زمن أصبحت المغريات فيه كثيرة و التناقضات أكثر.

Sunday, 24 January 2010

emotion  [i-moh-shuhn]
–noun
  1. any of the feelings of joy, sorrow, fear, hate, love, etc.
That is, of course, the dictionary’s understanding of the word; but what does a dictionary know? Has it ever experienced love? Anger? Joy? Has it ever felt that it was going to die of happiness or sadness? Honestly, I think that our ability to experience different emotions, some of which are extreme contradictions, is the eighth wonder of the world. It always amazed me how we can feel one thing, and only a few seconds later we could feel something that is the complete opposite. It also fascinated me that how we feel dictates how we see the world around us. Studying our emotions, their effect on us and those around us, and the causing factor behind each emotion has been on my mind for several years now. I thought about taking psychology classes to help me understand better, but I just don’t have enough memory space left in my head to add any unneccessary information! So I decided I’ll make it sort of a life journey, where I observe everything that happens around me and try to understand it. I ask myself all the time why I felt or reacted in a certain way, and why I think other people reacted the way they did in any given situation. All of that, of course, is part of my bigger goal of trying to understand life just a little bit better in hopes that I can produce something to give to the world and help them understand it in a better way. See, I believe that the main reason most of us live unhappily is because we just don’t understand this life we were brought into. When I take a mental (or call it virtual) step out of the universe and try to understand the grand scheme of things and try to put things into perspective, I realize that the rhythm of our lives is a little bit like a game of billiards after the first hit (pardon my lack of technical terminology in the game) and all the balls are running in random directions, hitting each other and their surroundings on the way. They don’t know what happened, why they’re running, or where they’re going..but they continue to run at full speed until something comes along the way that stops them, and everything settles down for what seems like a few seconds, or until the next player decides how to take his shot. Before you know it, everyone is running around again colliding with their surroundings without the slightest idea why they are doing so. I find it very amusing and intriguing that a certain action can provoke certain emotions in someone, but change the circumstances, and that same action can provoke an entirely different reaction in the same person. Why? Why is there no formula or rule that determines how we react to different things. It would make life so much easier, and I guess it would minimize argument and fight rates tremendously if we all understood why the other person is reacting that way. But see, life wasn’t meant to be handed to us on a golden platter, there has to be room for error. It is I who should be more tolerant towards people rather than expect them to react/talk/think exactly as I do. It is my responsibility to forgive others when they do something I see as “overreacting”, because if you think about it, from his/her point of view, their reaction is perfectly normal and it is you who do not understand or sympathise with them.
So I asked myself, if something can make me so angry one time, but when it happens to me again I find myself laughing at it, what does that mean? Why does that happen? Doesn’t it make sense that if something makes me angry today, it will make me angry tomorrow, and everyday as long as it is still happening? Well, not really, I have come to believe that since circumstances are an ever-changing factor, then there must be something else that I can rely on to ensure that I am an emotionally stable person. When I looked at the different factors involved I found that there are three: a) Me, b) circumstances, and c) the other person involved in the incident. Obviously, I have no control over (b) or (c), which leaves me with only myself that I have any real power over. So I finally reached the conclusion that I must have enough self-control and awareness that when something happens to me I know how to react according to what the situation needs, for one thing, and also to make sure that I get the result that I aim to achieve. For example, say I am standing in line at the supermarket waiting to pay, and dying to get home after a long day of work. Then someone comes along and stands infront of you without saying a word. You are shocked and frustrated, what “should” you do and what “will” you do? Notice that what you “should” do and what you “will” actually do may be the same or they could be very different actions. Here, at this very moment, is what decides what kind of person you are, and what kind of life you live. The way I see it, there are three possible actions in such a situation: a) Do nothing, keep your anger inside and take it out on anyone who is smaller and weaker than you; b) Make a scene and yell at the top of your lungs (possibly even adding a few insults in there just to scare him/her away); and c) Take a deep breath, get that person’s attention and tell them that you were standing first and ask them to stand at the back of the line just like everyone else. Hmmm…ok, I know we all know which is the “correct” answer, but what is the honest answer? Well, obviously the answer to what we “should” do would be (c), because (a) is just being negative and weak, and (b) is too aggressive and will probably create a bigger problem (because remember, there is always the chance that this person did not mean to insult you or take your turn – we all do things when we are exhausted and busy without realising what we did, I know I have!). So (c) then, that’s a tough one…to be able to control your emotions to that level and put aside your pride and ego, very difficult right? Wrong! Let me take you back to school, Grade 1 in particular; remember the first time you were taught how to write. The teacher puts a sheet with dots and lines and you have to go over them with a pencil, you’re not used to holding a pencil so to have to go over detailed lines and dots in a specific pattern was, at the time almost impossible to imagine (if you want to remember how difficult it was try writing with your left, or your right if you are left-handed). You might have even decided it was impossible and stupid and you would rather just go play. It is a typical human reaction you know, when we’re faced with something difficult we tend to shy away from it and decide that the problem is not us, we are doing our best, it is that obstacle or whatever that is impossible to tackle. That is, until we try again, and again, and again, until we start feeling that it is becoming easier to do, whereas the truth is that you are just becoming better at it – it is a skill you are training yourself to do and you are getting better and better at it so it seems easier every time. The same concept applies to almost everything you want to learn how to do in your life. At the beginning, you are convinced it is impossible, and may even decide that you shouldn’t try. Then a few times later you find yourself handling things beautifully and smoothly and you look back and wonder why you ever thought it was difficult!! Take it from me, it happens exactly in this order, and you end up laughing at yourself!

Saturday, 19 July 2008

The Secret::Follow-up

A few days after I wrote the last post I was flipping through the pages of my The Secret and I read something about gratitude which reminded me that I hadn't mentioned anything about gratitude in my previous post. The issue of gratitude is most important for the law of attraction to work; in the wise words of Wallace Wattles (1860-1911):


"Many people who order their lives rightly in all other ways are kept in poverty by their lack of gratitude."


It's quite true, you know, most of us have wonderful and amazing things in our lives but all we can see is what we don't have. I suppose it's just human nature that we have such a narrow field of vision. It is understandable that when someone needs something that they don't have, it can cause distress, and all the other blessings and gifts that we have don't seem like much anymore. However, I find that one of the ways to get over that, is by closing your eyes and opening your imagination...think of all the things in your life that you just cannot imagine living without...your eyes..your sense of smell, touch, taste, your ability to hear...your freedom to get up and walk, lie down, or sit..think of all those things, and imagine one by one your life without them. Think of all the details, visualize it as though it is an absolute reality. Now open your eyes, look around you, get up and walk in the room..touch the things that you see, concentrate on the way everything feels, looks, smells, sounds, and tastes. Just enjoying those five senses and trying to imagine life without them makes anything else you don't have seem far far away. You will wonder why you were so blind as not to see all the wonderful things you already have and enjoy. It is a perfectly normal process to want and need things that we don't have. It's when we make our lives miserable because of the lack of those things that is neither correct, nor is it normal. In addition to that, the more we focus on not having things the more we will not have them. You are sending out signals that you don't have some particular thing, so you will get more of what you focus on -- which is the lack of it.

You see, in order for us to receive what we asked for, we have to be a positive frequency; that is to say, in a positive state of mind, and by thinking all the time that we are miserable because we don't have this or we can't get that, we are making sure that we are in a constant state of negativity. Thus, we are blocking all the paths through which we could have received what we already asked for.

We all know this person, he is our neighbor, he is our colleague from work, or maybe he is one of our in-laws, in any shape or form we have all encountered, during the course of our life, someone who is like that. He is the person who refuses to believe or even acknowledge the fact that ANY good can happen in life. He thinks the weather is horrible all year round, the traffic was worse for him than anyone else , the boss is always picking on him, everyone treats him worse than anyone else. They always see the worst in any situation, and they refuse to let anyone think positive thoughts. This person, in all degrees of negativity, is probably never going to see any light in his/her life. Not only is this person attracting more of what he thinks about, he is literally blocking all possible paths of receiving anything good in his life.

Thinking of all the wonderful things in your life is the quickest and most efficient way to put yourself in a state of joy and happiness. Eventually, you reach the level where you feel like you are in love. In love with the world, with your life, with everything and everyone; this is when you would have reached the highest frequency there is, and this is when you will have become a magnet for all goodness and all that you wanted.

Wednesday, 9 July 2008

The Secret

My dear friends, I am experiencing a turning point in my life. I am going through something, like nothing ever before. I have learned what I have been seeking for the past several years. I have learned The Secret. The secret of life. The secret to happiness. The secret to unconditional love. The secret to forgiveness. The secret to a happy ending.

I realize I haven’t been posting anything for a while, and that is due to two things. One, I haven’t had anything worthy of your precious time, and two, I didn’t (and still don’t) have an internet connection these days. So I waited until something big happened. Something magnificent that I would be able to write about from my heart. And it finally did.

I would say all my life, but I would really mean just the past seven years because that’s when my life really started. It’s when I started to understand the deeper meaning of life. It is at that time that I started writing down my goals and planning out my life. It was my first ever turning point in life. So for the past seven years I have been wondering, asking myself, and asking God – why do certain things happen? What makes me delirious with joy one second and the next I’m ready to jump out the window with depression? Why is that the exact number of times that I think my computer will go crazy or stop working, it actually does? Why is it that some people just seem to have it all when others live like they don’t have anything at all? Well, through the course of those seven years, I have been getting bits and pieces of information, feedback from God to answer my little questions. Every time I learned something new it felt so good I just had to know more.

Ironically though, it seemed like throughout those seven years my life has been going from bad to worse. I didn’t know why but it seemed like this was the way things went for me. I mourned my ill fate and wondered what I could have possibly done to have reached this stage of misery. Me, the ever so cheerful, ever so joyful girl, I was always the most energetic one in the family. I was always open to new experiences and dying to do everything at the same time! I was always so excited about life that nothing could get in my way, not even an earthquake. I slowly wilted, I lost my light and energy, I forgot what I was so excited about. Life seemed to be treating me so badly that I just hated it, I got to the point that I would wish I was dead. It was sad. Really sad. But just then, at the darkest point of my life, at the lowest point I reached, God started to take my hand. I was so depressed one day that I had to get out of the house; I went to my sanctuary, Virgin Megastore! I browsed for hours through the books dying to find anything I could buy. After an eternity, I found myself magnetized towards a shelf that was never there before, in a corner that I never looked before. I swear it was like someone was behind me pushing me towards this shelf. My eyes fell on the cover of a book, a book that I have read about and have been dying to find because it supposedly summarized what the past seven years of my life had been about. This book, more valuable than any other man-written book that I know of in this world, is, The Secret. This book is the simplest and most joy bringing book I have ever read. I just cannot describe it enough. With every sentence I read I would go “oh my God, yes, that is so true!” or “Wow! That’s why this has been happening, or not happening”. It’s quite magical that a book of such depth and value could be so simple and clear. I really want to meet the author, Rhonda Byrne, to give her a hug, and thank her for the gift she gave to the world. And you know what, I believe I will one day .

So, what is that Secret I’ve been rambling on about? In the simplest of terms, it is the Law of Attraction. This is the law that governs all of our lives, each and every one of us lives by that law. Whether we like it or not, and whether we choose to or not, it is there, and it works. It works for the good and the evil, the happy and the miserable, the young and the old. It does not choose people and leave out others; it is there for all of us, our genie, as they call it in the book, who answers our every call.

It happened to all of us, we look at something, we say to ourselves “ Oh, I wish I could have that”, then we walk away and forget about it. A few days, weeks, months, or even years later, we realize that got what we wanted without even trying. If you look closely at the events that led you to getting what you want, you will see that if just one event or decision had been different, you wouldn’t have been led to having what you asked for. A more common example, you think of someone, you keep telling yourself, I want to call that person, I should get together with them sometime, you start remembering things you want to tell them or things that happened that remind you of that person, and then your phone rings. Yes, it is that person calling you. It happens with my mum all the time, and she’s always telling people “I was just going to call you, or I was just thinking of you” that I sometimes wonder if people think she’s just saying that! But I know it’s true. I believe in that law so strongly that I would believe that chocolate doesn’t exist before I’d believe that it doesn’t work!

I always asked myself, why is it that people like Bill Gates, Oprah Winfrey, Martha Stewart, and other icons of success in our modern world became the way they did. Most of them started out as very ordinary people, but with extraordinary dreams. Dreams that were much bigger than their logic could believe at the time. But they had faith, and that is why they are what they are now.

I used to think that just by thinking about something it would come true, but that’s not the way it works. I read books about the power of our subconscious mind, the power of positive thinking, and things of the sort, and that’s the picture that I got. If you think about something a lot, and with passion, if you need something so strongly it would happen. To be honest, that was a hassle. To gather the energy every time you want something, to become so passionate about it and want it like it’s a matter of life or death, is not always an easy thing to do. It is very consuming and you don’t always feel so strongly about the things you want, but you still want them. So for the last four years I sort of stopped trying to attract things into my life, I forgot about my goals, I just left myself to the furious tides of life. I let myself drift, personally, spiritually, socially, and financially. I had no control over my life and I hated my guts. My college years were the lowest points of my entire existence. Then I graduated. I hated life even more, but I was on my way up. V.E.R.Y S.L.O.W.L.Y. And now, a year after my graduation, I am once again the joyful, cheerful, innocent (but wise) child that I always loved. I love life, I love my life. Nothing changed much in my own life. Many of the things that I wanted still didn’t come true, but I now know that it was my fault they didn’t happen. I now know that I, and ONLY I, have all the power I need to bring about everything I wanted from life. All I had to do was simply ask. There were two things I used to do in my life that guaranteed I wouldn’t get what I wanted, I either wanted what I wanted so much to the level of desperation, or I didn’t want it at all and couldn’t see any way of it coming true. Either way, I was never going to get what I wanted from life. Then along came The Secret, it taught me that for life to start giving us what we want, for God to start answering our prayers, we must be in a state of joy, let go of our past pains and future fears, believe that what you want is already in existence, and finally, just let it go and don’t think about it. It will manifest itself into your life. It is not your job to worry about how it will happen, or when, all you have to do is ask, believe, and receive. When God tells us to pray for what we want, He does not tell us that he may answer our prayers; He tells us that it is mandatory that He will answer them. There are no terms, no conditions, and no catches. But for us to start seeing our wishes manifest themselves in our lives, we must first purify our hearts of any envy, hate, grudges, bigotry, or anything that could pull us away from entering the zone of joy and love in which we can receive what we asked for.

Everything that you can ever dream of in a 100 year life span is already in existence in the world. No matter how crazy it sounds, it is there. The idea of a virtual space through which people can talk, see each other, learn about anything, within parts of a second was once nothing more than a person, or several people’s vision. If anyone had talked about it a few hundred years ago, they probably would have been taken away to an insane asylum; and now, I think about 90% of the word’s population couldn’t imagine their life without the internet. So nothing is ever too crazy or weird to come true. Whatever you think is a wacky idea, there’s always something wackier! So yes, I do believe that they will invent that bar of chocolate that never finishes, and the water bottle that refills automatically!


This knowledge that God bestowed upon me has turned my life into a paradise. I wake up every single day with a smile on my face. I sing while I cook once again, I smile for no reason. I have more patience and tolerance with people and things than before. I am the best version of myself :D I have learned to be happy just because, I have learned that not having what I want is not always the reason I have a heavy feeling in my heart. I am at a place now where the moment I feel down, I see something on TV, read something in a paper, or in some way be reminded of The Secret; and I am instantly in that place of joy once again. It is not having what you want that makes you happy, simply because when you get it, there will always be other things you want and don’t have; but it is the knowledge that you have the power to call it forth into your life that makes all the difference. It is the knowledge that you are the artist and you get to paint your own life exactly as you wish that gives you a happiness that is better than the feeling of being in love.

Ask yourself these questions, and take the time to answer them, write down the answers and read them at least once a day:

1. What is my joy?
2. How do I feel (now)?
3. What do I want?

When you put yourself in a state of joy, when you feel happy, generous, and forgiving, and when you know what you want, only then will you get your hearts desires.

Take it from the masters, this is the recipe for success, this is the answer to your questions.

Thursday, 8 May 2008

Childhood Memories

Yikes, I realize it's been quite a while since i posted anything. But believe you me, it's for your own good. If I had brought myself to writing anything in this past month, it would've made you so blue you'd jump out of the window before even getting to the first paragraph! I'm sorry folks, I haven't quite been myself lately, this is a very VERY critical time in my life so I needed lots of alone time, plus some unfortunate events have been happening at the moment so I wasn't at my best.

Anyhu, one of the best days I can remember about my childhood were those that we spent at my late uncle's villa..well, I say villa because I can't really find any other description. It wasn't a country house, it wasn't a summer house, it was a two-storey house with a vegetable garden, a fruit garden, and a front yard..nothing lavish, but God was it cozy. It was my ideal vacation to be there, because my uncle, God rest his soul, wasn't the kind of guy who could spend any vacation with only a few people around him..he had to have the WHOLE family! And the family of the family, and friends of the family! And believe me when i say that we are a B-I-G family so although it wasn't Taj Mahal, it was enough for us all to eat, sleep, run around, play racket, he even had a couple swings and a slide there. Everyone seemed to find something to do there, football, volley ball, speedball, basketball. Basically, all kinds of ball games! The only thing that would have made it heaven is if there was a swimming pool. Oh yes. And mind you, he did speak of it, but the poor guy got ill and passed away before he could do anything about it. Unfortunately, it's sold now, for a few years after he died we stopped going there. It was just too difficult to be there without him sitting at the barbecue or walking in the garden, or doing one of those things that made him who he is. He was the only man I knew who was willing to do anything to be there for everyone, even people he didn't know sometimes. He once travelled from town to town, about a 2 hour drive back and forth just to get me his daughter's (my cousin's) bike because he felt that i was bored and had nothing to do. Who does that? I realize it's probably not the most exciting thing for you to be reading about a dead guy who loved everybody, but I felt that someone this magnificent had to be memorialized in some way. And you don't get many people who are this devoted to helping people out, and personally I've been hugely influenced by this man, and sometimes we don't realize how satisfying it is to help someone out when they really need it until it's been done with us, or until we do it for someone and you see the smile and happiness in their faces. Anyway, I just feel so blessed to have known and had someone this magnificent in my life. I'm so glad he married my aunt, I really don't know how the family would've turned out if these two were'nt meant for each other!

So I just wanted to share that with you guys, I don't know what reminded me now, he's passed away about 5 years ago now. I'm just glad to know he'll always be in my heart :)

On another note, I miss being here, at the blog I mean, I miss writing to you guys. Lately I've been keeping everything I write to myself and it's made me feel lonelier and lonelier.

That's all I've got in me for now..so until I see you next time..remember, a smile is only two cheeks up ;)

Sunday, 30 March 2008

On the Road from the Vatican to Al Azhar



على الطريق المؤدي من الفاتيكان الى الأزهر

إعداد ماري فيتزجيرالد
صحفية إيرلندية

صورة لإدريس توفيق القس البريطاني سابقاً والداعية إلى الله حاليا
ترجمة أ.د. منى أبو كريشة
أستاذة الأمراض العصبية في كلية الطب جامعة القاهرة
ادريس توفيق، هو كاهن كاثوليكي بريطاني أعتنق الإسلام مؤخراً،. هذه المقاله هي ترجمة للقاء معه على مجلة أيريش تايمز.
ماري فيتزجيرالد أجرت لقاء مطولاً معه وتحدث فيها عن رحلته نحو الهداية واعتناق الإسلام ونحب أن ننقله لكم كما هو للفائدة.
انها القصة التي تجذب الناس لحضور محاضراته في منزله الكائن اليوم في القاهرة وتجذبهم لقراءة عموده في صحيفة محلية باللغة الانجليزيه. وهي تضمن له مشاركة العشرات في المناقشات على الانترنت في المواقع الاسلامية.
الكل يريد ان يعرف عن الرجل البريطاني الذي تحول من كاهن كاثوليكي إلى مسلم ورع، او بعبارة أخرى "من الفاتيكان الى الازهر".
ادريس، هو رجل متواضع يبلغ الاربعين وعدة سنوات، ويفهم لماذا قصته تثير استغراب ملايين ولكن بالنسبة إليه الأمر كان منطقيا جدا ليصبح مسلما.
يقول. أرى حياتي تسير في خط مستقيم، مما يؤدي شيئا فشيئا الى حيث انا اليوم."
ادريس درس الكهنوت في روما. شكوكه حول مهنته أدت به في نهاية المطاف الى مغادرة الكهنوت، مما أدى إلى فترة من عدم اليقين بشأن ما هو الاتجاه الذي سيأخذه في حياته.
وقال انه قرر ان يحصل على إستراحة لبعض الوقت، فحجز رحلة إلى مدينة الغردقة المصرية المطلة على ساحل البحر الاحمر. وعندما شعر بالملل من الشاطئ، اتجه إلى القاهرة وتعرض لصدمة ثقافية مختلفة تماما عن ما كان يتوقع.
لأول مرة في حياته اجتمع وتحدث إلى المسلمين، وراقب عن كثب الطقوس. والاستماع الى الدعوة الى الصلاة والشعب يتوقف عن العمل للصلاة نحو مكة مما ترك انطباعا عميقاً لديه.
يقول عن نفسه:" إن أسبوع الإجازة أثر فيّ أكثر من أي شيء آخر وبدأ يزرع بذور الإسلام في قلبي. كانت هذه هي المرة الأولى كنت قد تحدثت فيها مع المسلمين. رأيت انهم ليسوا متعصبين يقرعون طبول الحرب، كانوا فقط ناس عاديين. اكثر من ذلك، انهم شعب لطيف جداً ويملؤهم الايمان"
إدريس عاد الى بريطانيا حيث عمل استاذاً للدين في احدى المدارس الثانويه. وبعد احداث الحادي عشر من ايلول / سبتمبر دفعته هذه الأحداث إلى معرفة المزيد عن الاسلام.
كما أتيحت له فرصة الاجتماع مع
يوسف اسلام، سابقا كات ستيفن، في مسجد لندن المركزي، وكان لقاء محوريا.
يقول:"قلت له ماذا تفعل لتصبح مسلما؟ '، فاجاب انه ينبغي للمسلم ان يعتقد في إله واحد، ويصلي خمس مرات في اليوم ويصوم خلال شهر رمضان. قاطعته قائلا انني كنت أؤمن فعلا بهذا وبل قد صمت مع طلابي المسلمين خلال شهر رمضان.
"حتى سال :' ماذا تنتظر؟ ' قلت له لم اكن انوي التحول.
"في تلك اللحظة أذن المؤذن للصلاة وكان الجميع على استعداد لها وقفت خلف خطوط الصلاة. فجلست أبكي وأبكي، ثم قلت لنفسي،' من تحاول ان تخدع؟ "
عملية التحول إلى الاسلام هو أمر بسيط.، من شأنه - ان يقول المسلم الشهاده أمام الشهود يعترف بوجود اله واحد، هو الله، مع الاقرار بنبوة محمد صلى الله عليه وسلم.
"كثير من المسلمين الجدد يستخدمون كلمة' العودة 'بدلا من تحويل، وذلك لان الاسلام، هو ببساطة' العودة ' إلى الطبيعة الحقيقية للبشرية.
ادريس تحول رسميا إلى الإسلام في مسجد الأزهر، و اتخذ اسم ادريس توفيق -- ادريس، اسم النبي، وتوفيق، وهو في اللغةالعربية تعني حسن الحظ.
"الناس والاحداث دفعتني الى الاسلام"، يقول. "ما جعلني أغادر الكنيسة لم يكن لي اي مشكلة معها.
"اننا نقدس الماضي في الكنيسة، لقد استمتعت بما فعلت، وأنا أحب جميع اولئك الذين تعاونت معهم،. انا فقط لم اكن سعيدا من داخلي."
وعندما سئل عما يراه في الاسلام وتفتقر اليه الكاثوليكيه.
"هذا سؤال مشحون جدا،" يقول، بجدية.
اكبر فرق، اذن؟
"اود ان اقول ان الاسلام يجعل الله محور كل شيء،" يجيب بصورة توضيحية. "انها ليست حول ما فعله يسوع لي انها ليست تقديم صلوات من أجلي. كل شيء يدور حول الله.
"الشيء الآخر هو ان الاسلام يشمل كل جانب من جوانب الحياة. انها ليست الذهاب الى الكنيسة - يوم الاحد -،
"الاسلام يخبرك كيف تحيي الناس، وكيف تأكل الطعام الخاص بك، وكيف ادخل الى غرفة -- كيف نفعل كل شيء في الحياة. بينما المسلمون ليسوا قديسين، والاسلام يشجع المسلمين على التفكير في الله في كل وقت. الاسلام، في جوهره ينسب كل شيء الى الله. بالنسبة للمسلمين، الاسلام هو كل شىء."
وهل التجربه أثارت لديك شكوك في كونك تحولت؟
"لا، لا شيء على الاطلاق،" يجيب. "ورغم ان احد الحواجز لأصبح مسلما كان قصة ابراهيم. يقول الكتاب المقدس ان ابراهيم ضحى بابنه اسحاق، والقرآن يقول انه اسماعيل.
"ربما يبدو غريبا، لكنني تصارعت مع هذا لفترة طويلة. فكرت في ان واحدا منهما يجب ان يكون على خطأ، ولكن في نهاية المطاف، تقبلت ما يقول الاسلام.
"ليس لدي مشكلة مع' انه لا اله الا الله '-- انا كنت دائما أعتقد هذا. ومحمد هو رسوله؟ تعلمت هذا و فهمت جوهره".

"عندما تركت الكنيسة، وتركتها ورائي،" يقول. "انا لا اريد افساد اى شيء يعتقده الناس. إذا كان الناس تسالني عن تحولي سأقول لهم ولكني أترك الامر عند هذا الحد."
وهناك القليل من البيانات المتاحة عن عدد المتحولين الى الاسلام. في الولايات المتحدة 100،000 يتحولون كل سنة. وجد ان مقابل كل رجل يتحول إلى الإسلام، اربع نساء، يحذون حذوه.
اكدت دراسة صدرت حديثا عن يحيى (الذي كان يعرف سابقا جوناثان)، المدير العام السابق لهيئة الاذاعة البريطانية، الى ان هناك الآن 14200 من المتحولين البيض في بريطانيا.
"اعتقد ان الناس الذين يعتنقون الاسلام نرى انهم يتسمون بهدوء وبساطه لم تظهر من قبل،" يقول ادريس. "لا أرى أنه دين جامد، انه مولد للطاقة. الاسلام هو جميل حلو ولطيف.
"وكل القيم التي كانت قائمة في بريطانيا وايرلندا قبل 30 او 40 عاما خلت – مثل احترام والديك، وكبار السن والحكماء – هي ما زالت موجودة في جميع العالم الاسلامي ".
وقد قام بنشر كتاب لغير المسلمين، وشرح تعاليم الاسلام. الاسلام والغرب ينظر كل منهما للآخر بعيون شك وليس هناك حاجة لذلك. ونحن جميعا أناس عاديين مع اختلاف توجهاتنا، "يقول:" غالبية البريد الالكتروني الذي يأتيني من مسلمين وطلاب جامعات شباب ومهتمين اخبروني انهم يحبذون أسلوبي في تقديم ما أعتقده، أقول لهم ولو اننا نصبح قدوات جيدة للمسلمين، الناس في الغرب سيجلسون ويلاحظون. وهذا من شأنه ان يثير اعجابهم. ينبغي لنا كمسلمين أن نحاول اعطاء مثال ممتاز. "
ان احد الامور التي تغيظني كثيرا: هو الكلام عن الصدام بين الحضارات. "لا يوجد صراع الحضارات على الاطلاق، وهذا هراء، لأن الاسلام هو الوطن في اي حضارة،. إذا كنت مسلما في بريطانيا، كنت بريطانيا.
"هذا النقاش في بريطانيا حول ولاء المسلمين، وسواء كان من الممكن ان المسلمين مخلصون لبريطانيا هو مجرد سخف. اعتقد انه في نواح كثيرة مشكلة عنصرية. إذا ذهبت الى لندن، لم يكن احد يسألني عن ولائي لبريطانيا بسبب لون جلدي. السبب إذاً ليس لانهم مسلمون، فالسبب هو انهم الجيل الثاني من الباكستانيين، او البنغاليين او العرب. انه ليس له اي علاقة مع الاسلام. "
يقول. "هناك طرق لتقديم التعاليم الاسلامية في شكل سهل على الناس ومقبول، "
" إسلامي، وإسلام كل مسلم اعرفه في مصر وبريطانيا، هو أن تحاول أن تكون شخصا جيدا كل يوم.
"ولن اخوض للدفاع عن الاسلام لأنه أكثر بكثير مما تفخر به.



للتواصل مع الأستاذ إدريس توفيق
على العنوان التالي:
مصر ـ الجيزة ـ 9 شارع حسين أحمد رشيد
P.O.Box 279, Postal Code 12311
admin@idristawfiq.com
كما يمكن زيارة موقعه
http://www.idristawfiq.com/
المصدر:
تقارير عن "وجوه الاسلام" أيريش تايمز الايرلنديه
http://www.ireland.com/newspaper/world/2006/0811/1154691576730.html

Sunday, 17 February 2008

21...Here I Come :)

I was fascinated a few days ago to realize that so much has developed in my personality, i mean, now i actually HAVE a personality! I have finally reached that stage in my life; where when you think of Lubna you think of a certain set of beliefs, a way of thinking, dressing, eating, laughing, appearing, talking. I have an amazing sense of satisfaction and relief in my heart. This is what I have been looking for all those years, this has been the horrible sense of loss and invisibility I have been living in. I used to crave belonging so badly, it was the most important thing to me. I thought I would find it in love, but that didn't turn out too well. I thought it would be with friends, but then I realized that that's not the way to find yourself either. I never really considered joining a cult or anything that extreme; but I did have a breakthrough - I figured I have to learn to belong to myself first and THEN I could get more belonging "energy" from love, friendship, family, religion, school, country..i could go on for paragraphs. The basis is to learn to have this sense of belonging to yourself first; and you get that by knowing who you are. You know what you allow and don't allow yourself to do, you know how you would like people to see you in the way you dress, talk, eat, laugh, converse, argue, etc etc. Initially, we were all born the same more or less; the first few years of our life we are formed by our parents, do this don't do this, that kind of thing. Then we grow up a little, we start to rebel, we want to do things our way, discover the world on our own, make our own mistakes; then a few years later we find ourselves lost and meaningless, we try to imitate everything and everyone around us. First we imitate our friends, then maybe a celebrity, some of us even imitate their parents - it all depends on who has the most influence on your life. To create a better picture here, I would say it is like going to a shop trying to buy clothes on your own for the time ever, you have no guidance as to what color, size, or shape would fit you. You walk into the shop, alone and somewhat scared, you feel like the shop is larger than it used to be, you keep walking until you bump into the first rack - pants - you pick out a few that you think would look good and you head to the fitting room to try them on..some seemingly fit and others don't, you're confused and unsure why they don't, maybe you need a bigger size or a different cut. Deep inside, you would wish that whoever used to pick out your clothes would magically appear in the room and make that decision for you, whereas if someone does come up to you and try to help you get all defensive and feel threatened that they're trying to take away your freedom. Wierd, huh? So anyway, the years pass by you've bought so many pants and shirts that don't fit, you've had help with some - probably those who do fit - and others you've had to decide to buy on your own - probably those who don't! However, after a huge collection of mismatching pants and shirts you now have the skills you need to buy clothes on your own, and although you still make a mistake every once in a while and buy those army pants that look horrible on you, or those pair of sunglasses that make you look like a fly, the number of mistake you make has been noticeably minimized. One day, you wake up and live your day as usual not aware that a critical change has occured inside you until you meet someone who may ask you something, anything, and through your answer you find yourself amazed at the way you are presenting your thoughts and ideas, and forming opinions about something in a way you never did before. You then spend some time alone, reflecting on the past few months and how you have been acting and reacting, on what your criteria have been when you came to make a decision, and how thoughts, ideas, and opinions that form in your mind differ from those that formed in your head over the course of your life. That, my friends, is when you know you have grown up..or at least began to.


Oh, and wouldn't it make sense for me to start growing up now that I'm four days away from my 21st birthday? Yessir, that's right :D

Sunday, 10 February 2008

Red Bell Pepper, Red Bell Pepper..Can You Say it 5 Times in a Row?



Hello folks, I've added some photos I've taken a few days ago, hope you enjoy them :)

Friday, 8 February 2008

Patch Adams

I just watched Robin Williams' “Patch Adams”, and the movie has struck me in more ways than I can describe. It shook me and woke me up, it reminded me of what I wanted most in the world. It reminded me of something I had forgotten, or more like given up on, a long time ago. It lit my flame and brought back to me the passion of helping others, it reminded me of the overwhelming ecstasy and satisfaction I feel when I see the smile on someone’s face after I have helped them in some way. It brought me back to my senses and made me cry till it burned inside. I now can, finally, say who I am in words.

I am the one person in the world who is willing to defy the laws of gravity to spread happiness and cheer. I am the person who will give her last breath to seeing a smile on a face. I am the girl who is willing to make a fool of herself to see a child laugh. I am the person whom God chose to give a gift that is very rare and yet quite common. God has given me the gift of giving. I give love, care, food, money, support, advice, encouragement..anything I could get my hands on that will make someone else happy. I derive my own happiness from seeing others happy; they don’t have to be someone I know, and it doesn’t have to have anything to do with me, but as long as I am seeing smiles in the world, I am a happy person. I will dedicate my last breath and last pound to spreading smiles and love. I will give with no return, love with no judgment, and receive the smiles around me graciously and with no burden. To me an unhappy face is yet another cry for help, not a reason for me to give up.

I don’t know why I was made that way, or what is going to become of me in the future..but one thing I am positive about, if I still have it in me to create love, peace, and lots & lots of smiles then there is absolutely nothing wrong with the world except that it needs some more happiness conductors – and world, they are on their way.

My Friend

All my life, I’ve been looking for a true friend. A friend that would be there when I need them, a friend who would understand when you mess up. A friend who would know what’s wrong just by looking into your eyes. Not realizing all along that I’ve always had that friend and pushing him away in search for another. How stupid! How Human. I have a friend who is always there when you need him, at any time, any place. In any way possible I need him he will be there. I could talk to him, write him, think to him even and he will know what I want and what’s wrong. He always gets the right picture and always understands when I mess up. He’s ever so compassionate and even when he’s upset he’s fair to you. He tells you over and over again that his ultimate happiness is when you come back running into his arms after you’ve messed up. He’s willing to help you so long as you’ll let him. He’s willing to accept you as long as you would let him. He’s infinitely rich and powerful; he wants to give you all his wealth just because he loves you. He’s the only friend who will never let you down, or tell you he’s busy. He loves you unconditionally and more than anyone could ever love you. You are more dear to him than you are to your parents, friends, grandparents, or spouses. His forgiveness and kindness is infinite and always there for you to make the best of them. Even the little he asks of you is for your own benefit, because no matter how powerful or rich you get, you still cannot dream of coming close to being equal to him. No matter what you have or what you can do, it stands incomparable to what he has and can do, so you are by no measure of any benefit to him. You can always trust him, infinitely and completely. You can always have faith in him. If ever you have doubt in his love to you, look around you, he left signs all over to remind you. His love to you isn’t shared with others, so you can never feel neglected just because someone else needs him at the same time you do. He is the one friend who’s love can bring people together eternally, and make bonds stronger and goals united. I can go on forever…but need I say more?

Thursday, 7 February 2008

A Theory About Life

As you go through different stages of your life you meet new people, try new things, change in so many ways and for so many reasons. Each time you start a new phase of your life you set a new scenario; for instance, say you moved to a new town. You have new neighbors, wake up to a new scene, make new friends, start new routines and settle yourself in this new life to the very last detail of your daily life. It doesn’t come intentionally, or in a particular order. But nevertheless it’s a part of your action and thought process. Every time you start a new phase of your life, you are creating a new scrapbook for that period of time. Not physically, but it is sort of there whether you wanted it or not. And it doesn’t just include your own memories, they are an assemblage of your impressions and thoughts about something, others’ impressions and images of you and your actions, your habits and likes and dislikes. It’s all collected into this period of your life. When you eventually start a new phase in your life, like change jobs, get married, or move, you inevitably leave behind all those memories in an invisible sealed box that opens up every time you revisit that phase – mentally or physically. This could cause you pain, or it could cause pleasure and nostalgia; it all depends on what you left behind in that box. This may lead us to the conclusion that we should try to at least make the effort to ensure that we leave behind a good set of memories and impressions in each phase of our life. And although there will always be factors that we cannot control, like others’ impressions of us or the loss of loved ones, we should at least keep it as a goal to keep a straight record and make as many positive memories as we can.

Tuesday, 6 November 2007

Midnite Whatever

NB: This post is from a few days ago, I typed it up on Word but forgot to publish it the next day.

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When I try to think of what people really want out of life, I find myself lost. Is it only one thing, a single universal goal for all humanity; or are people’s goals as unique and individual as they are. Ultimately, when we find out what people want, we can decode their actions. After all, no one acts out of nothing; there has to be some motive behind that action. Conducting a research like that, to find out people’s goals and moving force in life will probably be quite a shocker. Or not. My guess is that no matter how different people seem to be they will end up being classified into groups. Some people want acceptance, others want respect, some seek God’s love. Many people, I’m sure, will be strongly moved by the Green Stuff, the big bucks. Bloody surprise! It is, however, unfair to judge anyone by their goals, desires, dreams, or actions because all of these are changeables. Sure enough, they define a person and who they are, but nevertheless, no one has the right to cast judgements at anyone else unless they themselves are perfect (which of course is impossible). Now, by judge I strictly mean negatively assessing someone else; and that’s a very awful thing to do, now isn’t it?

I reckon I’ll start asking people from now on what they really want out of life. I must get it out of my system.

Anyhow, when I’m really upset or engrossed in something I can’t sleep at night. I usually make myself something hot to drink (Yes, even in the summer!) and watch TV and/or write and/or stare out the window (providing I have one close enough and at eye level!!) I find those things help me either think about what’s bothering me, or avoid thinking about them (how ironic). One thing I didn’t mention though, is that a lot of the times too, I start pacing slowly around the house, as if I’m taking a little walk in my own imaginary garden. So tonight is one of those times. I’m pacing in the dark, eyes swollen, nose red. The issue on my mind isn’t that huge, but I was misunderstood and haven’t had a chance to explain myself (thanks to someone’s rushed replies and unwillingness to listen), that really gets on my nerves. So I start to think after a few hundred paces “why am I like that? What is it exactly that I’m holding onto so strongly that would get me crying like that after I had one of the most cheerful days ever?” I mean, you have to wonder how you could transform completely from one state of mind to another within a few seconds only because you felt you lost something you hold so dear to you. In my case, as I’m sure you’re probably wondering by now, it was self-reliance and independence. Most of you don’t know me since I was a kid, but as far as I can recall I’ve always wanted to do things on my own. My mum tells me stories on how I would never let her do anything for me and how I’d try to get it on my own first and THEN asking for help if I fail. Not such a bad thing, really, considering the fact that I also love to rely on certain people for certain things when I feel it is right. But I would never let myself get to the stage where I always have to rely to others and can’t get my life sorted out on my own. So really, as independent people go, I’m not so bad. But as an independent kid, teen, and young woman, I so badly need to get it through to my folks that there are certain things that could be done with me that will get me to do everything they want me to do and vice versa. But that’s a different story.

Actually, when you give it a little thought you will come to conclude that most of the arguments that occur between people are not what they seem at all. Most probably what happens to keep those things on fire is that they each strike each other’s chords and touch something that really threatens the other person’s existence so they keep going back and forth trying to prove themselves right. To validate their being. To validate their universe.


So long for now, dad’s home from work and we’re having supper together. Midnight supper.

I Am One of Those Who Are! But Why?

I was looking through my old keep-sakes; rummaging through the old pages of my life. They were all things from my senior years of school. Most of the stuff is just..stuff. But the things that really got to me were the drawings and writings I had from that time. Quite amazing. To me, at least. It’s a combination of pleasant shock and surprise when you remember things you used to say and think when you were at a certain stage in your life; things that you no longer keep at the top of your head. I chose a little something to add to the blog, that I had decided to keep to myself at the time I wrote it. The first part of it is a poem, the second is just a paragraph of prose; both under the title of “I am one of those who are! Why?”

I am one of those who are,
Who have to see thru a window,
Who cannot see without it too,
But have the insight gizmo.
Not many have it, but many do,
Know how to use it well.
The smallest window that ever was,
Was one that made us see,
And made our lives much better coz
Without it we wouldn’t be,
The ones we are, the ones we’ll be,
The ones who fought and fret,
To see the light
With their insight,
Is all they’ll ever need.
I am one of those who are,
With a window on my nose,
From the second I’m up,
Till I go to bed,
It sits.
From metal scrap and plastic,
It lives to be my guide,
Through the narrow paths, and the wide ones,
And the ups and downs of life.
I am one of those who are, but why?

I sit and wonder, why are some people like that, why are others not? It’s fair, coz Allah decided it to be so. I shouldn’t complain. I don’t. I only wonder, why is it so? Why am I one of those who are? Is it good for me? Is it bad? Some people are like that, some aren’t, I am one of those who are. It’s not the worst, it could have been worse, it could’ve been totally wrong. I could’ve been totally blind. Why do I complain? I wonder why I am, one of those who are. I don’t complain, I wonder. Is it permanent? Is there a cure? I want an answer. No catch, just an answer. If I could ask for one thing and it would come true, what would I ask for? My sight, no I guess not. I would choose Paradise. Eternal happiness. Then, there is no catch. Eternal happiness, good friends, good husband, good life. They’re all waiting for me in Paradise. Better manners. Patience. Patience. Patience.

I am one of them. Am I happy? Yes. I am very happy. More happy than others. Others are miserable. I am not. I am happy.

Will it go away? I want answers, no catch.

I am one of those who are. Why?


16 years old
04-04-03


It really wasn’t easy growing up as a kid with glasses. Not that I got teased at school or anything (Thank God for that!) but it can get quite annoying to always have something resting on your face. For one thing, you can’t watch tv sleeping on the couch! Well, the day I bought my first pair of contact lens, I came home and looked in the mirror. I told my mom “So that’s what I really look like” It was the first time I could see my face and my eyes just the way they are. It’s probably not very easy for you to imagine what the big deal is if you don’t wear specs. But for all my bespectacled friends out there, you’ll know what I mean. It really is different seeing yourself through glasses and just seeing your face the way it really looks.

Mind you, there are a few up-sides to having weak eyesight; for example, when I take off my glasses and bring something really close up to my face I could see the finest details that wouldn’t be so clear with glasses (because if you bring something really close to your face with glasses on or if you have perfect eyesight, you not only get cross-eyed, but your head hurts too). I know it probably seems like I’m trying to comfort myself by saying that there are good sides to this..well, maybe. So sue me! I’d rather think of all the stupid and incredible things to make myself feel better than to sit around all my life crying and drowning in self-pity like some do. I’m just accepting reality.

Anyhow, being – as I put it – One of Those Who Are, I still believe I’m blessed in more ways than many people around me. And After all, if my test of character isn’t in my faith then who cares! I’m only going to be around for a few decades. And besides, as I always say – it could’ve been worse.

So you’re probably wondering if I’m at so much peace with the issue, why did I decide to write about it? Well, truth be told I sensed from talking with many people that those who are “Not” don’t usually know what it’s really like to “Be” and they take their sight for granted. Oh, AND when they talk about the eye weaknesses they talk about it as if it’s merely a headache – yea right! That’ll make us feel better! Then again, I never like to generalize; I know people who are very sensible in that respect and put others’ feelings into their consideration while talking. May you have perfect eyesight forever for that compassionate gesture.

Have a good look…I mean day ::giggle::

Monday, 5 November 2007

It Hurts to Be A Big Girl =(

I've been giving a lot of thought to what "growing up" means; of course everyone's definition of a certain term will vary to some extent, but more or less, they all have to meet on some kind of common grounds. So to me it was like cinderella's shoes, I had one pair and I didn't know who's foot it will be the perfect fit for. However, I came up with some sort of an idea about what it means to be a grown-up.



Being a grown-up is being able to tell yourself "I don't REALLY need this new, unbelievably cool phone right now..I guess I could wait a few months" even if you're dying inside and everyone else has it.



Being a grown-up is taking the blame for forgetting to clean out the fish tank causing one of the fish to die, rather than pointing fingers at everyone and trying to weasel your way out of it.



Being a grown-up is having the courage to put yourself behind in favor of the group interest.



Being a grown-up is having the guts to say you're sorry when you've screwed up.



It's not always easy being a grown-up, and it's pretty shitty most of the time but knowing that you reached that level of maturity gives you an incredible sense of power and satisfaction. People could be 50 and 60 years old but have the maturity of a 10 year old. Others could be 20 and 30 and have the maturity of 70.



We all face painful things in our lives, we all cry - even if only in private, but the really mature know how to get their crying over with and start gaining the skills they need to deal with their problems. Because there will always be problems, they may be immediately close to you or far away, they may be yours or others', they may be related to the past, present, or the future. but one thing I know for sure is that they will always be there waiting to give you yet another test of character. It's really up to us whether we pass or not.

Sunday, 4 November 2007

The Lady in The Bathroom

Hey folks, I feel like it's been a while since I heard from anyone..I just hope everything's good for everyone :) Always remember people, whatever it is, it can always be fixed ;)

So, A few days ago I was out shopping at Bhs and Mothercare and my mum and I needed to make a stop at the ladies room, so we ask around and finally manage to get there before any damage is done :P. Inside, we're greeted by this very sweet Bengali lady who looks after the washroom, from the looks of it she must be around 50. I'm washing my hands and waiting for my mum, when the lady asks me "is she your mum?"; I smile and say yes and ask her if she knew because I look like her, just making small talk really. Then she starts telling me how she's fasting today and that this is the last of the six days of Shawwal and this makes my heart smile. The point of this whole story is something that she says next; she tells me "Allah says that if you keep your heart clean and pure you will have Heaven waiting for you, but if your heart isn't pure no matter how many good deeds you do it won't be worth anything." At that moment I felt like it was only me and that woman in the world. It was as if time stopped and everything just paused and that woman was all that exists. It was amazing. This simple humble woman, who probably wants nothing more out of life than to feed her family and see her kids happy summed up the whole purpose of our existence in one beautifully plain sentence. That, my friends, is the truth. Whether we like it or not, at some point there will be an end to all this. Now wouldn't it be wonderful to end up on the right side of the tracks? And all for the affordable price of keeping your heart pure of any hatred, envy, bigotry, and all other diseases of the heart. It may seem like an awful lot of work and effort, but if you do it for the right reasons be sure that God will help you. And hey, we go through a lot of trouble for other things, isn't an eternity in heaven worth a little work?
Keep the love goin' people
Oh, and by the way, you look beautiful today ;)

Sunday, 14 October 2007

YES

I just had an epiphany, a personal epiphany. I had always thought to myself, when I get married I HAVE to get married to an open-minded, easy-going guy. I’ve always had the problem of being the only one in my family who enjoys spur-of-the-moment activities, and loves making a decision to go out or do something without having previously planned for it. It was my dream to live my life like that, and to me it seemed like since my family aren’t like that, my only hope is in the guy I marry. Well, you're probably wondering why I can't be like that in my own life, not depend on someone. Seeing as we live in a society and all our actions inevitably affect the people we interact with,to some extent, it would be – at times – awfully selfish to just decide to go out or do something all of a sudden when the people you live with aren’t like that; especially when your life is interwoven with theirs.

Anyhow, as you may have noticed in my Bookworm section, I’m reading Danny Wallace’s Yes Man, and as much as I’ve been enjoying the book and writer’s style (to the extent that I sometimes wake up my mom with the sound of my laughing!), I’m finding it a little difficult to completely embrace the details to be learned by the events. However, I picked up the book just a few moments ago, I’m in bed all tucked in and happy and I start to read. I’m not really sure which line I stopped at so I go over a little bit of the page. I come across a paragraph I realize I've already read before, but didn’t give that much attention to, here’s a few sentences (the section in blue is what really inspired me, the rest of the text is just to keep it in context):

I had been genuinely inspired by my short time with Marc. He was someone brave
enough to just let things happen. To roll with the punches. To go where the wind
took him. And he’d changed my attitude, somewhat. I realized, slowly, that I’d been treating Yeses like they were against me. That they were challenges to be overcome. That they were things I could fail. In actual fact, they were just part of life. And if I treated
them like Marc did, they would become life.


It feels quite amazing to me really, because just two days ago I read this same paragraph and I was like those Looney Tunes cartoons where an airplane zips over their head and they stand there like the goofballs they are going "Huuh?" ! I, too, realized that I’ve been such an idiot. I’ve been waiting all my life for someone else to be open-minded so I could be like them. I needed somebody’s approval to say yes to opportunities. I know I said I’m the only one in the family who lives by spontaneity – Uh..Big Lie! Well, maybe in my head I do, that’s what I want to be so much. But most of the time I end up being too afraid of actually going through with the things that I decide to do, I chicken out. I get too scared that something will go wrong, or maybe that I’ll be disappointed. So it’s always been a kind of struggle with me, I want to be one way, but I’m too scared to go through with it and maybe the surrounding atmosphere hasn’t been all the best help in that arena. So anyway, I just realized, after reading that paragraph from the book, that in order to have a life of spontaneity, open-mindedness, and loads of opportunities, The one person that I really need to be like that is ME. Everyone knows you can’t fill up a closed bottle with water, and by saying no to every opportunity I’m just tightening the lid on my bottle. It’s like taking the antenna off your radio and then cursing it for not receiving any channels! So it was incredibly inspiring to me when I discovered that I can do something about it and not just wait for someone else to come and scoop me off the land of No-No. It’s quite simple really, if you spend just a week being more open to opportunities then they Will come your way. And of all the chances that get thrown at you, one is bound to be something you’ve been waiting for.

Life is Good. Live it right and it will help you.



Tuesday, 2 October 2007

Marriage..Yes, Again!


I’ve come to peaceful terms with some of the issues that have been on my mind lately. One being marriage; is it a 9 legged monster that should be avoided at all costs? Or is it, in fact, a rather splendid project that should be approached with an open mind and a lot of love..well, to make a long story short, I’ve come to believe that it is what you want it to be. People will tell you all sorts of horrible stories in attempts to what would seem like they’re trying to drive you away from it. On the other hand when you say you don’t want it anymore, they go absolutely berserk trying to convince you that you absolutely must get married!! Quite stupid I should say. Let’s just say, the people are confused!! Anyhow, I decided that although it is not an easy task, surfing smoothly through marriage is quite a simple one. Be smart. Be honest. Be yourself.

Alright then..toodles.

To Cook...Or Not To Cook


I have reached this point in my life where I must think what I want to do. I am free to become whatever my heart desires. Well, anything except maybe a dentist. It’s a long story. So I wake up every morning, with one question on my mind: who am I? the question may seem irrelevant to the issue at hand, but in order for me to know what I want to do, I should start by knowing who I am. The thing about my situation is, I do a lot of things. That’s a good thing. Or is it? I’ve been drinking tonnes of water lately, but that’s another story. If being a multi-talented person is a good thing, I’d say that’s because it gives me the space to do whatever I fancy. On the other hand, it is like you’re the joker in the deck, that blank domino that just goes wherever you want it. I cook, write, paint, design. I’m creative and I love doing adverts. I’m horrible with finances though. I suck at it. I’m most likely to turn a sum into a clever drawing or a recipe than tell you 2 x 2 = 4 (FIY I had to check with my calculator for that!) I’m starting to consider putting math skills as a requirement in my “ideal guy”, someone has to help the kids with homework!

Everytime I start thinking about what I’d love to do with my life, I end up not wanting to do anything at all. I start off with the usual write-down-my-skills-fiasco, and then all hell breaks loose. I want to be this, I want to do that. Suddenly I’m the world’s best designer, cook, restaurant owner, blah blah. It’s thought and time consuming. Not to mention that in the crazy twist of things, I realize it will take me ages before I actually Become any of these things. Maybe I should work freelance. I never really liked the idea of working steady (yes, that too is a long story) so I was kind of not thinking of getting involved in anything at the moment. However, the idea of working from home or working freelance may just be the thing for me.

This just in: Does spending your evenings on your living room couch with your laptop in your lap thinking of where your life is headed actually make you a grown-up? I’m going to be writing a lot about this whole grown-up business those days. It is, after all, the story of my life now. I hear that this is the time you should be starting to think of growing up.

Behold people, I shall soon become a…uh…Big Girl :)


Her Birthday

Today is my mom’s birthday, and for the first time ever I am not 100% prepared with the perfect gift and the perfect wrapping and presentation for it. I got a card and managed to come up with a gift but it just feels so…empty. I usually put a lot of thought into anything I’m bying for someone; it should be something they need, something that will put a smile on their face, something that will make them feel special, and most important, something that they feel is personal, that they know I’ve put my heart into, not just my wallet. Then there’s the presentation of the gift. I make it a deal to set up a display for my gifts. Especially those I give to my parents and brother, since we live at the same house, it’s easier to make a display. Another thing I HAVE to make sure I do – I have to wake up earlier than this person, set up the display wherever they are bound to bump into it the first thing in the morning. One time I put a table with my gift on it for mother’s day right outside the bathroom door! It was quite successful, you could say she literally Bumped into it!! It was fun too, greeting her with a hundred-watt smile at her bed, mentally pulling her out of bed to get up and see the presentation I’ve set up for her. I’m like a little kid again, all bubbly and excited.

My profound interest in putting effort and thought (and money!) into buying and giving a gift is probably a result of something my parents always did with me. They know that I’ve always LOVED surprises, I love them in all shapes and sizes. So whenever there was a special day for me (birthday, graduation, just-being-a-good-girl, whatever it was) they would make sure to put all their cards and gifts on my dresser before I woke up and they knew that the first thing I would do when I wake up is put my specs on and look at that blessed spot! One day, I woke up, it was my birthday, I looked…and my worst nightmare came true..There Was NOTHING! Can you believe it?! It was heartbreaking! And the worst thing is, I have to go out there and act normal! Well, to my pleasant surprise, I realised later on that they wanted to make a little change, and they waited until I got up, went into the bathroom, quickly put all the stuff in there as if it was always there, and continued with their lives as though nothing in the world has changed! Now THAT was a pleasant surprise. And to be honest, it kind of rekindled the element of novelty in the whole parade. I have to say, if there was one thing I learned from my mother, it was to put all your heart and mind into any gift you give to someone. Thanks mom, that is the best gift you could ever give me J

Be The Bigger Man

It makes me quite sad when I read those articles and emails that ask questions about the difference between the two genders in whatever aspect, only to find women lash out at men and vice versa. Generally, I’m not a gender-biased person. Everyone does good and bad. But it really makes me sad when you can’t find one piece of writing in which one gender says anything good about the other. Browsing through today’s paper (and I’m not implying that I actually Read the paper!), I came across a sort of study that asks the question “Which of the two partners is more concerned with the household finances?”. It wasn’t really any surprise to find that the women were calling the men tight and the men saying that all their wives do is squander his money on her petty luxuries.

Does anyone else find it strange that the two people (man & woman) whom God created to be each other’s comfort and safety are the two who have declared the biggest war yet over each other? Seriously, whatever happened to sympathy, empathy, and understanding? Whatever happened to unconditional love between people, to selfless giving and caring? Has everyone become so obsessed and blinded by their selfish love for themselves that they cannot see beyond their own desires and benefits? Does dignity and self-respect mean that people are too proud and arrogant to say “I’m sorry”, “Thank You”, or a truthful “I Love You”? Is that how we really want to live? By seeing that every bad thing or every obstacle is someone else’s fault? Our parents, siblings, peers, teachers, kids..it’s always someone else, isn’t it? Not one time does anyone have enough courage to be the man and say “you know what, never mind who’s fault it is, what matters is that we fix the damage” Is it all of a sudden that everyone just Has To Be Right all the time? I want one true human being to look themselves in the mirror and say out loud that they CAN take the blame when they should, or that they give an apology when it’s due. I won’t claim to be perfect, I’m too arrogant myself sometimes to admit I’m wrong. Sometimes I just won’t take it, especially in front of my parents. Don’t really know why I do that, but I do admit it. I hate it, and it’s one of the things on my list that I’m working on. God help me.

You know what guys? Sitting around mourning what we have come to isn’t really going to get us anywhere..i say we just do something about it, eh? I say we all promise ourselves right now, just to yourself, no one is hearing or judging. Just promise yourself that the next time you find yourself about to start blaming the world for your screw ups, that you’ll stop and do something about it. Stop and Fix The Damage. And the next time you find a normal conversation escalating into an argument, you will be the bigger man and say “our friendship is bigger than that” or “it doesn’t matter who’s fault it is, it’s not the end of the world”. Let us all start to Be The Bigger Man.

Wednesday, 26 September 2007

Pondering

I think. I am always thinking. It is both a gift and a curse. But I adapt to it.

I think of why I am the way I am, why certain circumstances and situations shaped me in one particular way rather than another. I sometimes find answers..but not as often as I would like.

I think of the world and what causes it to become the way it is. I get sad. But I live with it. When it comes to other people or the way other things affect me, I can understand. I can deal with it. But when it is something about me, a truth or fact that I just cannot fathom; I cannot rest until I figure it out.

I wonder about what will happen in the future and how it will shape my personality. I wonder whether my future will turn out the way I imagine it..or is it destined to be the complete opposite.

I dream about being a rich restaurant owner who uses her money to improve the world..or at least her neighbourhood. I dream about owning a chocolate factory and being the first and best Arab and Muslim chocolate manufacturer. I dream about being one of the people who change the World’s view of Islam, and do what should be done, be a true Muslim through my actions and manners, not by bombing up innocent people. I dream about being the best role model for the people I know. I dream about influencing everyone I know in one way or another..in a positive way of course. I dream about mastering 7 different languages and using them to fulfill my other goals. I dream about living in a beautiful two storey house with a huge garden and a great pool. I dream about having an honest and open relationship with my husband and kissing him goodbye everyday before he leaves to work. I dream about having 4 adorable children whom I will raise to become the best role model they can be. I left out my health in all my dreams. For some reason, I just thought it would be there. But how am I to know? I might have all of the above, but not have the health to enjoy it. No one has everything, not even if your intention is correct and your goal is pleasing God. It’s just not right. It would not be fair to some people if others could just have everything while they have nothing, or close to nothing. One thing I am grateful for, I am not the one to choose which to give up.




Prejudice



Prejudice: An unreasonable or unfair dislike or preferrence.

Or in other words judging a person or situation without truly knowing all its aspects. I don’t believe in first impressions, or second, or third for that matter. A true impression can only be taken when there’s interaction with that person many times, and he is seen in different situations.

But what if you need to know what someone is truly like, but you’re not close enough to see them through these conditions?

Hmm..there’s something for me to ponder about…




Never Bullshit a Bullshitter!

I’ve come to a couple of realizations about myself; a) that I overabuse the phrase “I’ve come to realize” in all it’s forms, and b) that the time of my life that I claimed not be asking or expecting very high standards of the people around me, like my family, it was really only me not bothering to ask my self higher standards. I was slacking, and I wanted to make it seem alright and accepted by saying that these Are my standards; that I’m not the kind of person to ask for much. Scary isn’t it? How you live one way for so long, and then one day, in only a breath of a moment, all of your excuses and explanations just come tumbling down. History. I believe that at the time I was making those excuses, I knew subconsciously that they were just excuses. I knew that I could do better, ask for better. Demand myself to reach my full potential. But it seemed so much easier to Not Go There. This area was like a dark cursed place that I avoided at all costs. It was Easier This Way.

I have this strategy, truth be told I’m not quite sure if it’s any good, but nevertheless I follow it. I reach a point where I say ok, I’ve been pushing myself so hard, I’ve been working a lot. Now I take time off. I give myself the time to relax. For some reason my ‘time off’ seems to always magically stretch! Now it’s a day, then it’s another day. A week. A month. Two months. A year. Believe me, it could stretch up to that sometimes. And the more it does the worse it gets. It becomes this endless cycle and it’s like Groundhog day all over again. Usually, I fight so hard when I’m in one of those cycles. I fight my parents, family, friends, nature, the world. I’m in complete and utter denial over the status I’ve reached. I keep telling myself that I haven’t been like that all that long. I’m just taking a break from blah blah. I need this, I’ve been pushing so hard. Two words: Bull Shit! I once heard this line in the Pink Panther movie, the very last one where Inspector Clousau disappears. This guy (whose name I forgot) tells the reporter who is investigating the disappearance: Never bullshit a bullshitter. Well, exactly, the dude got it just right. If you’re going to stand there with one pocket hanging out and your hair looking like you’ve been mopping the kitchen floor with it and tell me all the lame excuses that I use to give myself the comforting feeling that “I’m still ok” then you could do one of two things: a) keep living that way, or b) get off your behind and actually do something about it!

Ok, maybe that was a little hostile. But hey, you know I still love you, right? Well, I wouldn’t be doing that if I didn’t. Now smile for me, I can’t bear to see you sad. There you go, that’s a very beautiful smile.




Sunday, 16 September 2007

When They Called Me FAT!

There are a million things on my mind that i could write about right now, but there's only one thing that i really feel like getting off my heart. Isn't it weird how when someone whom you know cares about you keeps repeating something about you that really hurts you? No wait, that's not the weird part, the weird part comes when you know that this person KNOWS that it hurts you when they say that. Weird, huh?

Well, just moments ago i heard someone (who shall remain nameless) in the next room saying that they're afraid that i'll get fat. Now, anyone knows you should NEVER say such a thing about a girl!! And even more when she isn't fat at all!!! When it comes to weight, other than those noodle-waist girls, most of us fluctuate. Thank God I fluctuate within invisible range!! I know i never was fat, i know i'm not fat, and i'm determined never to be fat. Nevertheless, when a guy said it to me straight on; he was like "you know, you shouldn't be eating that, you need to be losing weight", and i was thinking "where is that crane that had such a painfully looking hook?! Oh yea, over there..go play with it honey, it's a nice toy!!! I mean, REALLY! It took more than that to crush me tho..it took two more jer--uh--guys to really blow me out! And as i said, i know i'm not fat, but it kinda makes you wonder...is this really how the world sees me?! Oh what the hell, go hassle someone else!

Anyhow, when you've had a not-so-pleasant experience with something, and someone so close to you just keeps rubbing it in your face..it HURTS! You want to scream out I'VE HEARD ENOUGH CRAP ABOUT THIS I DON'T NEED IT FROM YOU! you expect the people closest to you to at least not put more gas to the fire. Jeez!

So i was about to storm into the room and scream my head off about how upset and hurt i am and how inconsiderate this is, when i just found myself sort of in a trance, with the sweet image in my head of ''what if i don't do it?'' what if i just give myself a few minutes to cool down, deal with this, don't be like a blob of potassium in a tub of water (one of my fav. experiments in IG Chemistry btw). It is ok. It is absolutely fine. And hey, if i'm so damn sure of body, what the heck does it matter what others say! HA! RIGHT IN YOUR FACE!!

It somehow gives you a sense of strength and power. You were able to hear something about yourself that completely set the fireworks off in your head, but you didn't just react like a lab monkey and went off on everyone. It so cool!