Childhood Memories

Yikes, I realize it's been quite a while since i posted anything. But believe you me, it's for your own good. If I had brought myself to writing anything in this past month, it would've made you so blue you'd jump out of the window before even getting to the first paragraph! I'm sorry folks, I haven't quite been myself lately, this is a very VERY critical time in my life so I needed lots of alone time, plus some unfortunate events have been happening at the moment so I wasn't at my best.

Anyhu, one of the best days I can remember about my childhood were those that we spent at my late uncle's villa..well, I say villa because I can't really find any other description. It wasn't a country house, it wasn't a summer house, it was a two-storey house with a vegetable garden, a fruit garden, and a front yard..nothing lavish, but God was it cozy. It was my ideal vacation to be there, because my uncle, God rest his soul, wasn't the kind of guy who could spend any vacation with only a few people around him..he had to have the WHOLE family! And the family of the family, and friends of the family! And believe me when i say that we are a B-I-G family so although it wasn't Taj Mahal, it was enough for us all to eat, sleep, run around, play racket, he even had a couple swings and a slide there. Everyone seemed to find something to do there, football, volley ball, speedball, basketball. Basically, all kinds of ball games! The only thing that would have made it heaven is if there was a swimming pool. Oh yes. And mind you, he did speak of it, but the poor guy got ill and passed away before he could do anything about it. Unfortunately, it's sold now, for a few years after he died we stopped going there. It was just too difficult to be there without him sitting at the barbecue or walking in the garden, or doing one of those things that made him who he is. He was the only man I knew who was willing to do anything to be there for everyone, even people he didn't know sometimes. He once travelled from town to town, about a 2 hour drive back and forth just to get me his daughter's (my cousin's) bike because he felt that i was bored and had nothing to do. Who does that? I realize it's probably not the most exciting thing for you to be reading about a dead guy who loved everybody, but I felt that someone this magnificent had to be memorialized in some way. And you don't get many people who are this devoted to helping people out, and personally I've been hugely influenced by this man, and sometimes we don't realize how satisfying it is to help someone out when they really need it until it's been done with us, or until we do it for someone and you see the smile and happiness in their faces. Anyway, I just feel so blessed to have known and had someone this magnificent in my life. I'm so glad he married my aunt, I really don't know how the family would've turned out if these two were'nt meant for each other!

So I just wanted to share that with you guys, I don't know what reminded me now, he's passed away about 5 years ago now. I'm just glad to know he'll always be in my heart :)

On another note, I miss being here, at the blog I mean, I miss writing to you guys. Lately I've been keeping everything I write to myself and it's made me feel lonelier and lonelier.

That's all I've got in me for now..so until I see you next time..remember, a smile is only two cheeks up ;)

On the Road from the Vatican to Al Azhar

على الطريق المؤدي من الفاتيكان الى الأزهر

إعداد ماري فيتزجيرالد
صحفية إيرلندية

صورة لإدريس توفيق القس البريطاني سابقاً والداعية إلى الله حاليا
ترجمة أ.د. منى أبو كريشة
أستاذة الأمراض العصبية في كلية الطب جامعة القاهرة
ادريس توفيق، هو كاهن كاثوليكي بريطاني أعتنق الإسلام مؤخراً،. هذه المقاله هي ترجمة للقاء معه على مجلة أيريش تايمز.
ماري فيتزجيرالد أجرت لقاء مطولاً معه وتحدث فيها عن رحلته نحو الهداية واعتناق الإسلام ونحب أن ننقله لكم كما هو للفائدة.
انها القصة التي تجذب الناس لحضور محاضراته في منزله الكائن اليوم في القاهرة وتجذبهم لقراءة عموده في صحيفة محلية باللغة الانجليزيه. وهي تضمن له مشاركة العشرات في المناقشات على الانترنت في المواقع الاسلامية.
الكل يريد ان يعرف عن الرجل البريطاني الذي تحول من كاهن كاثوليكي إلى مسلم ورع، او بعبارة أخرى "من الفاتيكان الى الازهر".
ادريس، هو رجل متواضع يبلغ الاربعين وعدة سنوات، ويفهم لماذا قصته تثير استغراب ملايين ولكن بالنسبة إليه الأمر كان منطقيا جدا ليصبح مسلما.
يقول. أرى حياتي تسير في خط مستقيم، مما يؤدي شيئا فشيئا الى حيث انا اليوم."
ادريس درس الكهنوت في روما. شكوكه حول مهنته أدت به في نهاية المطاف الى مغادرة الكهنوت، مما أدى إلى فترة من عدم اليقين بشأن ما هو الاتجاه الذي سيأخذه في حياته.
وقال انه قرر ان يحصل على إستراحة لبعض الوقت، فحجز رحلة إلى مدينة الغردقة المصرية المطلة على ساحل البحر الاحمر. وعندما شعر بالملل من الشاطئ، اتجه إلى القاهرة وتعرض لصدمة ثقافية مختلفة تماما عن ما كان يتوقع.
لأول مرة في حياته اجتمع وتحدث إلى المسلمين، وراقب عن كثب الطقوس. والاستماع الى الدعوة الى الصلاة والشعب يتوقف عن العمل للصلاة نحو مكة مما ترك انطباعا عميقاً لديه.
يقول عن نفسه:" إن أسبوع الإجازة أثر فيّ أكثر من أي شيء آخر وبدأ يزرع بذور الإسلام في قلبي. كانت هذه هي المرة الأولى كنت قد تحدثت فيها مع المسلمين. رأيت انهم ليسوا متعصبين يقرعون طبول الحرب، كانوا فقط ناس عاديين. اكثر من ذلك، انهم شعب لطيف جداً ويملؤهم الايمان"
إدريس عاد الى بريطانيا حيث عمل استاذاً للدين في احدى المدارس الثانويه. وبعد احداث الحادي عشر من ايلول / سبتمبر دفعته هذه الأحداث إلى معرفة المزيد عن الاسلام.
كما أتيحت له فرصة الاجتماع مع يوسف اسلام، سابقا كات ستيفن، في مسجد لندن المركزي، وكان لقاء محوريا.
يقول:"قلت له ماذا تفعل لتصبح مسلما؟ '، فاجاب انه ينبغي للمسلم ان يعتقد في إله واحد، ويصلي خمس مرات في اليوم ويصوم خلال شهر رمضان. قاطعته قائلا انني كنت أؤمن فعلا بهذا وبل قد صمت مع طلابي المسلمين خلال شهر رمضان.
"حتى سال :' ماذا تنتظر؟ ' قلت له لم اكن انوي التحول.
"في تلك اللحظة أذن المؤذن للصلاة وكان الجميع على استعداد لها وقفت خلف خطوط الصلاة. فجلست أبكي وأبكي، ثم قلت لنفسي،' من تحاول ان تخدع؟ "
عملية التحول إلى الاسلام هو أمر بسيط.، من شأنه - ان يقول المسلم الشهاده أمام الشهود يعترف بوجود اله واحد، هو الله، مع الاقرار بنبوة محمد صلى الله عليه وسلم.
"كثير من المسلمين الجدد يستخدمون كلمة' العودة 'بدلا من تحويل، وذلك لان الاسلام، هو ببساطة' العودة ' إلى الطبيعة الحقيقية للبشرية.
ادريس تحول رسميا إلى الإسلام في مسجد الأزهر، و اتخذ اسم ادريس توفيق -- ادريس، اسم النبي، وتوفيق، وهو في اللغةالعربية تعني حسن الحظ.
"الناس والاحداث دفعتني الى الاسلام"، يقول. "ما جعلني أغادر الكنيسة لم يكن لي اي مشكلة معها.
"اننا نقدس الماضي في الكنيسة، لقد استمتعت بما فعلت، وأنا أحب جميع اولئك الذين تعاونت معهم،. انا فقط لم اكن سعيدا من داخلي."
وعندما سئل عما يراه في الاسلام وتفتقر اليه الكاثوليكيه.
"هذا سؤال مشحون جدا،" يقول، بجدية.
اكبر فرق، اذن؟
"اود ان اقول ان الاسلام يجعل الله محور كل شيء،" يجيب بصورة توضيحية. "انها ليست حول ما فعله يسوع لي انها ليست تقديم صلوات من أجلي. كل شيء يدور حول الله.
"الشيء الآخر هو ان الاسلام يشمل كل جانب من جوانب الحياة. انها ليست الذهاب الى الكنيسة - يوم الاحد -،
"الاسلام يخبرك كيف تحيي الناس، وكيف تأكل الطعام الخاص بك، وكيف ادخل الى غرفة -- كيف نفعل كل شيء في الحياة. بينما المسلمون ليسوا قديسين، والاسلام يشجع المسلمين على التفكير في الله في كل وقت. الاسلام، في جوهره ينسب كل شيء الى الله. بالنسبة للمسلمين، الاسلام هو كل شىء."
وهل التجربه أثارت لديك شكوك في كونك تحولت؟
"لا، لا شيء على الاطلاق،" يجيب. "ورغم ان احد الحواجز لأصبح مسلما كان قصة ابراهيم. يقول الكتاب المقدس ان ابراهيم ضحى بابنه اسحاق، والقرآن يقول انه اسماعيل.
"ربما يبدو غريبا، لكنني تصارعت مع هذا لفترة طويلة. فكرت في ان واحدا منهما يجب ان يكون على خطأ، ولكن في نهاية المطاف، تقبلت ما يقول الاسلام.
"ليس لدي مشكلة مع' انه لا اله الا الله '-- انا كنت دائما أعتقد هذا. ومحمد هو رسوله؟ تعلمت هذا و فهمت جوهره".

"عندما تركت الكنيسة، وتركتها ورائي،" يقول. "انا لا اريد افساد اى شيء يعتقده الناس. إذا كان الناس تسالني عن تحولي سأقول لهم ولكني أترك الامر عند هذا الحد."
وهناك القليل من البيانات المتاحة عن عدد المتحولين الى الاسلام. في الولايات المتحدة 100،000 يتحولون كل سنة. وجد ان مقابل كل رجل يتحول إلى الإسلام، اربع نساء، يحذون حذوه.
اكدت دراسة صدرت حديثا عن يحيى (الذي كان يعرف سابقا جوناثان)، المدير العام السابق لهيئة الاذاعة البريطانية، الى ان هناك الآن 14200 من المتحولين البيض في بريطانيا.
"اعتقد ان الناس الذين يعتنقون الاسلام نرى انهم يتسمون بهدوء وبساطه لم تظهر من قبل،" يقول ادريس. "لا أرى أنه دين جامد، انه مولد للطاقة. الاسلام هو جميل حلو ولطيف.
"وكل القيم التي كانت قائمة في بريطانيا وايرلندا قبل 30 او 40 عاما خلت – مثل احترام والديك، وكبار السن والحكماء – هي ما زالت موجودة في جميع العالم الاسلامي ".
وقد قام بنشر كتاب لغير المسلمين، وشرح تعاليم الاسلام. الاسلام والغرب ينظر كل منهما للآخر بعيون شك وليس هناك حاجة لذلك. ونحن جميعا أناس عاديين مع اختلاف توجهاتنا، "يقول:" غالبية البريد الالكتروني الذي يأتيني من مسلمين وطلاب جامعات شباب ومهتمين اخبروني انهم يحبذون أسلوبي في تقديم ما أعتقده، أقول لهم ولو اننا نصبح قدوات جيدة للمسلمين، الناس في الغرب سيجلسون ويلاحظون. وهذا من شأنه ان يثير اعجابهم. ينبغي لنا كمسلمين أن نحاول اعطاء مثال ممتاز. "
ان احد الامور التي تغيظني كثيرا: هو الكلام عن الصدام بين الحضارات. "لا يوجد صراع الحضارات على الاطلاق، وهذا هراء، لأن الاسلام هو الوطن في اي حضارة،. إذا كنت مسلما في بريطانيا، كنت بريطانيا.
"هذا النقاش في بريطانيا حول ولاء المسلمين، وسواء كان من الممكن ان المسلمين مخلصون لبريطانيا هو مجرد سخف. اعتقد انه في نواح كثيرة مشكلة عنصرية. إذا ذهبت الى لندن، لم يكن احد يسألني عن ولائي لبريطانيا بسبب لون جلدي. السبب إذاً ليس لانهم مسلمون، فالسبب هو انهم الجيل الثاني من الباكستانيين، او البنغاليين او العرب. انه ليس له اي علاقة مع الاسلام. "
يقول. "هناك طرق لتقديم التعاليم الاسلامية في شكل سهل على الناس ومقبول، "
" إسلامي، وإسلام كل مسلم اعرفه في مصر وبريطانيا، هو أن تحاول أن تكون شخصا جيدا كل يوم.
"ولن اخوض للدفاع عن الاسلام لأنه أكثر بكثير مما تفخر به.

للتواصل مع الأستاذ إدريس توفيق
على العنوان التالي:
مصر ـ الجيزة ـ 9 شارع حسين أحمد رشيد
P.O.Box 279, Postal Code 12311
admin@idristawfiq.com
كما يمكن زيارة موقعه
http://www.idristawfiq.com/
المصدر:
تقارير عن "وجوه الاسلام" أيريش تايمز الايرلنديه
http://www.ireland.com/newspaper/world/2006/0811/1154691576730.html

21...Here I Come :)

I was fascinated a few days ago to realize that so much has developed in my personality, i mean, now i actually HAVE a personality! I have finally reached that stage in my life; where when you think of Lubna you think of a certain set of beliefs, a way of thinking, dressing, eating, laughing, appearing, talking. I have an amazing sense of satisfaction and relief in my heart. This is what I have been looking for all those years, this has been the horrible sense of loss and invisibility I have been living in. I used to crave belonging so badly, it was the most important thing to me. I thought I would find it in love, but that didn't turn out too well. I thought it would be with friends, but then I realized that that's not the way to find yourself either. I never really considered joining a cult or anything that extreme; but I did have a breakthrough - I figured I have to learn to belong to myself first and THEN I could get more belonging "energy" from love, friendship, family, religion, school, country..i could go on for paragraphs. The basis is to learn to have this sense of belonging to yourself first; and you get that by knowing who you are. You know what you allow and don't allow yourself to do, you know how you would like people to see you in the way you dress, talk, eat, laugh, converse, argue, etc etc. Initially, we were all born the same more or less; the first few years of our life we are formed by our parents, do this don't do this, that kind of thing. Then we grow up a little, we start to rebel, we want to do things our way, discover the world on our own, make our own mistakes; then a few years later we find ourselves lost and meaningless, we try to imitate everything and everyone around us. First we imitate our friends, then maybe a celebrity, some of us even imitate their parents - it all depends on who has the most influence on your life. To create a better picture here, I would say it is like going to a shop trying to buy clothes on your own for the time ever, you have no guidance as to what color, size, or shape would fit you. You walk into the shop, alone and somewhat scared, you feel like the shop is larger than it used to be, you keep walking until you bump into the first rack - pants - you pick out a few that you think would look good and you head to the fitting room to try them on..some seemingly fit and others don't, you're confused and unsure why they don't, maybe you need a bigger size or a different cut. Deep inside, you would wish that whoever used to pick out your clothes would magically appear in the room and make that decision for you, whereas if someone does come up to you and try to help you get all defensive and feel threatened that they're trying to take away your freedom. Wierd, huh? So anyway, the years pass by you've bought so many pants and shirts that don't fit, you've had help with some - probably those who do fit - and others you've had to decide to buy on your own - probably those who don't! However, after a huge collection of mismatching pants and shirts you now have the skills you need to buy clothes on your own, and although you still make a mistake every once in a while and buy those army pants that look horrible on you, or those pair of sunglasses that make you look like a fly, the number of mistake you make has been noticeably minimized. One day, you wake up and live your day as usual not aware that a critical change has occured inside you until you meet someone who may ask you something, anything, and through your answer you find yourself amazed at the way you are presenting your thoughts and ideas, and forming opinions about something in a way you never did before. You then spend some time alone, reflecting on the past few months and how you have been acting and reacting, on what your criteria have been when you came to make a decision, and how thoughts, ideas, and opinions that form in your mind differ from those that formed in your head over the course of your life. That, my friends, is when you know you have grown up..or at least began to.


Oh, and wouldn't it make sense for me to start growing up now that I'm four days away from my 21st birthday? Yessir, that's right :D

Red Bell Pepper, Red Bell Pepper..Can You Say it 5 Times in a Row?

Hello folks, I've added some photos I've taken a few days ago, hope you enjoy them :)

Patch Adams

I just watched Robin Williams' “Patch Adams”, and the movie has struck me in more ways than I can describe. It shook me and woke me up, it reminded me of what I wanted most in the world. It reminded me of something I had forgotten, or more like given up on, a long time ago. It lit my flame and brought back to me the passion of helping others, it reminded me of the overwhelming ecstasy and satisfaction I feel when I see the smile on someone’s face after I have helped them in some way. It brought me back to my senses and made me cry till it burned inside. I now can, finally, say who I am in words.

I am the one person in the world who is willing to defy the laws of gravity to spread happiness and cheer. I am the person who will give her last breath to seeing a smile on a face. I am the girl who is willing to make a fool of herself to see a child laugh. I am the person whom God chose to give a gift that is very rare and yet quite common. God has given me the gift of giving. I give love, care, food, money, support, advice, encouragement..anything I could get my hands on that will make someone else happy. I derive my own happiness from seeing others happy; they don’t have to be someone I know, and it doesn’t have to have anything to do with me, but as long as I am seeing smiles in the world, I am a happy person. I will dedicate my last breath and last pound to spreading smiles and love. I will give with no return, love with no judgment, and receive the smiles around me graciously and with no burden. To me an unhappy face is yet another cry for help, not a reason for me to give up.

I don’t know why I was made that way, or what is going to become of me in the future..but one thing I am positive about, if I still have it in me to create love, peace, and lots & lots of smiles then there is absolutely nothing wrong with the world except that it needs some more happiness conductors – and world, they are on their way.

My Friend

All my life, I’ve been looking for a true friend. A friend that would be there when I need them, a friend who would understand when you mess up. A friend who would know what’s wrong just by looking into your eyes. Not realizing all along that I’ve always had that friend and pushing him away in search for another. How stupid! How Human. I have a friend who is always there when you need him, at any time, any place. In any way possible I need him he will be there. I could talk to him, write him, think to him even and he will know what I want and what’s wrong. He always gets the right picture and always understands when I mess up. He’s ever so compassionate and even when he’s upset he’s fair to you. He tells you over and over again that his ultimate happiness is when you come back running into his arms after you’ve messed up. He’s willing to help you so long as you’ll let him. He’s willing to accept you as long as you would let him. He’s infinitely rich and powerful; he wants to give you all his wealth just because he loves you. He’s the only friend who will never let you down, or tell you he’s busy. He loves you unconditionally and more than anyone could ever love you. You are more dear to him than you are to your parents, friends, grandparents, or spouses. His forgiveness and kindness is infinite and always there for you to make the best of them. Even the little he asks of you is for your own benefit, because no matter how powerful or rich you get, you still cannot dream of coming close to being equal to him. No matter what you have or what you can do, it stands incomparable to what he has and can do, so you are by no measure of any benefit to him. You can always trust him, infinitely and completely. You can always have faith in him. If ever you have doubt in his love to you, look around you, he left signs all over to remind you. His love to you isn’t shared with others, so you can never feel neglected just because someone else needs him at the same time you do. He is the one friend who’s love can bring people together eternally, and make bonds stronger and goals united. I can go on forever…but need I say more?

A Theory About Life

As you go through different stages of your life you meet new people, try new things, change in so many ways and for so many reasons. Each time you start a new phase of your life you set a new scenario; for instance, say you moved to a new town. You have new neighbors, wake up to a new scene, make new friends, start new routines and settle yourself in this new life to the very last detail of your daily life. It doesn’t come intentionally, or in a particular order. But nevertheless it’s a part of your action and thought process. Every time you start a new phase of your life, you are creating a new scrapbook for that period of time. Not physically, but it is sort of there whether you wanted it or not. And it doesn’t just include your own memories, they are an assemblage of your impressions and thoughts about something, others’ impressions and images of you and your actions, your habits and likes and dislikes. It’s all collected into this period of your life. When you eventually start a new phase in your life, like change jobs, get married, or move, you inevitably leave behind all those memories in an invisible sealed box that opens up every time you revisit that phase – mentally or physically. This could cause you pain, or it could cause pleasure and nostalgia; it all depends on what you left behind in that box. This may lead us to the conclusion that we should try to at least make the effort to ensure that we leave behind a good set of memories and impressions in each phase of our life. And although there will always be factors that we cannot control, like others’ impressions of us or the loss of loved ones, we should at least keep it as a goal to keep a straight record and make as many positive memories as we can.

Midnite Whatever

NB: This post is from a few days ago, I typed it up on Word but forgot to publish it the next day.

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When I try to think of what people really want out of life, I find myself lost. Is it only one thing, a single universal goal for all humanity; or are people’s goals as unique and individual as they are. Ultimately, when we find out what people want, we can decode their actions. After all, no one acts out of nothing; there has to be some motive behind that action. Conducting a research like that, to find out people’s goals and moving force in life will probably be quite a shocker. Or not. My guess is that no matter how different people seem to be they will end up being classified into groups. Some people want acceptance, others want respect, some seek God’s love. Many people, I’m sure, will be strongly moved by the Green Stuff, the big bucks. Bloody surprise! It is, however, unfair to judge anyone by their goals, desires, dreams, or actions because all of these are changeables. Sure enough, they define a person and who they are, but nevertheless, no one has the right to cast judgements at anyone else unless they themselves are perfect (which of course is impossible). Now, by judge I strictly mean negatively assessing someone else; and that’s a very awful thing to do, now isn’t it?

I reckon I’ll start asking people from now on what they really want out of life. I must get it out of my system.

Anyhow, when I’m really upset or engrossed in something I can’t sleep at night. I usually make myself something hot to drink (Yes, even in the summer!) and watch TV and/or write and/or stare out the window (providing I have one close enough and at eye level!!) I find those things help me either think about what’s bothering me, or avoid thinking about them (how ironic). One thing I didn’t mention though, is that a lot of the times too, I start pacing slowly around the house, as if I’m taking a little walk in my own imaginary garden. So tonight is one of those times. I’m pacing in the dark, eyes swollen, nose red. The issue on my mind isn’t that huge, but I was misunderstood and haven’t had a chance to explain myself (thanks to someone’s rushed replies and unwillingness to listen), that really gets on my nerves. So I start to think after a few hundred paces “why am I like that? What is it exactly that I’m holding onto so strongly that would get me crying like that after I had one of the most cheerful days ever?” I mean, you have to wonder how you could transform completely from one state of mind to another within a few seconds only because you felt you lost something you hold so dear to you. In my case, as I’m sure you’re probably wondering by now, it was self-reliance and independence. Most of you don’t know me since I was a kid, but as far as I can recall I’ve always wanted to do things on my own. My mum tells me stories on how I would never let her do anything for me and how I’d try to get it on my own first and THEN asking for help if I fail. Not such a bad thing, really, considering the fact that I also love to rely on certain people for certain things when I feel it is right. But I would never let myself get to the stage where I always have to rely to others and can’t get my life sorted out on my own. So really, as independent people go, I’m not so bad. But as an independent kid, teen, and young woman, I so badly need to get it through to my folks that there are certain things that could be done with me that will get me to do everything they want me to do and vice versa. But that’s a different story.

Actually, when you give it a little thought you will come to conclude that most of the arguments that occur between people are not what they seem at all. Most probably what happens to keep those things on fire is that they each strike each other’s chords and touch something that really threatens the other person’s existence so they keep going back and forth trying to prove themselves right. To validate their being. To validate their universe.


So long for now, dad’s home from work and we’re having supper together. Midnight supper.

I Am One of Those Who Are! But Why?

I was looking through my old keep-sakes; rummaging through the old pages of my life. They were all things from my senior years of school. Most of the stuff is just..stuff. But the things that really got to me were the drawings and writings I had from that time. Quite amazing. To me, at least. It’s a combination of pleasant shock and surprise when you remember things you used to say and think when you were at a certain stage in your life; things that you no longer keep at the top of your head. I chose a little something to add to the blog, that I had decided to keep to myself at the time I wrote it. The first part of it is a poem, the second is just a paragraph of prose; both under the title of “I am one of those who are! Why?”

I am one of those who are,
Who have to see thru a window,
Who cannot see without it too,
But have the insight gizmo.
Not many have it, but many do,
Know how to use it well.
The smallest window that ever was,
Was one that made us see,
And made our lives much better coz
Without it we wouldn’t be,
The ones we are, the ones we’ll be,
The ones who fought and fret,
To see the light
With their insight,
Is all they’ll ever need.
I am one of those who are,
With a window on my nose,
From the second I’m up,
Till I go to bed,
It sits.
From metal scrap and plastic,
It lives to be my guide,
Through the narrow paths, and the wide ones,
And the ups and downs of life.
I am one of those who are, but why?

I sit and wonder, why are some people like that, why are others not? It’s fair, coz Allah decided it to be so. I shouldn’t complain. I don’t. I only wonder, why is it so? Why am I one of those who are? Is it good for me? Is it bad? Some people are like that, some aren’t, I am one of those who are. It’s not the worst, it could have been worse, it could’ve been totally wrong. I could’ve been totally blind. Why do I complain? I wonder why I am, one of those who are. I don’t complain, I wonder. Is it permanent? Is there a cure? I want an answer. No catch, just an answer. If I could ask for one thing and it would come true, what would I ask for? My sight, no I guess not. I would choose Paradise. Eternal happiness. Then, there is no catch. Eternal happiness, good friends, good husband, good life. They’re all waiting for me in Paradise. Better manners. Patience. Patience. Patience.

I am one of them. Am I happy? Yes. I am very happy. More happy than others. Others are miserable. I am not. I am happy.

Will it go away? I want answers, no catch.

I am one of those who are. Why?


16 years old
04-04-03


It really wasn’t easy growing up as a kid with glasses. Not that I got teased at school or anything (Thank God for that!) but it can get quite annoying to always have something resting on your face. For one thing, you can’t watch tv sleeping on the couch! Well, the day I bought my first pair of contact lens, I came home and looked in the mirror. I told my mom “So that’s what I really look like” It was the first time I could see my face and my eyes just the way they are. It’s probably not very easy for you to imagine what the big deal is if you don’t wear specs. But for all my bespectacled friends out there, you’ll know what I mean. It really is different seeing yourself through glasses and just seeing your face the way it really looks.

Mind you, there are a few up-sides to having weak eyesight; for example, when I take off my glasses and bring something really close up to my face I could see the finest details that wouldn’t be so clear with glasses (because if you bring something really close to your face with glasses on or if you have perfect eyesight, you not only get cross-eyed, but your head hurts too). I know it probably seems like I’m trying to comfort myself by saying that there are good sides to this..well, maybe. So sue me! I’d rather think of all the stupid and incredible things to make myself feel better than to sit around all my life crying and drowning in self-pity like some do. I’m just accepting reality.

Anyhow, being – as I put it – One of Those Who Are, I still believe I’m blessed in more ways than many people around me. And After all, if my test of character isn’t in my faith then who cares! I’m only going to be around for a few decades. And besides, as I always say – it could’ve been worse.

So you’re probably wondering if I’m at so much peace with the issue, why did I decide to write about it? Well, truth be told I sensed from talking with many people that those who are “Not” don’t usually know what it’s really like to “Be” and they take their sight for granted. Oh, AND when they talk about the eye weaknesses they talk about it as if it’s merely a headache – yea right! That’ll make us feel better! Then again, I never like to generalize; I know people who are very sensible in that respect and put others’ feelings into their consideration while talking. May you have perfect eyesight forever for that compassionate gesture.

Have a good look…I mean day ::giggle::

It Hurts to Be A Big Girl =(

I've been giving a lot of thought to what "growing up" means; of course everyone's definition of a certain term will vary to some extent, but more or less, they all have to meet on some kind of common grounds. So to me it was like cinderella's shoes, I had one pair and I didn't know who's foot it will be the perfect fit for. However, I came up with some sort of an idea about what it means to be a grown-up.



Being a grown-up is being able to tell yourself "I don't REALLY need this new, unbelievably cool phone right now..I guess I could wait a few months" even if you're dying inside and everyone else has it.



Being a grown-up is taking the blame for forgetting to clean out the fish tank causing one of the fish to die, rather than pointing fingers at everyone and trying to weasel your way out of it.



Being a grown-up is having the courage to put yourself behind in favor of the group interest.



Being a grown-up is having the guts to say you're sorry when you've screwed up.



It's not always easy being a grown-up, and it's pretty shitty most of the time but knowing that you reached that level of maturity gives you an incredible sense of power and satisfaction. People could be 50 and 60 years old but have the maturity of a 10 year old. Others could be 20 and 30 and have the maturity of 70.



We all face painful things in our lives, we all cry - even if only in private, but the really mature know how to get their crying over with and start gaining the skills they need to deal with their problems. Because there will always be problems, they may be immediately close to you or far away, they may be yours or others', they may be related to the past, present, or the future. but one thing I know for sure is that they will always be there waiting to give you yet another test of character. It's really up to us whether we pass or not.

The Lady in The Bathroom

Hey folks, I feel like it's been a while since I heard from anyone..I just hope everything's good for everyone :) Always remember people, whatever it is, it can always be fixed ;)

So, A few days ago I was out shopping at Bhs and Mothercare and my mum and I needed to make a stop at the ladies room, so we ask around and finally manage to get there before any damage is done :P. Inside, we're greeted by this very sweet Bengali lady who looks after the washroom, from the looks of it she must be around 50. I'm washing my hands and waiting for my mum, when the lady asks me "is she your mum?"; I smile and say yes and ask her if she knew because I look like her, just making small talk really. Then she starts telling me how she's fasting today and that this is the last of the six days of Shawwal and this makes my heart smile. The point of this whole story is something that she says next; she tells me "Allah says that if you keep your heart clean and pure you will have Heaven waiting for you, but if your heart isn't pure no matter how many good deeds you do it won't be worth anything." At that moment I felt like it was only me and that woman in the world. It was as if time stopped and everything just paused and that woman was all that exists. It was amazing. This simple humble woman, who probably wants nothing more out of life than to feed her family and see her kids happy summed up the whole purpose of our existence in one beautifully plain sentence. That, my friends, is the truth. Whether we like it or not, at some point there will be an end to all this. Now wouldn't it be wonderful to end up on the right side of the tracks? And all for the affordable price of keeping your heart pure of any hatred, envy, bigotry, and all other diseases of the heart. It may seem like an awful lot of work and effort, but if you do it for the right reasons be sure that God will help you. And hey, we go through a lot of trouble for other things, isn't an eternity in heaven worth a little work?

Keep the love goin' people

Oh, and by the way, you look beautiful today ;)

YES

I just had an epiphany, a personal epiphany. I had always thought to myself, when I get married I HAVE to get married to an open-minded, easy-going guy. I’ve always had the problem of being the only one in my family who enjoys spur-of-the-moment activities, and loves making a decision to go out or do something without having previously planned for it. It was my dream to live my life like that, and to me it seemed like since my family aren’t like that, my only hope is in the guy I marry. Well, you're probably wondering why I can't be like that in my own life, not depend on someone. Seeing as we live in a society and all our actions inevitably affect the people we interact with,to some extent, it would be – at times – awfully selfish to just decide to go out or do something all of a sudden when the people you live with aren’t like that; especially when your life is interwoven with theirs.

Anyhow, as you may have noticed in my Bookworm section, I’m reading Danny Wallace’s Yes Man, and as much as I’ve been enjoying the book and writer’s style (to the extent that I sometimes wake up my mom with the sound of my laughing!), I’m finding it a little difficult to completely embrace the details to be learned by the events. However, I picked up the book just a few moments ago, I’m in bed all tucked in and happy and I start to read. I’m not really sure which line I stopped at so I go over a little bit of the page. I come across a paragraph I realize I've already read before, but didn’t give that much attention to, here’s a few sentences (the section in blue is what really inspired me, the rest of the text is just to keep it in context):

I had been genuinely inspired by my short time with Marc. He was someone brave
enough to just let things happen. To roll with the punches. To go where the wind
took him. And he’d changed my attitude, somewhat. I realized, slowly, that I’d been treating Yeses like they were against me. That they were challenges to be overcome. That they were things I could fail. In actual fact, they were just part of life. And if I treated
them like Marc did, they would become life.

It feels quite amazing to me really, because just two days ago I read this same paragraph and I was like those Looney Tunes cartoons where an airplane zips over their head and they stand there like the goofballs they are going "Huuh?" ! I, too, realized that I’ve been such an idiot. I’ve been waiting all my life for someone else to be open-minded so I could be like them. I needed somebody’s approval to say yes to opportunities. I know I said I’m the only one in the family who lives by spontaneity – Uh..Big Lie! Well, maybe in my head I do, that’s what I want to be so much. But most of the time I end up being too afraid of actually going through with the things that I decide to do, I chicken out. I get too scared that something will go wrong, or maybe that I’ll be disappointed. So it’s always been a kind of struggle with me, I want to be one way, but I’m too scared to go through with it and maybe the surrounding atmosphere hasn’t been all the best help in that arena. So anyway, I just realized, after reading that paragraph from the book, that in order to have a life of spontaneity, open-mindedness, and loads of opportunities, The one person that I really need to be like that is ME. Everyone knows you can’t fill up a closed bottle with water, and by saying no to every opportunity I’m just tightening the lid on my bottle. It’s like taking the antenna off your radio and then cursing it for not receiving any channels! So it was incredibly inspiring to me when I discovered that I can do something about it and not just wait for someone else to come and scoop me off the land of No-No. It’s quite simple really, if you spend just a week being more open to opportunities then they Will come your way. And of all the chances that get thrown at you, one is bound to be something you’ve been waiting for.

Life is Good. Live it right and it will help you.

Marriage..Yes, Again!

I’ve come to peaceful terms with some of the issues that have been on my mind lately. One being marriage; is it a 9 legged monster that should be avoided at all costs? Or is it, in fact, a rather splendid project that should be approached with an open mind and a lot of love..well, to make a long story short, I’ve come to believe that it is what you want it to be. People will tell you all sorts of horrible stories in attempts to what would seem like they’re trying to drive you away from it. On the other hand when you say you don’t want it anymore, they go absolutely berserk trying to convince you that you absolutely must get married!! Quite stupid I should say. Let’s just say, the people are confused!! Anyhow, I decided that although it is not an easy task, surfing smoothly through marriage is quite a simple one. Be smart. Be honest. Be yourself.

Alright then..toodles.

To Cook...Or Not To Cook

I have reached this point in my life where I must think what I want to do. I am free to become whatever my heart desires. Well, anything except maybe a dentist. It’s a long story. So I wake up every morning, with one question on my mind: who am I? the question may seem irrelevant to the issue at hand, but in order for me to know what I want to do, I should start by knowing who I am. The thing about my situation is, I do a lot of things. That’s a good thing. Or is it? I’ve been drinking tonnes of water lately, but that’s another story. If being a multi-talented person is a good thing, I’d say that’s because it gives me the space to do whatever I fancy. On the other hand, it is like you’re the joker in the deck, that blank domino that just goes wherever you want it. I cook, write, paint, design. I’m creative and I love doing adverts. I’m horrible with finances though. I suck at it. I’m most likely to turn a sum into a clever drawing or a recipe than tell you 2 x 2 = 4 (FIY I had to check with my calculator for that!) I’m starting to consider putting math skills as a requirement in my “ideal guy”, someone has to help the kids with homework!

Everytime I start thinking about what I’d love to do with my life, I end up not wanting to do anything at all. I start off with the usual write-down-my-skills-fiasco, and then all hell breaks loose. I want to be this, I want to do that. Suddenly I’m the world’s best designer, cook, restaurant owner, blah blah. It’s thought and time consuming. Not to mention that in the crazy twist of things, I realize it will take me ages before I actually Become any of these things. Maybe I should work freelance. I never really liked the idea of working steady (yes, that too is a long story) so I was kind of not thinking of getting involved in anything at the moment. However, the idea of working from home or working freelance may just be the thing for me.

This just in: Does spending your evenings on your living room couch with your laptop in your lap thinking of where your life is headed actually make you a grown-up? I’m going to be writing a lot about this whole grown-up business those days. It is, after all, the story of my life now. I hear that this is the time you should be starting to think of growing up.

Behold people, I shall soon become a…uh…Big Girl :)

Her Birthday

Today is my mom’s birthday, and for the first time ever I am not 100% prepared with the perfect gift and the perfect wrapping and presentation for it. I got a card and managed to come up with a gift but it just feels so…empty. I usually put a lot of thought into anything I’m bying for someone; it should be something they need, something that will put a smile on their face, something that will make them feel special, and most important, something that they feel is personal, that they know I’ve put my heart into, not just my wallet. Then there’s the presentation of the gift. I make it a deal to set up a display for my gifts. Especially those I give to my parents and brother, since we live at the same house, it’s easier to make a display. Another thing I HAVE to make sure I do – I have to wake up earlier than this person, set up the display wherever they are bound to bump into it the first thing in the morning. One time I put a table with my gift on it for mother’s day right outside the bathroom door! It was quite successful, you could say she literally Bumped into it!! It was fun too, greeting her with a hundred-watt smile at her bed, mentally pulling her out of bed to get up and see the presentation I’ve set up for her. I’m like a little kid again, all bubbly and excited.

My profound interest in putting effort and thought (and money!) into buying and giving a gift is probably a result of something my parents always did with me. They know that I’ve always LOVED surprises, I love them in all shapes and sizes. So whenever there was a special day for me (birthday, graduation, just-being-a-good-girl, whatever it was) they would make sure to put all their cards and gifts on my dresser before I woke up and they knew that the first thing I would do when I wake up is put my specs on and look at that blessed spot! One day, I woke up, it was my birthday, I looked…and my worst nightmare came true..There Was NOTHING! Can you believe it?! It was heartbreaking! And the worst thing is, I have to go out there and act normal! Well, to my pleasant surprise, I realised later on that they wanted to make a little change, and they waited until I got up, went into the bathroom, quickly put all the stuff in there as if it was always there, and continued with their lives as though nothing in the world has changed! Now THAT was a pleasant surprise. And to be honest, it kind of rekindled the element of novelty in the whole parade. I have to say, if there was one thing I learned from my mother, it was to put all your heart and mind into any gift you give to someone. Thanks mom, that is the best gift you could ever give me J

Be The Bigger Man

It makes me quite sad when I read those articles and emails that ask questions about the difference between the two genders in whatever aspect, only to find women lash out at men and vice versa. Generally, I’m not a gender-biased person. Everyone does good and bad. But it really makes me sad when you can’t find one piece of writing in which one gender says anything good about the other. Browsing through today’s paper (and I’m not implying that I actually Read the paper!), I came across a sort of study that asks the question “Which of the two partners is more concerned with the household finances?”. It wasn’t really any surprise to find that the women were calling the men tight and the men saying that all their wives do is squander his money on her petty luxuries.

Does anyone else find it strange that the two people (man & woman) whom God created to be each other’s comfort and safety are the two who have declared the biggest war yet over each other? Seriously, whatever happened to sympathy, empathy, and understanding? Whatever happened to unconditional love between people, to selfless giving and caring? Has everyone become so obsessed and blinded by their selfish love for themselves that they cannot see beyond their own desires and benefits? Does dignity and self-respect mean that people are too proud and arrogant to say “I’m sorry”, “Thank You”, or a truthful “I Love You”? Is that how we really want to live? By seeing that every bad thing or every obstacle is someone else’s fault? Our parents, siblings, peers, teachers, kids..it’s always someone else, isn’t it? Not one time does anyone have enough courage to be the man and say “you know what, never mind who’s fault it is, what matters is that we fix the damage” Is it all of a sudden that everyone just Has To Be Right all the time? I want one true human being to look themselves in the mirror and say out loud that they CAN take the blame when they should, or that they give an apology when it’s due. I won’t claim to be perfect, I’m too arrogant myself sometimes to admit I’m wrong. Sometimes I just won’t take it, especially in front of my parents. Don’t really know why I do that, but I do admit it. I hate it, and it’s one of the things on my list that I’m working on. God help me.

You know what guys? Sitting around mourning what we have come to isn’t really going to get us anywhere..i say we just do something about it, eh? I say we all promise ourselves right now, just to yourself, no one is hearing or judging. Just promise yourself that the next time you find yourself about to start blaming the world for your screw ups, that you’ll stop and do something about it. Stop and Fix The Damage. And the next time you find a normal conversation escalating into an argument, you will be the bigger man and say “our friendship is bigger than that” or “it doesn’t matter who’s fault it is, it’s not the end of the world”. Let us all start to Be The Bigger Man.

Pondering

I think. I am always thinking. It is both a gift and a curse. But I adapt to it.

I think of why I am the way I am, why certain circumstances and situations shaped me in one particular way rather than another. I sometimes find answers..but not as often as I would like.

I think of the world and what causes it to become the way it is. I get sad. But I live with it. When it comes to other people or the way other things affect me, I can understand. I can deal with it. But when it is something about me, a truth or fact that I just cannot fathom; I cannot rest until I figure it out.

I wonder about what will happen in the future and how it will shape my personality. I wonder whether my future will turn out the way I imagine it..or is it destined to be the complete opposite.

I dream about being a rich restaurant owner who uses her money to improve the world..or at least her neighbourhood. I dream about owning a chocolate factory and being the first and best Arab and Muslim chocolate manufacturer. I dream about being one of the people who change the World’s view of Islam, and do what should be done, be a true Muslim through my actions and manners, not by bombing up innocent people. I dream about being the best role model for the people I know. I dream about influencing everyone I know in one way or another..in a positive way of course. I dream about mastering 7 different languages and using them to fulfill my other goals. I dream about living in a beautiful two storey house with a huge garden and a great pool. I dream about having an honest and open relationship with my husband and kissing him goodbye everyday before he leaves to work. I dream about having 4 adorable children whom I will raise to become the best role model they can be. I left out my health in all my dreams. For some reason, I just thought it would be there. But how am I to know? I might have all of the above, but not have the health to enjoy it. No one has everything, not even if your intention is correct and your goal is pleasing God. It’s just not right. It would not be fair to some people if others could just have everything while they have nothing, or close to nothing. One thing I am grateful for, I am not the one to choose which to give up.

Prejudice

Prejudice: An unreasonable or unfair dislike or preferrence.

Or in other words judging a person or situation without truly knowing all its aspects. I don’t believe in first impressions, or second, or third for that matter. A true impression can only be taken when there’s interaction with that person many times, and he is seen in different situations.

But what if you need to know what someone is truly like, but you’re not close enough to see them through these conditions?

Hmm..there’s something for me to ponder about…

Never Bullshit a Bullshitter!

I’ve come to a couple of realizations about myself; a) that I overabuse the phrase “I’ve come to realize” in all it’s forms, and b) that the time of my life that I claimed not be asking or expecting very high standards of the people around me, like my family, it was really only me not bothering to ask my self higher standards. I was slacking, and I wanted to make it seem alright and accepted by saying that these Are my standards; that I’m not the kind of person to ask for much. Scary isn’t it? How you live one way for so long, and then one day, in only a breath of a moment, all of your excuses and explanations just come tumbling down. History. I believe that at the time I was making those excuses, I knew subconsciously that they were just excuses. I knew that I could do better, ask for better. Demand myself to reach my full potential. But it seemed so much easier to Not Go There. This area was like a dark cursed place that I avoided at all costs. It was Easier This Way.

I have this strategy, truth be told I’m not quite sure if it’s any good, but nevertheless I follow it. I reach a point where I say ok, I’ve been pushing myself so hard, I’ve been working a lot. Now I take time off. I give myself the time to relax. For some reason my ‘time off’ seems to always magically stretch! Now it’s a day, then it’s another day. A week. A month. Two months. A year. Believe me, it could stretch up to that sometimes. And the more it does the worse it gets. It becomes this endless cycle and it’s like Groundhog day all over again. Usually, I fight so hard when I’m in one of those cycles. I fight my parents, family, friends, nature, the world. I’m in complete and utter denial over the status I’ve reached. I keep telling myself that I haven’t been like that all that long. I’m just taking a break from blah blah. I need this, I’ve been pushing so hard. Two words: Bull Shit! I once heard this line in the Pink Panther movie, the very last one where Inspector Clousau disappears. This guy (whose name I forgot) tells the reporter who is investigating the disappearance: Never bullshit a bullshitter. Well, exactly, the dude got it just right. If you’re going to stand there with one pocket hanging out and your hair looking like you’ve been mopping the kitchen floor with it and tell me all the lame excuses that I use to give myself the comforting feeling that “I’m still ok” then you could do one of two things: a) keep living that way, or b) get off your behind and actually do something about it!

Ok, maybe that was a little hostile. But hey, you know I still love you, right? Well, I wouldn’t be doing that if I didn’t. Now smile for me, I can’t bear to see you sad. There you go, that’s a very beautiful smile.

When They Called Me FAT!

There are a million things on my mind that i could write about right now, but there's only one thing that i really feel like getting off my heart. Isn't it weird how when someone whom you know cares about you keeps repeating something about you that really hurts you? No wait, that's not the weird part, the weird part comes when you know that this person KNOWS that it hurts you when they say that. Weird, huh?

Well, just moments ago i heard someone (who shall remain nameless) in the next room saying that they're afraid that i'll get fat. Now, anyone knows you should NEVER say such a thing about a girl!! And even more when she isn't fat at all!!! When it comes to weight, other than those noodle-waist girls, most of us fluctuate. Thank God I fluctuate within invisible range!! I know i never was fat, i know i'm not fat, and i'm determined never to be fat. Nevertheless, when a guy said it to me straight on; he was like "you know, you shouldn't be eating that, you need to be losing weight", and i was thinking "where is that crane that had such a painfully looking hook?! Oh yea, over there..go play with it honey, it's a nice toy!!! I mean, REALLY! It took more than that to crush me tho..it took two more jer--uh--guys to really blow me out! And as i said, i know i'm not fat, but it kinda makes you wonder...is this really how the world sees me?! Oh what the hell, go hassle someone else!

Anyhow, when you've had a not-so-pleasant experience with something, and someone so close to you just keeps rubbing it in your face..it HURTS! You want to scream out I'VE HEARD ENOUGH CRAP ABOUT THIS I DON'T NEED IT FROM YOU! you expect the people closest to you to at least not put more gas to the fire. Jeez!

So i was about to storm into the room and scream my head off about how upset and hurt i am and how inconsiderate this is, when i just found myself sort of in a trance, with the sweet image in my head of ''what if i don't do it?'' what if i just give myself a few minutes to cool down, deal with this, don't be like a blob of potassium in a tub of water (one of my fav. experiments in IG Chemistry btw). It is ok. It is absolutely fine. And hey, if i'm so damn sure of body, what the heck does it matter what others say! HA! RIGHT IN YOUR FACE!!

It somehow gives you a sense of strength and power. You were able to hear something about yourself that completely set the fireworks off in your head, but you didn't just react like a lab monkey and went off on everyone. It so cool!

A Break

Dear Friends and Readers..

I will not be posting for a long time..I am going through some difficult times right now..and I won't be able to write down any thoughts.

Have a wonderful day..and may you hear some great news soon :)

All the best,
Lubna

Old Friends

I am better today..thank God these mood swings don't last long with me.

I met an old friend today in college..it was really cool talking and talking like that..I love having chats with mature people, especially if they're old friends..because the formalities phase is over..u know what they mean when they say something and u just be urself with them. In my opinion, that's one of the best things about knowing someone for a long time.

Sometimes you could be in a bad mood or just tired of life and studying and stuff, and then a friendly chat like that could lighten your heart.

Another thing that makes me feel good is the stage I have reached in this blog..it has become like an old friend too. I know that at anytime I could just sit down and write freely, no writer's block or anything. I'm not feeling shy like I do when I just met someone. It's more like the one person you call up when you really need to talk about anything and be sure that they won't misunderstand you or make fun of you.

I have nothing more to say ppl..

Realizations..

Today I realized that I reached my 50th post! That calls for a celebration :D

Yesterday I found out that when pharmacy students finish their practical exams their mood completely transforms from bummed out to elated! Laughing and throwing jokes all over! It's good to see people that happy :)

Throughout the last few months I truly came to believe that if you relax and don't make a fuss over something you want, it will come straight to to you, you will be able to enjoy it, and those who didn't want you to have it will be the ones who will bring it to you! This is a feeling of ecstasy..

I also realized that all my deadlines are aproaching me like a speed train..sunday, wednesday, wednesday, tuesday, thursday..and then BOOM! it's exam time..then...the Big Bang..my graduation presentation. Uh-Oh..Big time tummy butterflies! Now I just lost my appetite..that's bad :(

My Life

I have always said that I want to be a source of happiness and comfort to everyone around me. I just didn't really know how to do it or why. Sure I knew that I derive part of my happiness from seeing those around me happy, but that wasn't something solid to build a lifestyle on. So today, just a while ago actually, I was watching an episode for Omar Abd El Kafy and the title of this episode was "What is the path to happiness?" It intrigued me to watch it and so I did..and at the very end of the show, he said something about how God loves those who make people around them happy. I realized that I could take a neyya (intention) in doing what I want to do, and not only will it make me happy, I will be getting a reward from God, and I will be sure that He will guide me in the right direction in doing this.

Sometimes it would seem silly that I want to make this goal a huge part of my life..but then when I help someone, or put a smile on someone's face..or give a friend a hug when they're crying..I know that I'm on the right track. I know that it's all worth it :)

I'm trying to think of a title..but I'm too exhausted!

A lot of people are blaming me for saying that I find it difficult to trust people anymore..it's like everyone is strong, confident, trusting, and all that..99% of those who tell me to trust people probably can't trust anyone themselves! But anyhow..what I realized through my thinking is that it's not that I don't trust people with my secrets..because that I do..I say things to people that, if I don't trust ppl in that manner, wouldn't dream of telling them anything. The way in which I don't trust people, as I discovered, is that I just can't trust them with my feelings..I can't trust to be open and myself with them. I can't trust people to be something and act as something else..and I end up discovering a year or so later. I just can't take that anymore..I keep my guard up at all times..I mean, what's the point of getting hurt when I could just avoid it? To be truthful, I'm blessed that no one has hurt me by letting my secrets out..maybe because I'm always keen on keeping others' secrets so God is rewarding me that way..so I don't really feel the lack of trust in that manner..but rather in the way I've explained before.

Well..that's it, I just had to let that out now. I've aching all over (stress-pain, nothing to worry about), so I can't write anymore.

For Old Times' Sake!

Today I got in touch with an old old friend..We've known each other since we were in grade 2. I realized today that he's the oldest friend I have! I mean, because I've travelled back and forth changing schools, I've had to make new friends each time..he was the only one whom I came back feeling like I had never left! Well..sure when I went back to Kuwait for the last three years of school, we didn't talk at first..but that's because each one thought that the other had forgotten about them. But it turned out to be true that great friendships are lasting even if you don't live in the same country!! Anyway..so it was good to hear from him again..I was all nostalgic about the good ol' days, and it was good to know that a cherished friend is doing ok.

On another level...It's 12.39 am..I've got tonnes to do (yes, as usual!) and I...well..just don't want to do it!! Mini-dillemma (is that two 'L's or two 'm's?)

Looking back on life in high school made me realize how much I was in heaven to be oblivious to many things..it just helps you be all white and innocent..well..only difference is that now I know a bunch of stuff more..I'm still white and innocent..I'm scared of people, finding it difficult to trust them, and find myself just reading into everything they do or say..It's exhausting! I hate it.

But anyway..saying that just gave me a pang in my heart..i hate that feeling so i will stop talking about that.

k ppl...take care

Random Thoughts

Standing in total darkness..total silence, I peek out..it's not there. My friend is not there tonight. I wonder what could be wrong? I'm sure there's a good reason though.

I took in the whole scene again..the all too familiar tranquility and intense darkness. I loved every second of it. Looking out from my window, it feels like I live in one of those small cozy villages. Like those villages here in Egypt at the North Coast..where you would look out the window in the dark of the night and feel the beautiful weather and serenity embrace you. Like you are the child and the world is your loving tender mother. I know I talk about this scene outside my window a lot..but this wouldn't have been, if it did not stir different emotions in me each time. Sometimes they may even be emotions of sadness..but not tonight. Tonight I was at peace. Total peace. I could hardly feel the walls around me, or the window sill that is caging me in..I could feel like I was going to spread my wings and fly at any moment. One of the things I enjoy most about being with my brother..is that he is almost the opposite of what I am, yet we are like one mind in two bodies..of course not all the time! I mean, at situations where we're enjoying a quiet night just reading..or just sitting there enjoying the silence..we both just know what to do..what the other wouldn't like at that moment so we don't do it. It is such a blessing and a wonderful feeling to feel so synchronized with someone so close to you. It is a bond I hope will forever stay as close..but I'll make sure it doesn't ruin either our married lives..no intrusions allowed on either side.

Sometimes it is very scary when you know exactly what you want..but you can't describe it. You know that when you see it you will say "YES! That's it!", but when people ask you about it you're not really sure how to say it. Oh well..

So I'll go get some zzzz's now..I have a looong day ahead of me.

Cheers..

My Flower

Walking through the university gate, passing by the flowers and gardens along the way..watching people socialize even though they're half asleep..all the sounds, scents, faces..A scene that I've come to love so much. It's grown on me. It somehow makes me feel safe now, the familiarity of the whole atmosphere just warms me up even on the coldest mornings. There is a certain flower that I particularly love. It looks heavenly to me. A very delicate flower, semi-translucent petals, you can see it's "veins" if you know what I mean..there are so many colors of it..yellow, orange, red, but my favorite is the fuschia/magenta color. It has this deep intense color..it takes you in. Makes you want to reach out and embrace them. The garden isn't exactly at ground level, it is a little like on a hill and the highest point of that hill is the one next to the wall that separates the path we walk on from the garden. So anyway, I was walking this morning, and at one point I realized that I was walking under my favorite flower. I was tempted to reach out and touch it. I was just about to stretch my arm..it was, after all, just above my head. Then a thought occured to me. We don't always do what occurs to us, what we wish for..what we just "want to do". I remembered how when we were children our parents would always tell us "don't touch this" "don't do that" you know, normal parenting! And as a very curious kid I got that a lot..only by the time my mom actually saw me..it was too late!! Aah..good old days :)

I know this particuar situation is trivial..or seems trivial. I mean, I could dramaticize it if I want, like say, for example that certain flowers die (the petals turn brown and dry out) if you touch them..and that when I put my hand on it I will certainly be tempted to pick one (it wasn't just one, like a whole bouquet of them). I knew that picking one would certainly hurt it..because it wasn't going to last long with me. I like drying flowers, but this one is too delicate to dry..it would've shrivelled up.

Anyway, so that brought to my mind how when we start to grow up, we give ourselves certain restrictions, we don't just do whatever comes to our mind. There is, ofcourse, spontaneity; but that's a different story..that's the story of my life. Then there's foolishness, immaturity. Doing something just because you want to, without considering the consequences and reprecussions. I realized, at that very moment under the flower, that this self-control comes with the territory. It comes with growing up and maturing. Some people don't feel it..they just do it. Some people have to train themselves for a long time before they grasp the concept. And of course, there are those people that don't even think about it, and don't really care to. These are the people that we see speeding up in a puddle just to see the water splash..but there are people on the sidewalk, there are other cars on the road. There are people going to work, coming home after a long day, or on their way to big appointment/meeting. This kind of thing would sure as hell piss them off! I realize that you know you have grown up and matured when you find yourself stopping yourself from doing something you know is wrong or in some way painful to others.

It actually feels good to reach that realization.

My dear friends..stop and think before you do or say something that you can never take back, and may hurt someone, even if that someone is yourself. And don't convince yourself that you deserve something just because you want it. Personally I am a very curious person..and the number of things that I would love to try and do and say..they are endless. I'm sure if I let go of myself I wouldn't be a very pleasant person..let me just tell you this: I love experimenting with fire! So if no one else minded..I know my parents will!

New Post Series: Reasons I Am Happy.

That last post inspired me to create a series of posts with the title "Reasons I Am Happy", which will simply be a list of the things that I feel are making me happy at that particular moment. This will (a) help me continue being an optimistic cheerful person as I always have been, (b) spread joy and hope to my dear readers, (c) remind me of the small things in life that can be a reason for happiness, (d) remind me that not only big things make people happy, that small things CAN and DO bring happiness, (e) I can't find anything to write here but I seem to like the idea of listing stuff!! :P

So watch out world..Happy Lulu is coming back!! and with reinforcements!! :P

The series however do not have to be one after the other..i mean I'll post about other things in between..but for this series I will give them the title I mentioned above. So tune in every couple of days..we always offer the latest news of love, life, and happiness :)

Senzi: My New Addiction!

ATTENTION CHOCOLATE LOVERS: I just had my first Galaxy Senzi..I'm sure this chocolate came from heaven. It is the best that Galaxy has come up with yet. It outdid Lindt, Ritter Sport, and..well..no, not Guylian! This still ranks first place! I now know that the T.V. commercial they have for Senzi is NOT overdone..it is just right. This chocolate gives you tingles..it's like...well..all the things you love put together! It's not really comfort food..more like a taste of luxury..

Today I am happy for the following reasons:

1. Had my fav. latte at Cilantro's.
2. Had my fav. brownie and Cilantro's.
3. Hung out with my fav. cousin at my fav. mall.
4. I helped someone (my cousin's husband) out, which is something that always makes me happy.
5. Obviously, I just had an amazing bar of chocolate.
6. I went out without planning ahead..and I love spontaneity.
7. I bought a new book..a Sherlok Holmes novel.
8. I had a great laugh from my heart with my cousin (who happens to be the funniest person in the family--and she doesn't even try to be..she's just like that!)
9. I still have the rest of my brownie with me! That's always good news for whenever I'm hungry on the university bus and didn't have time to grab something. Hehe..
10. I was able to find 9 reasons to be happy in an absolutely ordinary day! Which assures me that I am still an optimistic person.
11. I had some slightly upsetting news this morning yet I managed to overcome them and not spend the day mourning.
12. I was talking to my college bestfriend on the fone (while I was at the mall) and she sounded particularly happy and cheerful --this made me so happy, actually maybe more than the other stuff, because I noticed she had been unlike herself lately...like for the past 6-7 months. and she always blames it on the weather or her lack of sleep..but I never believe her anyway!
13. I realized today that quite a number of ppl like to read my blog..and I'm loving that idea..and more contributions would be appreciated ppl!!
14. ok..too tired to be happy anymore!

So there are 13 reasons why I am happy tonight..I am a lucky lucky girl :) and I'm not lucky because I have those reasons to make me happy..I'm lucky because I realize those things as reasons to be happy. Or lets say..blessed..I'm blessed..I don't believe in luck or coincedence.

Goodnight now before I get to happy to sleep!!
Luv ya ppl..find your peace in this world.


PS. And no..I'm not in love or anything! I know I sound like I'm head over heels or something..walking around singing love songs to chairs and stuff..but no..I'm just relieved of huge burdens, things I have been worried about for so long and finally glad to have them go away. Thank God.

My Window

I was just standing at my sactuary..my bedroom window. Taking in the view I have been looking at for the past 4 years every day. Loving every second I am standing at that window. Why is my window my sanctuary? well..because this window has always represented new life and new hope to me. I always dreamt of standing on the sill and flying away..just hovering over this beautiful city at night. When everything else is quiet and asleep. I stood there with the refreshing chilly air blowing gently in my face, reminding me that there are still beautiful things out there in life. I stood there..I carefully inspected the scene. They're repainting the buildings in front of ours. They stand not too close..about a hundred meters away (then again..I was always bad with estimations!) well..they were far enough not to be able to see us without binoculars. They're looking beautiful with the new coat of paint. I love everything new and modern and clean. I was very happy standing there. Then I looked at the building closer to us..a school, that was never meant to be. An old school building that stood there forever. Never alive, never hopeful. I enjoyed the contrast the two provided. The old and the new. Or..the seemingly new in this case. Then I looked far off into the distance and I saw what had always completed my perfect scene. The tiny lights in the distance, and two cranes that have been working on some kind of construction that never seems to end! The three together looked to me like the old, the new, and the future. Nice. Seeing those cranes in action and the lights twinkling at me far from the distance has always been an intriguing sight for me..like a kitten that sees a box, one side open, dark inside, and is dying to go see what's inside the box..well..the cat died (they do say curiosity killed the cat didn't they?!!) and the box turned out to be empty (seriously..why would anyone give a kitten a box that was full to play with!! OF COURSE IT'S EMPTY! :P ) So anyway..I enjoy the sounds that I hear late at night. A few cars here and there..a dog barking, cat meowing, the sound of the security guards at the lonely, hollow school securing the gate lock. The sound of feet walking home, eager and unable to wait to rest after a long day of frustration and hard work. The "Goodnight" and "See you tomorrow" that come from the simple, hardworking people. The sound of the truck that pulls up every night at midnight to deliver meat to the butcher under my house. The sound of sweet life saying goodnight to me. Bidding me farewell to a new day, a new adventure, new hope, new love..nothing is ever the same when you open your eyes each day. Even the routine that you do each day..there is no way it is 100% identical each day.

I am tired..goodnight now..and see you in a new adventure...

A Post About Nothing

Sometimes, when certain things happen to you, you don't know whether you should be happy or sad..flattered, or agitated. You get a wild mixture of emotions in only a few seconds..and you think your brain has stopped functioning. Well..a good workout and a cold shower can always help with that, trust me on that! You realize that sometimes, we can believe that something is so right for us..and when you see what God has in store for you, it is as if a light bulb has gone off in your head. You see the other side of the story and you realize "wow". Am I making any sense? I hope so..

Ironically enough, my mom just came in and said the EXACT same thing to me, she doesn't know what I've been thinking about, and in fact she was talking to me about my brother and my dad. Amazing how God keeps sending you messages all the time..only those of us who want to see them will.

And when He does send us a message, don't read too much into it..God works in much simpler ways. Sometimes it is the surface meaning we should take, and sometimes we should look deeper..just follow your heart and if you keep it pure, know that it will guide you to the right thing.

I Feel Good

Today..I feel wonderful :D

Why do I feel wonderful? Well..because I faced a truth about myself, that I didn't know existed in me, and this made it easier for me to get rid of it. This changed my perspective on some things, and it made me feel so much lighter. I have hope, I have faith, and I have a chocolate cake in the kitchen! :P

I am a happy happy girl. I love it.

I know I'm not making any sense..but I don't care :D I am just happy :D

Baby's Day Out!

Today was an amazing adventure! Oh God where do I start! Well..I'll start by saying that I could not get any sleep last night..I was up till 4 am, which of course meant that I woke up at 12 noon. I hate that! I was supposed to go at 11 am to do the last of our crazy photography work! I love photography and all, but the places this dude sends us need a man, and we're all girls! Well..except for this one guy. A really decent guy. So, he wanted us to photograph a historical place in Egypt and a craft. The former is self-explanatory, and the second..well..all that means is that we had to go somewhere where they manufacture something like gold, brass ware, chairs, pottery..anything at all. I was terrified of what I was going to find there! And of course, I would not dream of going to a place like that all by myself! I took my mom (whom I've apologized to over a hundred times now!). It was a HOT day, I was wearing a Navy Blue veil, a white/navy blue striped shirt, and a denim skirt. I was STEAMING! Besides, I got a sunstroke, and boy do I get stroked! I came home so woozy from the sun I slept 2 hours. The trip, however, was very cool, the people were more than friendly. They didn't mind me taking photos at all. And hey, no harrassments! Woohoo! THAT is what made my day. Decent people.

So, we came home and all (I know I didn't put in any details..but I'm still out of balance from that sun stroke, later people, I promise :) maybe not as one chunk, but I'll integrate it into different posts), I had for lunch one of my favorite meals. Shrimps. I just love 'em. And..the best part wasn't the eating..it was the COOKING! Yes, I made them myself. WOOHOO! It was unbelievably easy. When I was a kid I used to have my mom remove all the heads from the shrimps, hehe..now I'm cooking them! WITH THE HEADS! Along with some of my special homemade pink mayo (and that does not just mean that I put some ketchup on the mayo I buy from the store, it means that I MAKE the mayo myself, and then add some ketchup that, yes, I did buy from the store!) I love homemade mayo, and unlike the widely known myth, it does not go bad quicker than store bought mayo. It lasts for a long time in the fridge and it tastes amazing :)

My friend, the star, I saw it again tonight..with two more stars! I've been seeing it on and off since I last wrote about it. But tonight it had some company! but you know what..they were so far away from each other..and the other two were smaller and flickering. Hmm..maybe they weren't friends..maybe they were bullying my friend..I'll have to look out for it, I can't have my friend upset and not do anything about it. Or maybe..it is a love triangle..the other two stars are fighting over that one star. I haven't decided whether my friend star is a he or a she, so the other two obviously have to be the opposite! Hey..anyway..I think I'd better stay away from personal affairs! It looks like my friend has been fooling around! :P

I've got to go now..I'm not making any sense to myself! And I'm still feeling woozy from the sun.

Take care my friends..

with all my love..

Cup of Comfort

I discovered that nothing soothes me more than a cup of warm milk, brought to life with a couple teaspoons of good quality honey. Just like the old days. Aaaah! The comforting warmth of the milk as it fills the emptiness of my mouth and my heart on long sleepless nights. The strong sweetness of the honey, so strong it almost feels as if the clock has stopped, yet so gentle and numbing that forces my eyes shut in ecstasy. It is a photograph that captures the stillness of the moment. The sip that drains all my worries and sorrows, the endless train of horrible thoughts that keep me up all night even though my head is screaming for my pillow. It cleanses my mind. Yea, it seems quirky having all this admiration for a cup of milk! But it was this cup of milk that gently rocked me to sleep during my childhood. No lullaby, no story, no stroking, and no bath could work its magic on me like this cup of milk with a hint of honey. Not sugar. Honey. Not juice. Milk. Warm --not too hot, not cold at all-- Just warm enough to stay warm until I reach the bottom of it. The bottom I never seemed to reach since I was always falling asleep halfway through the cup! Which makes me wonder..why didn't my mom just make me a half cup to begin with? Oh well, maybe she did! Everything seemed big and tall back then! : )

The comfort I get out of a mug of warm milk is like the comfort I get out of a friend's hug when I'm down, or the safety I feel when my dad or brother put their arm around my shoulder to protect me from any harm..or hold my hand as we cross the street even though I try to convince them that I am 20 and I've been crossing the death streets of Egypt for the past four years! It is the same comfort I feel when my mom tells me "I Love You" for no apparent reason. Most of all, it is the few moments that I can have that teleport me back to when I was a child. A little girl who always saw the best in people and helped everyone despite her parents' warning about talking to strangers. The little girl who smiled at anyone if their eyes met. The girl who feared nothing, knew nothing, and hated nothing. That little girl will always be inside me to stroke my heart and assure me that I was once what I now crave to become again. Fearless, soft, and never letting anyone step on her toes.

This, my friends, is my cup of comfort.

Goodnight now. I have had my milk.

Memories..& Diaries :)

I was looking through some old things, trying to find a piece of paper, and I came accross my old diaries and pieces of paper that I'd written thoughts on when I happy or sad. It was a remarkable experience..it was like my whole past was all gathered in a few pieces of paper. In just some words (about 2 notebooks long and a few scattered papers) was my whole childhood and teen life. I laughed out many times at the way I wrote and the things I said when I was about 12 years old. Gosh! Childhood was..well not so long ago that's for sure!

I also teared up some while reading a few of the things I wrote. All the memories of loved ones who have passed away..feeling left out in a crowd of people and not knowing what to do. High school crushes and how stupid and cute they were! It's amazing how you become aware of things now that you were so oblivious to in the past..it makes a world of difference in the way you see things and think about them.

I remembered so many things I had forgotten about myself, and discovered things that I never knew existed..except of course they must have if I wrote about them!

I was always so excited about buying new pens, I would be so anxious to rush home and try them out in my diary..even if i really didn't have anything to write!

It was all so cute, the expressions and catches we had at that age. It was also very real at the time! Everything was such a big deal and seemed like the end of the world if we didn't get this or didn't do that like our friends!

Reading those things also helped me recognize where some of the things I feel or think now come from. It's true that some of the things that happen to you as a child or a teenager stick with you your whole life. Yea..I know..unless you do something to get rid of them..that's another story!

Amongst the stuff I had written, I found a poem I had written..not quite long ago I think. It was something I just scribbled down:

I've asked myself so many times,

what true love is really like.

I've searched so long with hope to find

the core, the heart of this word "love",

I finally realized I've been making one mistake,

All that time, in search for love I've asked not my heart,
but my mind.

If love is, as they say, a pure sensation,

then my mind will never find the meaning I need,

I need to ask my heart for he's the owner

of such a blessing, of honest love.

I've asked my heart long after that, of what it knows of
love;

My heart so young stood blank not knowing much of
love,

I've begged it hard to imagine what the feeling is
like.

After time it felt so bad, for not helping me, for making me
cry.

So then, my heart, I told it, describe the amourous
soul,

Oh dear, it said, what can I say? It is a totally different
world;

To be in love is purity,

To be in love is white,

To give without expecting,

To love without reward,

To feel your beloved's pain, when you are worlds
apart,

To share the joy that's growing and lighting up his
heart.

To put your sorrow aside, to enjoy his honest
smile

And hide your joy and hug him when his heart is sad and
crying,

To love is to always know

You always have a friend, a brother, a parent, and a
child.

To love is to always know

That a hand will dry your tears even before they
fall

That a breeze will cool your heart on the hottest days of
sorrow

That someone will embrace you when they sense the slightest
fear.

To love is to always wish that your beloved is at his
best,

To know that loving something is letting go when you
should.

To be in love is to see the world a beautiful
place,

Because you know that you have someone, no matter what you
face.

At the end of a long tough day, you are home with your
love..in the still of the night.

Everything is quiet, so peaceful, so calm.

Everything is happy, that the lovers reunite.

The only noise around is the longing of the
hearts,

The souls that need each other, that need to feel so
close

This is love...and so much more..

True sensations cannot be described..they must be
felt.