Midnite Whatever

NB: This post is from a few days ago, I typed it up on Word but forgot to publish it the next day.

------------------------------

When I try to think of what people really want out of life, I find myself lost. Is it only one thing, a single universal goal for all humanity; or are people’s goals as unique and individual as they are. Ultimately, when we find out what people want, we can decode their actions. After all, no one acts out of nothing; there has to be some motive behind that action. Conducting a research like that, to find out people’s goals and moving force in life will probably be quite a shocker. Or not. My guess is that no matter how different people seem to be they will end up being classified into groups. Some people want acceptance, others want respect, some seek God’s love. Many people, I’m sure, will be strongly moved by the Green Stuff, the big bucks. Bloody surprise! It is, however, unfair to judge anyone by their goals, desires, dreams, or actions because all of these are changeables. Sure enough, they define a person and who they are, but nevertheless, no one has the right to cast judgements at anyone else unless they themselves are perfect (which of course is impossible). Now, by judge I strictly mean negatively assessing someone else; and that’s a very awful thing to do, now isn’t it?

I reckon I’ll start asking people from now on what they really want out of life. I must get it out of my system.

Anyhow, when I’m really upset or engrossed in something I can’t sleep at night. I usually make myself something hot to drink (Yes, even in the summer!) and watch TV and/or write and/or stare out the window (providing I have one close enough and at eye level!!) I find those things help me either think about what’s bothering me, or avoid thinking about them (how ironic). One thing I didn’t mention though, is that a lot of the times too, I start pacing slowly around the house, as if I’m taking a little walk in my own imaginary garden. So tonight is one of those times. I’m pacing in the dark, eyes swollen, nose red. The issue on my mind isn’t that huge, but I was misunderstood and haven’t had a chance to explain myself (thanks to someone’s rushed replies and unwillingness to listen), that really gets on my nerves. So I start to think after a few hundred paces “why am I like that? What is it exactly that I’m holding onto so strongly that would get me crying like that after I had one of the most cheerful days ever?” I mean, you have to wonder how you could transform completely from one state of mind to another within a few seconds only because you felt you lost something you hold so dear to you. In my case, as I’m sure you’re probably wondering by now, it was self-reliance and independence. Most of you don’t know me since I was a kid, but as far as I can recall I’ve always wanted to do things on my own. My mum tells me stories on how I would never let her do anything for me and how I’d try to get it on my own first and THEN asking for help if I fail. Not such a bad thing, really, considering the fact that I also love to rely on certain people for certain things when I feel it is right. But I would never let myself get to the stage where I always have to rely to others and can’t get my life sorted out on my own. So really, as independent people go, I’m not so bad. But as an independent kid, teen, and young woman, I so badly need to get it through to my folks that there are certain things that could be done with me that will get me to do everything they want me to do and vice versa. But that’s a different story.

Actually, when you give it a little thought you will come to conclude that most of the arguments that occur between people are not what they seem at all. Most probably what happens to keep those things on fire is that they each strike each other’s chords and touch something that really threatens the other person’s existence so they keep going back and forth trying to prove themselves right. To validate their being. To validate their universe.


So long for now, dad’s home from work and we’re having supper together. Midnight supper.

I Am One of Those Who Are! But Why?

I was looking through my old keep-sakes; rummaging through the old pages of my life. They were all things from my senior years of school. Most of the stuff is just..stuff. But the things that really got to me were the drawings and writings I had from that time. Quite amazing. To me, at least. It’s a combination of pleasant shock and surprise when you remember things you used to say and think when you were at a certain stage in your life; things that you no longer keep at the top of your head. I chose a little something to add to the blog, that I had decided to keep to myself at the time I wrote it. The first part of it is a poem, the second is just a paragraph of prose; both under the title of “I am one of those who are! Why?”

I am one of those who are,
Who have to see thru a window,
Who cannot see without it too,
But have the insight gizmo.
Not many have it, but many do,
Know how to use it well.
The smallest window that ever was,
Was one that made us see,
And made our lives much better coz
Without it we wouldn’t be,
The ones we are, the ones we’ll be,
The ones who fought and fret,
To see the light
With their insight,
Is all they’ll ever need.
I am one of those who are,
With a window on my nose,
From the second I’m up,
Till I go to bed,
It sits.
From metal scrap and plastic,
It lives to be my guide,
Through the narrow paths, and the wide ones,
And the ups and downs of life.
I am one of those who are, but why?

I sit and wonder, why are some people like that, why are others not? It’s fair, coz Allah decided it to be so. I shouldn’t complain. I don’t. I only wonder, why is it so? Why am I one of those who are? Is it good for me? Is it bad? Some people are like that, some aren’t, I am one of those who are. It’s not the worst, it could have been worse, it could’ve been totally wrong. I could’ve been totally blind. Why do I complain? I wonder why I am, one of those who are. I don’t complain, I wonder. Is it permanent? Is there a cure? I want an answer. No catch, just an answer. If I could ask for one thing and it would come true, what would I ask for? My sight, no I guess not. I would choose Paradise. Eternal happiness. Then, there is no catch. Eternal happiness, good friends, good husband, good life. They’re all waiting for me in Paradise. Better manners. Patience. Patience. Patience.

I am one of them. Am I happy? Yes. I am very happy. More happy than others. Others are miserable. I am not. I am happy.

Will it go away? I want answers, no catch.

I am one of those who are. Why?


16 years old
04-04-03


It really wasn’t easy growing up as a kid with glasses. Not that I got teased at school or anything (Thank God for that!) but it can get quite annoying to always have something resting on your face. For one thing, you can’t watch tv sleeping on the couch! Well, the day I bought my first pair of contact lens, I came home and looked in the mirror. I told my mom “So that’s what I really look like” It was the first time I could see my face and my eyes just the way they are. It’s probably not very easy for you to imagine what the big deal is if you don’t wear specs. But for all my bespectacled friends out there, you’ll know what I mean. It really is different seeing yourself through glasses and just seeing your face the way it really looks.

Mind you, there are a few up-sides to having weak eyesight; for example, when I take off my glasses and bring something really close up to my face I could see the finest details that wouldn’t be so clear with glasses (because if you bring something really close to your face with glasses on or if you have perfect eyesight, you not only get cross-eyed, but your head hurts too). I know it probably seems like I’m trying to comfort myself by saying that there are good sides to this..well, maybe. So sue me! I’d rather think of all the stupid and incredible things to make myself feel better than to sit around all my life crying and drowning in self-pity like some do. I’m just accepting reality.

Anyhow, being – as I put it – One of Those Who Are, I still believe I’m blessed in more ways than many people around me. And After all, if my test of character isn’t in my faith then who cares! I’m only going to be around for a few decades. And besides, as I always say – it could’ve been worse.

So you’re probably wondering if I’m at so much peace with the issue, why did I decide to write about it? Well, truth be told I sensed from talking with many people that those who are “Not” don’t usually know what it’s really like to “Be” and they take their sight for granted. Oh, AND when they talk about the eye weaknesses they talk about it as if it’s merely a headache – yea right! That’ll make us feel better! Then again, I never like to generalize; I know people who are very sensible in that respect and put others’ feelings into their consideration while talking. May you have perfect eyesight forever for that compassionate gesture.

Have a good look…I mean day ::giggle::

It Hurts to Be A Big Girl =(

I've been giving a lot of thought to what "growing up" means; of course everyone's definition of a certain term will vary to some extent, but more or less, they all have to meet on some kind of common grounds. So to me it was like cinderella's shoes, I had one pair and I didn't know who's foot it will be the perfect fit for. However, I came up with some sort of an idea about what it means to be a grown-up.



Being a grown-up is being able to tell yourself "I don't REALLY need this new, unbelievably cool phone right now..I guess I could wait a few months" even if you're dying inside and everyone else has it.



Being a grown-up is taking the blame for forgetting to clean out the fish tank causing one of the fish to die, rather than pointing fingers at everyone and trying to weasel your way out of it.



Being a grown-up is having the courage to put yourself behind in favor of the group interest.



Being a grown-up is having the guts to say you're sorry when you've screwed up.



It's not always easy being a grown-up, and it's pretty shitty most of the time but knowing that you reached that level of maturity gives you an incredible sense of power and satisfaction. People could be 50 and 60 years old but have the maturity of a 10 year old. Others could be 20 and 30 and have the maturity of 70.



We all face painful things in our lives, we all cry - even if only in private, but the really mature know how to get their crying over with and start gaining the skills they need to deal with their problems. Because there will always be problems, they may be immediately close to you or far away, they may be yours or others', they may be related to the past, present, or the future. but one thing I know for sure is that they will always be there waiting to give you yet another test of character. It's really up to us whether we pass or not.

The Lady in The Bathroom

Hey folks, I feel like it's been a while since I heard from anyone..I just hope everything's good for everyone :) Always remember people, whatever it is, it can always be fixed ;)

So, A few days ago I was out shopping at Bhs and Mothercare and my mum and I needed to make a stop at the ladies room, so we ask around and finally manage to get there before any damage is done :P. Inside, we're greeted by this very sweet Bengali lady who looks after the washroom, from the looks of it she must be around 50. I'm washing my hands and waiting for my mum, when the lady asks me "is she your mum?"; I smile and say yes and ask her if she knew because I look like her, just making small talk really. Then she starts telling me how she's fasting today and that this is the last of the six days of Shawwal and this makes my heart smile. The point of this whole story is something that she says next; she tells me "Allah says that if you keep your heart clean and pure you will have Heaven waiting for you, but if your heart isn't pure no matter how many good deeds you do it won't be worth anything." At that moment I felt like it was only me and that woman in the world. It was as if time stopped and everything just paused and that woman was all that exists. It was amazing. This simple humble woman, who probably wants nothing more out of life than to feed her family and see her kids happy summed up the whole purpose of our existence in one beautifully plain sentence. That, my friends, is the truth. Whether we like it or not, at some point there will be an end to all this. Now wouldn't it be wonderful to end up on the right side of the tracks? And all for the affordable price of keeping your heart pure of any hatred, envy, bigotry, and all other diseases of the heart. It may seem like an awful lot of work and effort, but if you do it for the right reasons be sure that God will help you. And hey, we go through a lot of trouble for other things, isn't an eternity in heaven worth a little work?

Keep the love goin' people

Oh, and by the way, you look beautiful today ;)

YES

I just had an epiphany, a personal epiphany. I had always thought to myself, when I get married I HAVE to get married to an open-minded, easy-going guy. I’ve always had the problem of being the only one in my family who enjoys spur-of-the-moment activities, and loves making a decision to go out or do something without having previously planned for it. It was my dream to live my life like that, and to me it seemed like since my family aren’t like that, my only hope is in the guy I marry. Well, you're probably wondering why I can't be like that in my own life, not depend on someone. Seeing as we live in a society and all our actions inevitably affect the people we interact with,to some extent, it would be – at times – awfully selfish to just decide to go out or do something all of a sudden when the people you live with aren’t like that; especially when your life is interwoven with theirs.

Anyhow, as you may have noticed in my Bookworm section, I’m reading Danny Wallace’s Yes Man, and as much as I’ve been enjoying the book and writer’s style (to the extent that I sometimes wake up my mom with the sound of my laughing!), I’m finding it a little difficult to completely embrace the details to be learned by the events. However, I picked up the book just a few moments ago, I’m in bed all tucked in and happy and I start to read. I’m not really sure which line I stopped at so I go over a little bit of the page. I come across a paragraph I realize I've already read before, but didn’t give that much attention to, here’s a few sentences (the section in blue is what really inspired me, the rest of the text is just to keep it in context):

I had been genuinely inspired by my short time with Marc. He was someone brave
enough to just let things happen. To roll with the punches. To go where the wind
took him. And he’d changed my attitude, somewhat. I realized, slowly, that I’d been treating Yeses like they were against me. That they were challenges to be overcome. That they were things I could fail. In actual fact, they were just part of life. And if I treated
them like Marc did, they would become life.

It feels quite amazing to me really, because just two days ago I read this same paragraph and I was like those Looney Tunes cartoons where an airplane zips over their head and they stand there like the goofballs they are going "Huuh?" ! I, too, realized that I’ve been such an idiot. I’ve been waiting all my life for someone else to be open-minded so I could be like them. I needed somebody’s approval to say yes to opportunities. I know I said I’m the only one in the family who lives by spontaneity – Uh..Big Lie! Well, maybe in my head I do, that’s what I want to be so much. But most of the time I end up being too afraid of actually going through with the things that I decide to do, I chicken out. I get too scared that something will go wrong, or maybe that I’ll be disappointed. So it’s always been a kind of struggle with me, I want to be one way, but I’m too scared to go through with it and maybe the surrounding atmosphere hasn’t been all the best help in that arena. So anyway, I just realized, after reading that paragraph from the book, that in order to have a life of spontaneity, open-mindedness, and loads of opportunities, The one person that I really need to be like that is ME. Everyone knows you can’t fill up a closed bottle with water, and by saying no to every opportunity I’m just tightening the lid on my bottle. It’s like taking the antenna off your radio and then cursing it for not receiving any channels! So it was incredibly inspiring to me when I discovered that I can do something about it and not just wait for someone else to come and scoop me off the land of No-No. It’s quite simple really, if you spend just a week being more open to opportunities then they Will come your way. And of all the chances that get thrown at you, one is bound to be something you’ve been waiting for.

Life is Good. Live it right and it will help you.

Marriage..Yes, Again!

I’ve come to peaceful terms with some of the issues that have been on my mind lately. One being marriage; is it a 9 legged monster that should be avoided at all costs? Or is it, in fact, a rather splendid project that should be approached with an open mind and a lot of love..well, to make a long story short, I’ve come to believe that it is what you want it to be. People will tell you all sorts of horrible stories in attempts to what would seem like they’re trying to drive you away from it. On the other hand when you say you don’t want it anymore, they go absolutely berserk trying to convince you that you absolutely must get married!! Quite stupid I should say. Let’s just say, the people are confused!! Anyhow, I decided that although it is not an easy task, surfing smoothly through marriage is quite a simple one. Be smart. Be honest. Be yourself.

Alright then..toodles.

To Cook...Or Not To Cook

I have reached this point in my life where I must think what I want to do. I am free to become whatever my heart desires. Well, anything except maybe a dentist. It’s a long story. So I wake up every morning, with one question on my mind: who am I? the question may seem irrelevant to the issue at hand, but in order for me to know what I want to do, I should start by knowing who I am. The thing about my situation is, I do a lot of things. That’s a good thing. Or is it? I’ve been drinking tonnes of water lately, but that’s another story. If being a multi-talented person is a good thing, I’d say that’s because it gives me the space to do whatever I fancy. On the other hand, it is like you’re the joker in the deck, that blank domino that just goes wherever you want it. I cook, write, paint, design. I’m creative and I love doing adverts. I’m horrible with finances though. I suck at it. I’m most likely to turn a sum into a clever drawing or a recipe than tell you 2 x 2 = 4 (FIY I had to check with my calculator for that!) I’m starting to consider putting math skills as a requirement in my “ideal guy”, someone has to help the kids with homework!

Everytime I start thinking about what I’d love to do with my life, I end up not wanting to do anything at all. I start off with the usual write-down-my-skills-fiasco, and then all hell breaks loose. I want to be this, I want to do that. Suddenly I’m the world’s best designer, cook, restaurant owner, blah blah. It’s thought and time consuming. Not to mention that in the crazy twist of things, I realize it will take me ages before I actually Become any of these things. Maybe I should work freelance. I never really liked the idea of working steady (yes, that too is a long story) so I was kind of not thinking of getting involved in anything at the moment. However, the idea of working from home or working freelance may just be the thing for me.

This just in: Does spending your evenings on your living room couch with your laptop in your lap thinking of where your life is headed actually make you a grown-up? I’m going to be writing a lot about this whole grown-up business those days. It is, after all, the story of my life now. I hear that this is the time you should be starting to think of growing up.

Behold people, I shall soon become a…uh…Big Girl :)

Her Birthday

Today is my mom’s birthday, and for the first time ever I am not 100% prepared with the perfect gift and the perfect wrapping and presentation for it. I got a card and managed to come up with a gift but it just feels so…empty. I usually put a lot of thought into anything I’m bying for someone; it should be something they need, something that will put a smile on their face, something that will make them feel special, and most important, something that they feel is personal, that they know I’ve put my heart into, not just my wallet. Then there’s the presentation of the gift. I make it a deal to set up a display for my gifts. Especially those I give to my parents and brother, since we live at the same house, it’s easier to make a display. Another thing I HAVE to make sure I do – I have to wake up earlier than this person, set up the display wherever they are bound to bump into it the first thing in the morning. One time I put a table with my gift on it for mother’s day right outside the bathroom door! It was quite successful, you could say she literally Bumped into it!! It was fun too, greeting her with a hundred-watt smile at her bed, mentally pulling her out of bed to get up and see the presentation I’ve set up for her. I’m like a little kid again, all bubbly and excited.

My profound interest in putting effort and thought (and money!) into buying and giving a gift is probably a result of something my parents always did with me. They know that I’ve always LOVED surprises, I love them in all shapes and sizes. So whenever there was a special day for me (birthday, graduation, just-being-a-good-girl, whatever it was) they would make sure to put all their cards and gifts on my dresser before I woke up and they knew that the first thing I would do when I wake up is put my specs on and look at that blessed spot! One day, I woke up, it was my birthday, I looked…and my worst nightmare came true..There Was NOTHING! Can you believe it?! It was heartbreaking! And the worst thing is, I have to go out there and act normal! Well, to my pleasant surprise, I realised later on that they wanted to make a little change, and they waited until I got up, went into the bathroom, quickly put all the stuff in there as if it was always there, and continued with their lives as though nothing in the world has changed! Now THAT was a pleasant surprise. And to be honest, it kind of rekindled the element of novelty in the whole parade. I have to say, if there was one thing I learned from my mother, it was to put all your heart and mind into any gift you give to someone. Thanks mom, that is the best gift you could ever give me J

Be The Bigger Man

It makes me quite sad when I read those articles and emails that ask questions about the difference between the two genders in whatever aspect, only to find women lash out at men and vice versa. Generally, I’m not a gender-biased person. Everyone does good and bad. But it really makes me sad when you can’t find one piece of writing in which one gender says anything good about the other. Browsing through today’s paper (and I’m not implying that I actually Read the paper!), I came across a sort of study that asks the question “Which of the two partners is more concerned with the household finances?”. It wasn’t really any surprise to find that the women were calling the men tight and the men saying that all their wives do is squander his money on her petty luxuries.

Does anyone else find it strange that the two people (man & woman) whom God created to be each other’s comfort and safety are the two who have declared the biggest war yet over each other? Seriously, whatever happened to sympathy, empathy, and understanding? Whatever happened to unconditional love between people, to selfless giving and caring? Has everyone become so obsessed and blinded by their selfish love for themselves that they cannot see beyond their own desires and benefits? Does dignity and self-respect mean that people are too proud and arrogant to say “I’m sorry”, “Thank You”, or a truthful “I Love You”? Is that how we really want to live? By seeing that every bad thing or every obstacle is someone else’s fault? Our parents, siblings, peers, teachers, kids..it’s always someone else, isn’t it? Not one time does anyone have enough courage to be the man and say “you know what, never mind who’s fault it is, what matters is that we fix the damage” Is it all of a sudden that everyone just Has To Be Right all the time? I want one true human being to look themselves in the mirror and say out loud that they CAN take the blame when they should, or that they give an apology when it’s due. I won’t claim to be perfect, I’m too arrogant myself sometimes to admit I’m wrong. Sometimes I just won’t take it, especially in front of my parents. Don’t really know why I do that, but I do admit it. I hate it, and it’s one of the things on my list that I’m working on. God help me.

You know what guys? Sitting around mourning what we have come to isn’t really going to get us anywhere..i say we just do something about it, eh? I say we all promise ourselves right now, just to yourself, no one is hearing or judging. Just promise yourself that the next time you find yourself about to start blaming the world for your screw ups, that you’ll stop and do something about it. Stop and Fix The Damage. And the next time you find a normal conversation escalating into an argument, you will be the bigger man and say “our friendship is bigger than that” or “it doesn’t matter who’s fault it is, it’s not the end of the world”. Let us all start to Be The Bigger Man.

Pondering

I think. I am always thinking. It is both a gift and a curse. But I adapt to it.

I think of why I am the way I am, why certain circumstances and situations shaped me in one particular way rather than another. I sometimes find answers..but not as often as I would like.

I think of the world and what causes it to become the way it is. I get sad. But I live with it. When it comes to other people or the way other things affect me, I can understand. I can deal with it. But when it is something about me, a truth or fact that I just cannot fathom; I cannot rest until I figure it out.

I wonder about what will happen in the future and how it will shape my personality. I wonder whether my future will turn out the way I imagine it..or is it destined to be the complete opposite.

I dream about being a rich restaurant owner who uses her money to improve the world..or at least her neighbourhood. I dream about owning a chocolate factory and being the first and best Arab and Muslim chocolate manufacturer. I dream about being one of the people who change the World’s view of Islam, and do what should be done, be a true Muslim through my actions and manners, not by bombing up innocent people. I dream about being the best role model for the people I know. I dream about influencing everyone I know in one way or another..in a positive way of course. I dream about mastering 7 different languages and using them to fulfill my other goals. I dream about living in a beautiful two storey house with a huge garden and a great pool. I dream about having an honest and open relationship with my husband and kissing him goodbye everyday before he leaves to work. I dream about having 4 adorable children whom I will raise to become the best role model they can be. I left out my health in all my dreams. For some reason, I just thought it would be there. But how am I to know? I might have all of the above, but not have the health to enjoy it. No one has everything, not even if your intention is correct and your goal is pleasing God. It’s just not right. It would not be fair to some people if others could just have everything while they have nothing, or close to nothing. One thing I am grateful for, I am not the one to choose which to give up.

Prejudice

Prejudice: An unreasonable or unfair dislike or preferrence.

Or in other words judging a person or situation without truly knowing all its aspects. I don’t believe in first impressions, or second, or third for that matter. A true impression can only be taken when there’s interaction with that person many times, and he is seen in different situations.

But what if you need to know what someone is truly like, but you’re not close enough to see them through these conditions?

Hmm..there’s something for me to ponder about…

Never Bullshit a Bullshitter!

I’ve come to a couple of realizations about myself; a) that I overabuse the phrase “I’ve come to realize” in all it’s forms, and b) that the time of my life that I claimed not be asking or expecting very high standards of the people around me, like my family, it was really only me not bothering to ask my self higher standards. I was slacking, and I wanted to make it seem alright and accepted by saying that these Are my standards; that I’m not the kind of person to ask for much. Scary isn’t it? How you live one way for so long, and then one day, in only a breath of a moment, all of your excuses and explanations just come tumbling down. History. I believe that at the time I was making those excuses, I knew subconsciously that they were just excuses. I knew that I could do better, ask for better. Demand myself to reach my full potential. But it seemed so much easier to Not Go There. This area was like a dark cursed place that I avoided at all costs. It was Easier This Way.

I have this strategy, truth be told I’m not quite sure if it’s any good, but nevertheless I follow it. I reach a point where I say ok, I’ve been pushing myself so hard, I’ve been working a lot. Now I take time off. I give myself the time to relax. For some reason my ‘time off’ seems to always magically stretch! Now it’s a day, then it’s another day. A week. A month. Two months. A year. Believe me, it could stretch up to that sometimes. And the more it does the worse it gets. It becomes this endless cycle and it’s like Groundhog day all over again. Usually, I fight so hard when I’m in one of those cycles. I fight my parents, family, friends, nature, the world. I’m in complete and utter denial over the status I’ve reached. I keep telling myself that I haven’t been like that all that long. I’m just taking a break from blah blah. I need this, I’ve been pushing so hard. Two words: Bull Shit! I once heard this line in the Pink Panther movie, the very last one where Inspector Clousau disappears. This guy (whose name I forgot) tells the reporter who is investigating the disappearance: Never bullshit a bullshitter. Well, exactly, the dude got it just right. If you’re going to stand there with one pocket hanging out and your hair looking like you’ve been mopping the kitchen floor with it and tell me all the lame excuses that I use to give myself the comforting feeling that “I’m still ok” then you could do one of two things: a) keep living that way, or b) get off your behind and actually do something about it!

Ok, maybe that was a little hostile. But hey, you know I still love you, right? Well, I wouldn’t be doing that if I didn’t. Now smile for me, I can’t bear to see you sad. There you go, that’s a very beautiful smile.

When They Called Me FAT!

There are a million things on my mind that i could write about right now, but there's only one thing that i really feel like getting off my heart. Isn't it weird how when someone whom you know cares about you keeps repeating something about you that really hurts you? No wait, that's not the weird part, the weird part comes when you know that this person KNOWS that it hurts you when they say that. Weird, huh?

Well, just moments ago i heard someone (who shall remain nameless) in the next room saying that they're afraid that i'll get fat. Now, anyone knows you should NEVER say such a thing about a girl!! And even more when she isn't fat at all!!! When it comes to weight, other than those noodle-waist girls, most of us fluctuate. Thank God I fluctuate within invisible range!! I know i never was fat, i know i'm not fat, and i'm determined never to be fat. Nevertheless, when a guy said it to me straight on; he was like "you know, you shouldn't be eating that, you need to be losing weight", and i was thinking "where is that crane that had such a painfully looking hook?! Oh yea, over there..go play with it honey, it's a nice toy!!! I mean, REALLY! It took more than that to crush me tho..it took two more jer--uh--guys to really blow me out! And as i said, i know i'm not fat, but it kinda makes you wonder...is this really how the world sees me?! Oh what the hell, go hassle someone else!

Anyhow, when you've had a not-so-pleasant experience with something, and someone so close to you just keeps rubbing it in your face..it HURTS! You want to scream out I'VE HEARD ENOUGH CRAP ABOUT THIS I DON'T NEED IT FROM YOU! you expect the people closest to you to at least not put more gas to the fire. Jeez!

So i was about to storm into the room and scream my head off about how upset and hurt i am and how inconsiderate this is, when i just found myself sort of in a trance, with the sweet image in my head of ''what if i don't do it?'' what if i just give myself a few minutes to cool down, deal with this, don't be like a blob of potassium in a tub of water (one of my fav. experiments in IG Chemistry btw). It is ok. It is absolutely fine. And hey, if i'm so damn sure of body, what the heck does it matter what others say! HA! RIGHT IN YOUR FACE!!

It somehow gives you a sense of strength and power. You were able to hear something about yourself that completely set the fireworks off in your head, but you didn't just react like a lab monkey and went off on everyone. It so cool!

A Break

Dear Friends and Readers..

I will not be posting for a long time..I am going through some difficult times right now..and I won't be able to write down any thoughts.

Have a wonderful day..and may you hear some great news soon :)

All the best,
Lubna

Old Friends

I am better today..thank God these mood swings don't last long with me.

I met an old friend today in college..it was really cool talking and talking like that..I love having chats with mature people, especially if they're old friends..because the formalities phase is over..u know what they mean when they say something and u just be urself with them. In my opinion, that's one of the best things about knowing someone for a long time.

Sometimes you could be in a bad mood or just tired of life and studying and stuff, and then a friendly chat like that could lighten your heart.

Another thing that makes me feel good is the stage I have reached in this blog..it has become like an old friend too. I know that at anytime I could just sit down and write freely, no writer's block or anything. I'm not feeling shy like I do when I just met someone. It's more like the one person you call up when you really need to talk about anything and be sure that they won't misunderstand you or make fun of you.

I have nothing more to say ppl..

Realizations..

Today I realized that I reached my 50th post! That calls for a celebration :D

Yesterday I found out that when pharmacy students finish their practical exams their mood completely transforms from bummed out to elated! Laughing and throwing jokes all over! It's good to see people that happy :)

Throughout the last few months I truly came to believe that if you relax and don't make a fuss over something you want, it will come straight to to you, you will be able to enjoy it, and those who didn't want you to have it will be the ones who will bring it to you! This is a feeling of ecstasy..

I also realized that all my deadlines are aproaching me like a speed train..sunday, wednesday, wednesday, tuesday, thursday..and then BOOM! it's exam time..then...the Big Bang..my graduation presentation. Uh-Oh..Big time tummy butterflies! Now I just lost my appetite..that's bad :(

My Life

I have always said that I want to be a source of happiness and comfort to everyone around me. I just didn't really know how to do it or why. Sure I knew that I derive part of my happiness from seeing those around me happy, but that wasn't something solid to build a lifestyle on. So today, just a while ago actually, I was watching an episode for Omar Abd El Kafy and the title of this episode was "What is the path to happiness?" It intrigued me to watch it and so I did..and at the very end of the show, he said something about how God loves those who make people around them happy. I realized that I could take a neyya (intention) in doing what I want to do, and not only will it make me happy, I will be getting a reward from God, and I will be sure that He will guide me in the right direction in doing this.

Sometimes it would seem silly that I want to make this goal a huge part of my life..but then when I help someone, or put a smile on someone's face..or give a friend a hug when they're crying..I know that I'm on the right track. I know that it's all worth it :)

I'm trying to think of a title..but I'm too exhausted!

A lot of people are blaming me for saying that I find it difficult to trust people anymore..it's like everyone is strong, confident, trusting, and all that..99% of those who tell me to trust people probably can't trust anyone themselves! But anyhow..what I realized through my thinking is that it's not that I don't trust people with my secrets..because that I do..I say things to people that, if I don't trust ppl in that manner, wouldn't dream of telling them anything. The way in which I don't trust people, as I discovered, is that I just can't trust them with my feelings..I can't trust to be open and myself with them. I can't trust people to be something and act as something else..and I end up discovering a year or so later. I just can't take that anymore..I keep my guard up at all times..I mean, what's the point of getting hurt when I could just avoid it? To be truthful, I'm blessed that no one has hurt me by letting my secrets out..maybe because I'm always keen on keeping others' secrets so God is rewarding me that way..so I don't really feel the lack of trust in that manner..but rather in the way I've explained before.

Well..that's it, I just had to let that out now. I've aching all over (stress-pain, nothing to worry about), so I can't write anymore.

For Old Times' Sake!

Today I got in touch with an old old friend..We've known each other since we were in grade 2. I realized today that he's the oldest friend I have! I mean, because I've travelled back and forth changing schools, I've had to make new friends each time..he was the only one whom I came back feeling like I had never left! Well..sure when I went back to Kuwait for the last three years of school, we didn't talk at first..but that's because each one thought that the other had forgotten about them. But it turned out to be true that great friendships are lasting even if you don't live in the same country!! Anyway..so it was good to hear from him again..I was all nostalgic about the good ol' days, and it was good to know that a cherished friend is doing ok.

On another level...It's 12.39 am..I've got tonnes to do (yes, as usual!) and I...well..just don't want to do it!! Mini-dillemma (is that two 'L's or two 'm's?)

Looking back on life in high school made me realize how much I was in heaven to be oblivious to many things..it just helps you be all white and innocent..well..only difference is that now I know a bunch of stuff more..I'm still white and innocent..I'm scared of people, finding it difficult to trust them, and find myself just reading into everything they do or say..It's exhausting! I hate it.

But anyway..saying that just gave me a pang in my heart..i hate that feeling so i will stop talking about that.

k ppl...take care

Random Thoughts

Standing in total darkness..total silence, I peek out..it's not there. My friend is not there tonight. I wonder what could be wrong? I'm sure there's a good reason though.

I took in the whole scene again..the all too familiar tranquility and intense darkness. I loved every second of it. Looking out from my window, it feels like I live in one of those small cozy villages. Like those villages here in Egypt at the North Coast..where you would look out the window in the dark of the night and feel the beautiful weather and serenity embrace you. Like you are the child and the world is your loving tender mother. I know I talk about this scene outside my window a lot..but this wouldn't have been, if it did not stir different emotions in me each time. Sometimes they may even be emotions of sadness..but not tonight. Tonight I was at peace. Total peace. I could hardly feel the walls around me, or the window sill that is caging me in..I could feel like I was going to spread my wings and fly at any moment. One of the things I enjoy most about being with my brother..is that he is almost the opposite of what I am, yet we are like one mind in two bodies..of course not all the time! I mean, at situations where we're enjoying a quiet night just reading..or just sitting there enjoying the silence..we both just know what to do..what the other wouldn't like at that moment so we don't do it. It is such a blessing and a wonderful feeling to feel so synchronized with someone so close to you. It is a bond I hope will forever stay as close..but I'll make sure it doesn't ruin either our married lives..no intrusions allowed on either side.

Sometimes it is very scary when you know exactly what you want..but you can't describe it. You know that when you see it you will say "YES! That's it!", but when people ask you about it you're not really sure how to say it. Oh well..

So I'll go get some zzzz's now..I have a looong day ahead of me.

Cheers..

My Flower

Walking through the university gate, passing by the flowers and gardens along the way..watching people socialize even though they're half asleep..all the sounds, scents, faces..A scene that I've come to love so much. It's grown on me. It somehow makes me feel safe now, the familiarity of the whole atmosphere just warms me up even on the coldest mornings. There is a certain flower that I particularly love. It looks heavenly to me. A very delicate flower, semi-translucent petals, you can see it's "veins" if you know what I mean..there are so many colors of it..yellow, orange, red, but my favorite is the fuschia/magenta color. It has this deep intense color..it takes you in. Makes you want to reach out and embrace them. The garden isn't exactly at ground level, it is a little like on a hill and the highest point of that hill is the one next to the wall that separates the path we walk on from the garden. So anyway, I was walking this morning, and at one point I realized that I was walking under my favorite flower. I was tempted to reach out and touch it. I was just about to stretch my arm..it was, after all, just above my head. Then a thought occured to me. We don't always do what occurs to us, what we wish for..what we just "want to do". I remembered how when we were children our parents would always tell us "don't touch this" "don't do that" you know, normal parenting! And as a very curious kid I got that a lot..only by the time my mom actually saw me..it was too late!! Aah..good old days :)

I know this particuar situation is trivial..or seems trivial. I mean, I could dramaticize it if I want, like say, for example that certain flowers die (the petals turn brown and dry out) if you touch them..and that when I put my hand on it I will certainly be tempted to pick one (it wasn't just one, like a whole bouquet of them). I knew that picking one would certainly hurt it..because it wasn't going to last long with me. I like drying flowers, but this one is too delicate to dry..it would've shrivelled up.

Anyway, so that brought to my mind how when we start to grow up, we give ourselves certain restrictions, we don't just do whatever comes to our mind. There is, ofcourse, spontaneity; but that's a different story..that's the story of my life. Then there's foolishness, immaturity. Doing something just because you want to, without considering the consequences and reprecussions. I realized, at that very moment under the flower, that this self-control comes with the territory. It comes with growing up and maturing. Some people don't feel it..they just do it. Some people have to train themselves for a long time before they grasp the concept. And of course, there are those people that don't even think about it, and don't really care to. These are the people that we see speeding up in a puddle just to see the water splash..but there are people on the sidewalk, there are other cars on the road. There are people going to work, coming home after a long day, or on their way to big appointment/meeting. This kind of thing would sure as hell piss them off! I realize that you know you have grown up and matured when you find yourself stopping yourself from doing something you know is wrong or in some way painful to others.

It actually feels good to reach that realization.

My dear friends..stop and think before you do or say something that you can never take back, and may hurt someone, even if that someone is yourself. And don't convince yourself that you deserve something just because you want it. Personally I am a very curious person..and the number of things that I would love to try and do and say..they are endless. I'm sure if I let go of myself I wouldn't be a very pleasant person..let me just tell you this: I love experimenting with fire! So if no one else minded..I know my parents will!

New Post Series: Reasons I Am Happy.

That last post inspired me to create a series of posts with the title "Reasons I Am Happy", which will simply be a list of the things that I feel are making me happy at that particular moment. This will (a) help me continue being an optimistic cheerful person as I always have been, (b) spread joy and hope to my dear readers, (c) remind me of the small things in life that can be a reason for happiness, (d) remind me that not only big things make people happy, that small things CAN and DO bring happiness, (e) I can't find anything to write here but I seem to like the idea of listing stuff!! :P

So watch out world..Happy Lulu is coming back!! and with reinforcements!! :P

The series however do not have to be one after the other..i mean I'll post about other things in between..but for this series I will give them the title I mentioned above. So tune in every couple of days..we always offer the latest news of love, life, and happiness :)

Senzi: My New Addiction!

ATTENTION CHOCOLATE LOVERS: I just had my first Galaxy Senzi..I'm sure this chocolate came from heaven. It is the best that Galaxy has come up with yet. It outdid Lindt, Ritter Sport, and..well..no, not Guylian! This still ranks first place! I now know that the T.V. commercial they have for Senzi is NOT overdone..it is just right. This chocolate gives you tingles..it's like...well..all the things you love put together! It's not really comfort food..more like a taste of luxury..

Today I am happy for the following reasons:

1. Had my fav. latte at Cilantro's.
2. Had my fav. brownie and Cilantro's.
3. Hung out with my fav. cousin at my fav. mall.
4. I helped someone (my cousin's husband) out, which is something that always makes me happy.
5. Obviously, I just had an amazing bar of chocolate.
6. I went out without planning ahead..and I love spontaneity.
7. I bought a new book..a Sherlok Holmes novel.
8. I had a great laugh from my heart with my cousin (who happens to be the funniest person in the family--and she doesn't even try to be..she's just like that!)
9. I still have the rest of my brownie with me! That's always good news for whenever I'm hungry on the university bus and didn't have time to grab something. Hehe..
10. I was able to find 9 reasons to be happy in an absolutely ordinary day! Which assures me that I am still an optimistic person.
11. I had some slightly upsetting news this morning yet I managed to overcome them and not spend the day mourning.
12. I was talking to my college bestfriend on the fone (while I was at the mall) and she sounded particularly happy and cheerful --this made me so happy, actually maybe more than the other stuff, because I noticed she had been unlike herself lately...like for the past 6-7 months. and she always blames it on the weather or her lack of sleep..but I never believe her anyway!
13. I realized today that quite a number of ppl like to read my blog..and I'm loving that idea..and more contributions would be appreciated ppl!!
14. ok..too tired to be happy anymore!

So there are 13 reasons why I am happy tonight..I am a lucky lucky girl :) and I'm not lucky because I have those reasons to make me happy..I'm lucky because I realize those things as reasons to be happy. Or lets say..blessed..I'm blessed..I don't believe in luck or coincedence.

Goodnight now before I get to happy to sleep!!
Luv ya ppl..find your peace in this world.


PS. And no..I'm not in love or anything! I know I sound like I'm head over heels or something..walking around singing love songs to chairs and stuff..but no..I'm just relieved of huge burdens, things I have been worried about for so long and finally glad to have them go away. Thank God.

My Window

I was just standing at my sactuary..my bedroom window. Taking in the view I have been looking at for the past 4 years every day. Loving every second I am standing at that window. Why is my window my sanctuary? well..because this window has always represented new life and new hope to me. I always dreamt of standing on the sill and flying away..just hovering over this beautiful city at night. When everything else is quiet and asleep. I stood there with the refreshing chilly air blowing gently in my face, reminding me that there are still beautiful things out there in life. I stood there..I carefully inspected the scene. They're repainting the buildings in front of ours. They stand not too close..about a hundred meters away (then again..I was always bad with estimations!) well..they were far enough not to be able to see us without binoculars. They're looking beautiful with the new coat of paint. I love everything new and modern and clean. I was very happy standing there. Then I looked at the building closer to us..a school, that was never meant to be. An old school building that stood there forever. Never alive, never hopeful. I enjoyed the contrast the two provided. The old and the new. Or..the seemingly new in this case. Then I looked far off into the distance and I saw what had always completed my perfect scene. The tiny lights in the distance, and two cranes that have been working on some kind of construction that never seems to end! The three together looked to me like the old, the new, and the future. Nice. Seeing those cranes in action and the lights twinkling at me far from the distance has always been an intriguing sight for me..like a kitten that sees a box, one side open, dark inside, and is dying to go see what's inside the box..well..the cat died (they do say curiosity killed the cat didn't they?!!) and the box turned out to be empty (seriously..why would anyone give a kitten a box that was full to play with!! OF COURSE IT'S EMPTY! :P ) So anyway..I enjoy the sounds that I hear late at night. A few cars here and there..a dog barking, cat meowing, the sound of the security guards at the lonely, hollow school securing the gate lock. The sound of feet walking home, eager and unable to wait to rest after a long day of frustration and hard work. The "Goodnight" and "See you tomorrow" that come from the simple, hardworking people. The sound of the truck that pulls up every night at midnight to deliver meat to the butcher under my house. The sound of sweet life saying goodnight to me. Bidding me farewell to a new day, a new adventure, new hope, new love..nothing is ever the same when you open your eyes each day. Even the routine that you do each day..there is no way it is 100% identical each day.

I am tired..goodnight now..and see you in a new adventure...

A Post About Nothing

Sometimes, when certain things happen to you, you don't know whether you should be happy or sad..flattered, or agitated. You get a wild mixture of emotions in only a few seconds..and you think your brain has stopped functioning. Well..a good workout and a cold shower can always help with that, trust me on that! You realize that sometimes, we can believe that something is so right for us..and when you see what God has in store for you, it is as if a light bulb has gone off in your head. You see the other side of the story and you realize "wow". Am I making any sense? I hope so..

Ironically enough, my mom just came in and said the EXACT same thing to me, she doesn't know what I've been thinking about, and in fact she was talking to me about my brother and my dad. Amazing how God keeps sending you messages all the time..only those of us who want to see them will.

And when He does send us a message, don't read too much into it..God works in much simpler ways. Sometimes it is the surface meaning we should take, and sometimes we should look deeper..just follow your heart and if you keep it pure, know that it will guide you to the right thing.

I Feel Good

Today..I feel wonderful :D

Why do I feel wonderful? Well..because I faced a truth about myself, that I didn't know existed in me, and this made it easier for me to get rid of it. This changed my perspective on some things, and it made me feel so much lighter. I have hope, I have faith, and I have a chocolate cake in the kitchen! :P

I am a happy happy girl. I love it.

I know I'm not making any sense..but I don't care :D I am just happy :D

Baby's Day Out!

Today was an amazing adventure! Oh God where do I start! Well..I'll start by saying that I could not get any sleep last night..I was up till 4 am, which of course meant that I woke up at 12 noon. I hate that! I was supposed to go at 11 am to do the last of our crazy photography work! I love photography and all, but the places this dude sends us need a man, and we're all girls! Well..except for this one guy. A really decent guy. So, he wanted us to photograph a historical place in Egypt and a craft. The former is self-explanatory, and the second..well..all that means is that we had to go somewhere where they manufacture something like gold, brass ware, chairs, pottery..anything at all. I was terrified of what I was going to find there! And of course, I would not dream of going to a place like that all by myself! I took my mom (whom I've apologized to over a hundred times now!). It was a HOT day, I was wearing a Navy Blue veil, a white/navy blue striped shirt, and a denim skirt. I was STEAMING! Besides, I got a sunstroke, and boy do I get stroked! I came home so woozy from the sun I slept 2 hours. The trip, however, was very cool, the people were more than friendly. They didn't mind me taking photos at all. And hey, no harrassments! Woohoo! THAT is what made my day. Decent people.

So, we came home and all (I know I didn't put in any details..but I'm still out of balance from that sun stroke, later people, I promise :) maybe not as one chunk, but I'll integrate it into different posts), I had for lunch one of my favorite meals. Shrimps. I just love 'em. And..the best part wasn't the eating..it was the COOKING! Yes, I made them myself. WOOHOO! It was unbelievably easy. When I was a kid I used to have my mom remove all the heads from the shrimps, hehe..now I'm cooking them! WITH THE HEADS! Along with some of my special homemade pink mayo (and that does not just mean that I put some ketchup on the mayo I buy from the store, it means that I MAKE the mayo myself, and then add some ketchup that, yes, I did buy from the store!) I love homemade mayo, and unlike the widely known myth, it does not go bad quicker than store bought mayo. It lasts for a long time in the fridge and it tastes amazing :)

My friend, the star, I saw it again tonight..with two more stars! I've been seeing it on and off since I last wrote about it. But tonight it had some company! but you know what..they were so far away from each other..and the other two were smaller and flickering. Hmm..maybe they weren't friends..maybe they were bullying my friend..I'll have to look out for it, I can't have my friend upset and not do anything about it. Or maybe..it is a love triangle..the other two stars are fighting over that one star. I haven't decided whether my friend star is a he or a she, so the other two obviously have to be the opposite! Hey..anyway..I think I'd better stay away from personal affairs! It looks like my friend has been fooling around! :P

I've got to go now..I'm not making any sense to myself! And I'm still feeling woozy from the sun.

Take care my friends..

with all my love..

Cup of Comfort

I discovered that nothing soothes me more than a cup of warm milk, brought to life with a couple teaspoons of good quality honey. Just like the old days. Aaaah! The comforting warmth of the milk as it fills the emptiness of my mouth and my heart on long sleepless nights. The strong sweetness of the honey, so strong it almost feels as if the clock has stopped, yet so gentle and numbing that forces my eyes shut in ecstasy. It is a photograph that captures the stillness of the moment. The sip that drains all my worries and sorrows, the endless train of horrible thoughts that keep me up all night even though my head is screaming for my pillow. It cleanses my mind. Yea, it seems quirky having all this admiration for a cup of milk! But it was this cup of milk that gently rocked me to sleep during my childhood. No lullaby, no story, no stroking, and no bath could work its magic on me like this cup of milk with a hint of honey. Not sugar. Honey. Not juice. Milk. Warm --not too hot, not cold at all-- Just warm enough to stay warm until I reach the bottom of it. The bottom I never seemed to reach since I was always falling asleep halfway through the cup! Which makes me wonder..why didn't my mom just make me a half cup to begin with? Oh well, maybe she did! Everything seemed big and tall back then! : )

The comfort I get out of a mug of warm milk is like the comfort I get out of a friend's hug when I'm down, or the safety I feel when my dad or brother put their arm around my shoulder to protect me from any harm..or hold my hand as we cross the street even though I try to convince them that I am 20 and I've been crossing the death streets of Egypt for the past four years! It is the same comfort I feel when my mom tells me "I Love You" for no apparent reason. Most of all, it is the few moments that I can have that teleport me back to when I was a child. A little girl who always saw the best in people and helped everyone despite her parents' warning about talking to strangers. The little girl who smiled at anyone if their eyes met. The girl who feared nothing, knew nothing, and hated nothing. That little girl will always be inside me to stroke my heart and assure me that I was once what I now crave to become again. Fearless, soft, and never letting anyone step on her toes.

This, my friends, is my cup of comfort.

Goodnight now. I have had my milk.

Memories..& Diaries :)

I was looking through some old things, trying to find a piece of paper, and I came accross my old diaries and pieces of paper that I'd written thoughts on when I happy or sad. It was a remarkable experience..it was like my whole past was all gathered in a few pieces of paper. In just some words (about 2 notebooks long and a few scattered papers) was my whole childhood and teen life. I laughed out many times at the way I wrote and the things I said when I was about 12 years old. Gosh! Childhood was..well not so long ago that's for sure!

I also teared up some while reading a few of the things I wrote. All the memories of loved ones who have passed away..feeling left out in a crowd of people and not knowing what to do. High school crushes and how stupid and cute they were! It's amazing how you become aware of things now that you were so oblivious to in the past..it makes a world of difference in the way you see things and think about them.

I remembered so many things I had forgotten about myself, and discovered things that I never knew existed..except of course they must have if I wrote about them!

I was always so excited about buying new pens, I would be so anxious to rush home and try them out in my diary..even if i really didn't have anything to write!

It was all so cute, the expressions and catches we had at that age. It was also very real at the time! Everything was such a big deal and seemed like the end of the world if we didn't get this or didn't do that like our friends!

Reading those things also helped me recognize where some of the things I feel or think now come from. It's true that some of the things that happen to you as a child or a teenager stick with you your whole life. Yea..I know..unless you do something to get rid of them..that's another story!

Amongst the stuff I had written, I found a poem I had written..not quite long ago I think. It was something I just scribbled down:

I've asked myself so many times,

what true love is really like.

I've searched so long with hope to find

the core, the heart of this word "love",

I finally realized I've been making one mistake,

All that time, in search for love I've asked not my heart,
but my mind.

If love is, as they say, a pure sensation,

then my mind will never find the meaning I need,

I need to ask my heart for he's the owner

of such a blessing, of honest love.

I've asked my heart long after that, of what it knows of
love;

My heart so young stood blank not knowing much of
love,

I've begged it hard to imagine what the feeling is
like.

After time it felt so bad, for not helping me, for making me
cry.

So then, my heart, I told it, describe the amourous
soul,

Oh dear, it said, what can I say? It is a totally different
world;

To be in love is purity,

To be in love is white,

To give without expecting,

To love without reward,

To feel your beloved's pain, when you are worlds
apart,

To share the joy that's growing and lighting up his
heart.

To put your sorrow aside, to enjoy his honest
smile

And hide your joy and hug him when his heart is sad and
crying,

To love is to always know

You always have a friend, a brother, a parent, and a
child.

To love is to always know

That a hand will dry your tears even before they
fall

That a breeze will cool your heart on the hottest days of
sorrow

That someone will embrace you when they sense the slightest
fear.

To love is to always wish that your beloved is at his
best,

To know that loving something is letting go when you
should.

To be in love is to see the world a beautiful
place,

Because you know that you have someone, no matter what you
face.

At the end of a long tough day, you are home with your
love..in the still of the night.

Everything is quiet, so peaceful, so calm.

Everything is happy, that the lovers reunite.

The only noise around is the longing of the
hearts,

The souls that need each other, that need to feel so
close

This is love...and so much more..

True sensations cannot be described..they must be
felt.

Questions...

There are some questions that occur to me..strange things I wonder about..like..why do some veins appear blue and other purple? Or why do some veins stand out on your hands or legs? There must be a reason..I'm sure there is. Or take this, why do you sometimes feel like sneezing..and it just goes?! It's so frustrating, and I really want to know why. Which brings to my head another question..why are our heads one big cavity? it's like one big department store, and the different sections are open to each other..

It's endless..the number of questions that come to my mind..those questions I just can't seem to find an answer for.

I wish I do..one day..

A Star

Last night..I discovered a star. A star that I realized, only yesterday, that I have been seeing for a very long time. It's a lonely star, stands proud in the sky, alone, every night. It could be a satellite, I don't know, but I like to think it's a star. It's my new friend, I feel like I can reach out and touch it..I know it's a million miles away, but I feel close to it. It looks like a friendly star, and each night I wonder why it's the only one that's so bright..in fact, why it's the only one I can see. Then I wonder, why does it disappear after a while? It went to sleep, I tell myself. I will have to remember to say goodnight to my new friend every night before I go to sleep..or before it does :) I remember now, whenever I would feel lonely or sad, I would go sit outside in the balcony, or just open the window and stare into the void, I would melt in with the sky..the intense black sky. I would look at the moon, or this star, my friend. It's a very loyal friend, too. It would always be there when I needed it. Never let me down. I can always count on it.

I've always loved the sky, day or night..I always find myself looking at it. But for some reason, I always felt closer to the sky at night. When everything was black, and peaceful. I remember when I would be at the beach at night, everything would be so peaceful..just the sound of the waves kissing the shore, no noise, no kids fighting, nothing. I would stand as close as I could to the sea..just the sea, the moon..and me. I could stand there talking to the sea, my good old friend..the friend that never let my secrets out..the friend that never laughed at me, or criticized my thoughts. My trusted loyal friend. It was the sea that I could always rely on to take all my worries far far away..never bring them back..never give them away. The sea was always like the old wise friend I long for..and the star was the young friend I could share all the exciting stuff with. They were the friends that never left you, never betrayed you..never gave up on you.


They are my soulmates.

Mistakes...

We all make mistakes..we all do, really. Some are big mistakes..some small ones. It's the way life is, no one is mistake-proof. Normally, when we make a mistake start feeling guilty right after it; sometimes we dismiss the guilt..but sometimes it's too powerful to ignore. Again..that's the way life is. Logically, we should learn from our mistakes and not repeat them in the future. That doesn't always happen. In fact, that doesn't happen most of the time. We instinctively perform and repeat whatever action that gives us any form of pleasure, even if it's consequences are sour. The only actions that we do not repeat are those that do not give us any pleasure. For example, putting your hand in the oven while it's on 220 degrees Celcius, or sticking a pin in your finger wouldn't be something anyone would do over and over --except, of course, those who find pleasure in that..which is..well..freaky. But hey, to each his own!!

Basically, we're a species that learns by doing. We do something, we get hurt. Did it feel good? No. So we don't do it again. On the other hand, we might do something else, we get hurt. Did it feel good? Yes, it hurt but something else in that action gave me pleasure. I do it again. I know it will hurt, but it also gives me pleasure.

Now, wait a minute? Are you calling me stupid? What do you mean I'll do something again if I know it hurts? Even if it gives me pleasure, it still hurts..of course I won't do it. Hold it Hold it. CUT. I am NOT calling anyone stupid here. That is human nature. We seek anything that will give us pleasure, and we convince ourselves we can bear the pain, or the consequences.

So why would I do that? I could just do something that gives me pleasure and doesn't have painful consequences. Well, usually that thing that will bear unwanted consequences is wrong, and we know it is. Instinctively, doing the wrong thing is much MUCH easier to do than the right; so whenever we are depressed, in emotional pain, lonely, angry, jealous, frustrated..all that, we seek something to make us feel good. Of course, when you're in a mental state as such, you will look for the easy way out.

So the sequence of thoughts would be:

You're in a negative emotional/mental state --> you're not thinking straight, you want to feel better in any way--> Doing the right thing requires too much effort and hey, you could do it anytime!-->You give yourself an excuse to do the wrong thing because "you're angry, upset, hurt" or you "just want to do it"--> You start doing whatever it is that makes you feel better..all the while thinking "I know this will have consequences, but i don't care, I had to, I'm really tired, I've had it"--> you're done. You did what you were so desperate to do-->instantly, the satisfaction vanishes, the guilt appears.-->Uh Oh! This is the moment, your conscience is on its way, you're gonna get the whipping right now--> You're thinking of more excuses for doing something you knew was wrong, you run out of excuses..you start getting angry at yourself "why did I do this? Why did I let myself? I knew it was wrong, I shouldn't have done it. It wasn't that much fun anyway"-->But ofcourse, you don't admit that to anyone, you only say it to yourself-->Since you can't admit you feel guilty, you start getting short-tempered and angry, you take it out on whoever is around you and start saying "this is nobody's business, mind your own and keep your nose out of mine!"

Some of you will relate to this little story, others have it in another way..but it happens to all of us, one way or another. This doesn't make us bad, as I said, it is only human to make mistakes. BUT..it begins turning from 'human' to 'stupid' when you repeat it indefinitely. You know it hurts you, but you don't take any steps to stop it, you keep repeating it day after day, week after week, cigarette after cigarette, phone call after phone call, look after look..it all depends on what your mistake is..what is it that haunts you around and lurks on your every move..and ambushes you the moment you are weak. And the cycle starts again.


Does this mean we're doomed? Oh no, no way. God is far too generous and loving to leave us like that. First of all, we have the secret weapon of prayer. If we pray, we should know that He will never leave us, even if He responds a little later..there's always a reason for the delay. Second, in our times of strength, we should remind ourselves repeatedly of the pain we suffered from the consequences of our actions, so that in times of weakness it will be easier to remember what it will feel like IF we do this again. It helps, trust me.

Any feedback on this? I'd like to hear your thoughts, perhaps there might be something I could add to this. Thanks.

I've Got a Cold :(

Last night my head and throat were feeling a little funny, I knew it must be the beginning of a cold. I think my relationships with colds and flus (that's the plural for flu--it looks wierd with an 's' on the end!) is the longest relationship I've ever had! I haven't even known my school friends for that long! So I knew when my head started getting fuzzy, and my throat started itching..I was getting a visit from an old friend!! I'm just grateful it's not the flu, I can't bear fevers!!

So enough talking about this--except I'm not all upset about getting a cold coz it was the perfect excuse to stay at home today! I so didn't feel like going to college today :)

I kind of feel like I have writer's block; I've been trying to take photos recently but I just don't have that zing inside me that tells me what or how to take a photo..so I guess that's photographer's block! Usually when I see something I tell myself "this should be photographed" and I know exactly how to take the photo to make it come out looking good. Those days I just lost that..I guess it's the stress of work. The thing is, photography is one of the things that relax me so much, take me in another world..so feeling that I can't do it now is only adding to my frustration! Here I am, sitting at my desk, with my camera next to me, it's like an old friend is upset with you..man that feels bad :(

Ok I'll go do something now..

Dunno what tho..

I'm sure I'll figure something out..

Oh yea..I wanted to go to Virgin to buy a novel or something to read

ok then,

Toodles ;)

PS. I did that presentation, it went really well thank God, aaand..I managed to watch some of the movie. I am happy :)

Case:: Temporary Depression

ok, would it seem totally contradicting if I've just been talking about laughter yesterday, and today talk about how depressed I am? I don't know what happened, I guess I just suddenly feel so...flat. I'm not achieving anything from what I should be. GOSH! I don't even want to GO OUT. Now, that's what's really worrying me. Since when do i not want to go out?!

And to make matters worse, I just remembered I have to make a final draft of my mid-term essay for the graduation course AND make a powerpoint presentation on it. OUCH! How can i present something when I HARDLY UNDERSTAND IT! True, I wrote a paper about it, which is much harder than doing a presentation...but still, i wrote that paper WEEKS ago, and i was sticking pieces of information together to get the paper done..that doesn't mean I understand it!!!

In exactly 38 minutes, I will go watch Oprah..and the hell with that presentation. I think I'll watch You've Got Mail after that...it always puts a smile on my face :)

Adios..

Laughter...Really Is The Best Medicine

Hello my dear friends, today I've experienced what the expression "laughter is the best medicine" means. For some reason unknown to me, I found myself laughing my head off this afternoon..which entailed that I go tease my mom and deprive her of her nap!! I loved it! (well, not the nap deprivation part! but the laughter part!). I found myself making jokes about everything..and my mom was happy to see me like that (it's always nice to know someone likes to see you happy :) ) and was laughing like crazy for almost an hour straight. One of the best feelings is to laugh till it hurts! Did you ever try that? It's one of those things you don't experience everyday (and that's part of it's beauty, it's quite rare those days) so when it comes, it's always welcome. Earlier I had read an article about happiness, laughter and the whole package; it said that one of the best ways to aleviate depression is to laugh out loud, even if for no reason. Gosh! IT WORKS!!

Tip of the Day: Laugh. Laugh...and Oh yea..LAUGH!

Toodles..

:)

No Title!

I've discovered that when the going gets tough and I just can't take it anymore I've GOT TO TAKE A BREAK! I usually just keep pushing myself harder and harder till I break down. I wouldn't stop unless someone gives me a virtual slap and tell me to go take a little break. I realized that knowing when to stop work is a very difficult thing, at least for me it is!!

With that said, I'm going out with my mom to get a drink and walk around the mall :)

PS. I've got 3 major projects none of which I've started on. One is my grad paper..I have to start reading the novel, I keep telling myself..I just fall asleep everytime it's in my hands!!! C'est la vie d'une étudiante!!

Giving Back A Little

Oprah's show last night really got me thinking..In some previous posts I've wondered if there was still any good in the world. Sounded very pessimistic, I know. But it was always after a tough day that I'd said that..so I guess I could be forgiven! However, after I watched Oprah's show last night, I changed my perspective...

I will quote from the Oprah.com website to make sure I got the facts correct:

"John Wood was a man who achieved the American dream. A businessman at Microsoft since 1991, he was worth millions of dollars. He lived in the lap of luxury—he flew business class around the world, lived in a beautiful home and had a personal chauffeur. "There were times when I looked around and felt like I just hit the jackpot," he says.Then, John took a vacation that would change his life forever. "My first trip to Nepal in 1998 was taken just to escape from the constant 7/24, commando, business-warrior lifestyle," he says. "I trekked for 18 days through areas that had no paved roads, no cars, no telephones. People were living in poverty in conditions that I just found shocking."During his trip, John took an opportunity to visit a school, thinking he would see the "real Nepal." What he saw depressed him. Seventy five or 80 kids were crammed into a small room with dirt floors. "Most importantly, they had a library that had only about 20 books that were backpacker cast-offs, completely inappropriate for children," he says. "And I wondered, 'How can you ever break the cycle of poverty if the kids don't get educated?'"John vowed to return to the school within a year to bring books for a new library. "One of the teachers said to me, 'Many people have told us they will come back, but nobody ever does.'" After he left the school, John journeyed to Katmandu, Nepal, where he started e-mailing about 150 of his friends. "Here are all these villages that don't have libraries, that don't have books," he says. "And I thought, 'We can change that. But we have to act now.'"With the help of his father, John began gathering more books than he ever dreamed possible. "We thought we'd collect 300, 400 books. Three thousand books rolled in, in the first month," he says. Soon thereafter, John kept his promise. He and his father returned to Nepal, loaded eight donkeys with books and visited schools to stock their libraries.As John realized the scale of the problem, he began working on more book deliveries. And the reaction of the children in villages fueled his new mission. "These kids were just mobbing us. … As I take the books out of the backpack—it's like a mosh pit," he says. "It's like a literacy-palooza!"Once the children received their books, John says they began to learn about places they'd never seen. As one little girl looked at a book about outer space, John realized she didn't even know that man had ever walked on the moon. After his first book delivery, John returned to his day job at Microsoft…but he says something inside him had changed.At first, he tried to juggle his corporate responsibilities with his charitable cause. "I was doing my literacy project in kind of a half-baked manner, and I was doing Microsoft in kind of a half-baked manner…and I'm not really a half-baked kind of guy," he says. "I would be getting an e-mail from Bill Gates's assistant about Bill's visit to China, which I was supposedly in charge of. And I was, like, 'Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever, because I've got this mail over here from somebody who wants to give me 20 copies of a Dr. Seuss book for our libraries.'"Although John loved his job and all the perks that went with it, he was ready for a more meaningful existence. "I was feeling the pull," he says. "I thought, 'It's been a great eight years, but I'm making wealthy shareholders wealthier. Meanwhile, there are 800 million people in the developing world lacking basic literacy. … What kind of a man am I if I don't go face this challenge directly or devote my life to this?'"John made the difficult decision to quit his job so he could dedicate 100 percent of his energy to improving literacy in developing countries. "People said, 'You're crazy. You're having a midlife crisis,'" he says. "And I thought, 'Wouldn't it be a crisis to not follow my heart and not follow my passion?'" In just seven years, John transformed his side project into a successful nonprofit organization called Room to Read. Thanks to donations from publishing companies like Scholastic and the generosity of strangers, Room to Read has impacted the lives of more than a million children.So far, John and his team have distributed almost 3 million children's books, constructed 287 schools, established 3,600 libraries and funded more than 2,000 long-term scholarships for girls in third-world countries. But they didn't stop there!Room to Read has established local language publishing programs throughout the world so children can have access to culturally relevant books that are written in their native languages."We've had to literally find the Dr. Seuss of Nepal and the Dr. Seuss of Cambodia and give them a small amount of money to write and illustrate books that then are put in the hands of kids," he says. "By the end of this year, we'll have 250 original titles that we've produced that are all done by local authors." Since giving up millions to deliver books in rural Himalayan villages, John's life has changed dramatically. He says he's been left standing alone at a few dinner parties by people who were more interested in social status than global literacy."You give up a lot," he says. "But when [you] walk into a village … and [watch] the red ribbon get cut on a school, you think to yourself, 'This is not sacrifice. This is something that you can barely describe.' It makes you feel so good."John may be making less money than he ever has in his life, but he's also putting in more hours than he ever has before. "I feel lucky that I found this, but I also feel a certain sense of impatience because there are so many kids we haven't reached yet," he says. "Every week we get these heartbreaking letters in our office in San Francisco from people saying, 'When can you bring Room to Read to Cameroon? When can you bring Room to Read to the slums of Rio de Janeiro?' … We have to think about all the kids we haven't yet reached, and then just go back to work."Currently, there are more than 770 million illiterate adults in the world, two-thirds of whom are women and girls. John hopes to change this by building 20,000 new libraries by the year 2020."

Wouldn't it be wonderful if each one of us would take the time to do something for someone else? Imagine if each person helped just one person..wouldn't that bring love and faith into the world? Of course I'm not saying we should all open libraries and schools, and travel to poor countries..not all of us can do that..but just helping your neighbor, friend, parents, or even helping an old person or child cross the street would make the world a better place. You would be that person's hero.

Another woman that appeared in the show was also very inspiring; she clipped coupons from the paper..but not for herself...

"Last year, more than $300 billion worth of coupons were given out. Shockingly, less than 1 percent of them were used. You may look at coupons in a new light after meeting Barbara Franklin.In 2000, Barbara began using coupons to buy cartloads of groceries for impoverished members of her community. Savvy shopping allowed her to get hundreds of dollars worth of groceries for less than most people pay for a single meal at a fast-food chain. "[Once] my bill was $187, but when I finished [using coupons], I paid $3.02," she says.Barbara began passing out food from the trunk of her car, but when the demand outgrew her small Kia, her church allowed her to set up in the basement. Church members also agreed to help her categorize the food, clip coupons and stock up on more groceries. "We would go into the stores every Sunday, and we would wipe out the shelves," Barbara says.They started out helping 10 families, which grew to 100 and then 1,000. Now, Barbara runs a food pantry that feeds 1,500 families a month! When Barbara first started passing out food on the streets, she says she realized that it was a doorway into people's lives. Through these interactions, she realized her community needed more than a food pantry…they needed a community center.Barbara's church donated a nearby building for her community center, and she is working to raise funds to rehabilitate it. She also continues to run a food bank, an after-care center for children, a Section 8 program and a senior drop-off food program. "You could really see what the issues were in our community," she says. "I believed that the community center would be a lighthouse, so that I could see into the lives [of others]."


It's amazing, how someone could just devote their time and life to helping others..and it's so rewarding when you see the joy on peoples' faces, and seeing the results of your work. It's ecstatic.

I don't think I could say much more after these stories..except..It is so wonderful to give back.

(Note: The origin of the materials used in this post can be found at: www.oprah.com)