Pondering

I think. I am always thinking. It is both a gift and a curse. But I adapt to it.

I think of why I am the way I am, why certain circumstances and situations shaped me in one particular way rather than another. I sometimes find answers..but not as often as I would like.

I think of the world and what causes it to become the way it is. I get sad. But I live with it. When it comes to other people or the way other things affect me, I can understand. I can deal with it. But when it is something about me, a truth or fact that I just cannot fathom; I cannot rest until I figure it out.

I wonder about what will happen in the future and how it will shape my personality. I wonder whether my future will turn out the way I imagine it..or is it destined to be the complete opposite.

I dream about being a rich restaurant owner who uses her money to improve the world..or at least her neighbourhood. I dream about owning a chocolate factory and being the first and best Arab and Muslim chocolate manufacturer. I dream about being one of the people who change the World’s view of Islam, and do what should be done, be a true Muslim through my actions and manners, not by bombing up innocent people. I dream about being the best role model for the people I know. I dream about influencing everyone I know in one way or another..in a positive way of course. I dream about mastering 7 different languages and using them to fulfill my other goals. I dream about living in a beautiful two storey house with a huge garden and a great pool. I dream about having an honest and open relationship with my husband and kissing him goodbye everyday before he leaves to work. I dream about having 4 adorable children whom I will raise to become the best role model they can be. I left out my health in all my dreams. For some reason, I just thought it would be there. But how am I to know? I might have all of the above, but not have the health to enjoy it. No one has everything, not even if your intention is correct and your goal is pleasing God. It’s just not right. It would not be fair to some people if others could just have everything while they have nothing, or close to nothing. One thing I am grateful for, I am not the one to choose which to give up.

Prejudice

Prejudice: An unreasonable or unfair dislike or preferrence.

Or in other words judging a person or situation without truly knowing all its aspects. I don’t believe in first impressions, or second, or third for that matter. A true impression can only be taken when there’s interaction with that person many times, and he is seen in different situations.

But what if you need to know what someone is truly like, but you’re not close enough to see them through these conditions?

Hmm..there’s something for me to ponder about…

Never Bullshit a Bullshitter!

I’ve come to a couple of realizations about myself; a) that I overabuse the phrase “I’ve come to realize” in all it’s forms, and b) that the time of my life that I claimed not be asking or expecting very high standards of the people around me, like my family, it was really only me not bothering to ask my self higher standards. I was slacking, and I wanted to make it seem alright and accepted by saying that these Are my standards; that I’m not the kind of person to ask for much. Scary isn’t it? How you live one way for so long, and then one day, in only a breath of a moment, all of your excuses and explanations just come tumbling down. History. I believe that at the time I was making those excuses, I knew subconsciously that they were just excuses. I knew that I could do better, ask for better. Demand myself to reach my full potential. But it seemed so much easier to Not Go There. This area was like a dark cursed place that I avoided at all costs. It was Easier This Way.

I have this strategy, truth be told I’m not quite sure if it’s any good, but nevertheless I follow it. I reach a point where I say ok, I’ve been pushing myself so hard, I’ve been working a lot. Now I take time off. I give myself the time to relax. For some reason my ‘time off’ seems to always magically stretch! Now it’s a day, then it’s another day. A week. A month. Two months. A year. Believe me, it could stretch up to that sometimes. And the more it does the worse it gets. It becomes this endless cycle and it’s like Groundhog day all over again. Usually, I fight so hard when I’m in one of those cycles. I fight my parents, family, friends, nature, the world. I’m in complete and utter denial over the status I’ve reached. I keep telling myself that I haven’t been like that all that long. I’m just taking a break from blah blah. I need this, I’ve been pushing so hard. Two words: Bull Shit! I once heard this line in the Pink Panther movie, the very last one where Inspector Clousau disappears. This guy (whose name I forgot) tells the reporter who is investigating the disappearance: Never bullshit a bullshitter. Well, exactly, the dude got it just right. If you’re going to stand there with one pocket hanging out and your hair looking like you’ve been mopping the kitchen floor with it and tell me all the lame excuses that I use to give myself the comforting feeling that “I’m still ok” then you could do one of two things: a) keep living that way, or b) get off your behind and actually do something about it!

Ok, maybe that was a little hostile. But hey, you know I still love you, right? Well, I wouldn’t be doing that if I didn’t. Now smile for me, I can’t bear to see you sad. There you go, that’s a very beautiful smile.

When They Called Me FAT!

There are a million things on my mind that i could write about right now, but there's only one thing that i really feel like getting off my heart. Isn't it weird how when someone whom you know cares about you keeps repeating something about you that really hurts you? No wait, that's not the weird part, the weird part comes when you know that this person KNOWS that it hurts you when they say that. Weird, huh?

Well, just moments ago i heard someone (who shall remain nameless) in the next room saying that they're afraid that i'll get fat. Now, anyone knows you should NEVER say such a thing about a girl!! And even more when she isn't fat at all!!! When it comes to weight, other than those noodle-waist girls, most of us fluctuate. Thank God I fluctuate within invisible range!! I know i never was fat, i know i'm not fat, and i'm determined never to be fat. Nevertheless, when a guy said it to me straight on; he was like "you know, you shouldn't be eating that, you need to be losing weight", and i was thinking "where is that crane that had such a painfully looking hook?! Oh yea, over there..go play with it honey, it's a nice toy!!! I mean, REALLY! It took more than that to crush me tho..it took two more jer--uh--guys to really blow me out! And as i said, i know i'm not fat, but it kinda makes you wonder...is this really how the world sees me?! Oh what the hell, go hassle someone else!

Anyhow, when you've had a not-so-pleasant experience with something, and someone so close to you just keeps rubbing it in your face..it HURTS! You want to scream out I'VE HEARD ENOUGH CRAP ABOUT THIS I DON'T NEED IT FROM YOU! you expect the people closest to you to at least not put more gas to the fire. Jeez!

So i was about to storm into the room and scream my head off about how upset and hurt i am and how inconsiderate this is, when i just found myself sort of in a trance, with the sweet image in my head of ''what if i don't do it?'' what if i just give myself a few minutes to cool down, deal with this, don't be like a blob of potassium in a tub of water (one of my fav. experiments in IG Chemistry btw). It is ok. It is absolutely fine. And hey, if i'm so damn sure of body, what the heck does it matter what others say! HA! RIGHT IN YOUR FACE!!

It somehow gives you a sense of strength and power. You were able to hear something about yourself that completely set the fireworks off in your head, but you didn't just react like a lab monkey and went off on everyone. It so cool!