Pondering

I think. I am always thinking. It is both a gift and a curse. But I adapt to it.

I think of why I am the way I am, why certain circumstances and situations shaped me in one particular way rather than another. I sometimes find answers..but not as often as I would like.

I think of the world and what causes it to become the way it is. I get sad. But I live with it. When it comes to other people or the way other things affect me, I can understand. I can deal with it. But when it is something about me, a truth or fact that I just cannot fathom; I cannot rest until I figure it out.

I wonder about what will happen in the future and how it will shape my personality. I wonder whether my future will turn out the way I imagine it..or is it destined to be the complete opposite.

I dream about being a rich restaurant owner who uses her money to improve the world..or at least her neighbourhood. I dream about owning a chocolate factory and being the first and best Arab and Muslim chocolate manufacturer. I dream about being one of the people who change the World’s view of Islam, and do what should be done, be a true Muslim through my actions and manners, not by bombing up innocent people. I dream about being the best role model for the people I know. I dream about influencing everyone I know in one way or another..in a positive way of course. I dream about mastering 7 different languages and using them to fulfill my other goals. I dream about living in a beautiful two storey house with a huge garden and a great pool. I dream about having an honest and open relationship with my husband and kissing him goodbye everyday before he leaves to work. I dream about having 4 adorable children whom I will raise to become the best role model they can be. I left out my health in all my dreams. For some reason, I just thought it would be there. But how am I to know? I might have all of the above, but not have the health to enjoy it. No one has everything, not even if your intention is correct and your goal is pleasing God. It’s just not right. It would not be fair to some people if others could just have everything while they have nothing, or close to nothing. One thing I am grateful for, I am not the one to choose which to give up.

Random Thoughts

Standing in total darkness..total silence, I peek out..it's not there. My friend is not there tonight. I wonder what could be wrong? I'm sure there's a good reason though.

I took in the whole scene again..the all too familiar tranquility and intense darkness. I loved every second of it. Looking out from my window, it feels like I live in one of those small cozy villages. Like those villages here in Egypt at the North Coast..where you would look out the window in the dark of the night and feel the beautiful weather and serenity embrace you. Like you are the child and the world is your loving tender mother. I know I talk about this scene outside my window a lot..but this wouldn't have been, if it did not stir different emotions in me each time. Sometimes they may even be emotions of sadness..but not tonight. Tonight I was at peace. Total peace. I could hardly feel the walls around me, or the window sill that is caging me in..I could feel like I was going to spread my wings and fly at any moment. One of the things I enjoy most about being with my brother..is that he is almost the opposite of what I am, yet we are like one mind in two bodies..of course not all the time! I mean, at situations where we're enjoying a quiet night just reading..or just sitting there enjoying the silence..we both just know what to do..what the other wouldn't like at that moment so we don't do it. It is such a blessing and a wonderful feeling to feel so synchronized with someone so close to you. It is a bond I hope will forever stay as close..but I'll make sure it doesn't ruin either our married lives..no intrusions allowed on either side.

Sometimes it is very scary when you know exactly what you want..but you can't describe it. You know that when you see it you will say "YES! That's it!", but when people ask you about it you're not really sure how to say it. Oh well..

So I'll go get some zzzz's now..I have a looong day ahead of me.

Cheers..

A Post About Nothing

Sometimes, when certain things happen to you, you don't know whether you should be happy or sad..flattered, or agitated. You get a wild mixture of emotions in only a few seconds..and you think your brain has stopped functioning. Well..a good workout and a cold shower can always help with that, trust me on that! You realize that sometimes, we can believe that something is so right for us..and when you see what God has in store for you, it is as if a light bulb has gone off in your head. You see the other side of the story and you realize "wow". Am I making any sense? I hope so..

Ironically enough, my mom just came in and said the EXACT same thing to me, she doesn't know what I've been thinking about, and in fact she was talking to me about my brother and my dad. Amazing how God keeps sending you messages all the time..only those of us who want to see them will.

And when He does send us a message, don't read too much into it..God works in much simpler ways. Sometimes it is the surface meaning we should take, and sometimes we should look deeper..just follow your heart and if you keep it pure, know that it will guide you to the right thing.

Mistakes...

We all make mistakes..we all do, really. Some are big mistakes..some small ones. It's the way life is, no one is mistake-proof. Normally, when we make a mistake start feeling guilty right after it; sometimes we dismiss the guilt..but sometimes it's too powerful to ignore. Again..that's the way life is. Logically, we should learn from our mistakes and not repeat them in the future. That doesn't always happen. In fact, that doesn't happen most of the time. We instinctively perform and repeat whatever action that gives us any form of pleasure, even if it's consequences are sour. The only actions that we do not repeat are those that do not give us any pleasure. For example, putting your hand in the oven while it's on 220 degrees Celcius, or sticking a pin in your finger wouldn't be something anyone would do over and over --except, of course, those who find pleasure in that..which is..well..freaky. But hey, to each his own!!

Basically, we're a species that learns by doing. We do something, we get hurt. Did it feel good? No. So we don't do it again. On the other hand, we might do something else, we get hurt. Did it feel good? Yes, it hurt but something else in that action gave me pleasure. I do it again. I know it will hurt, but it also gives me pleasure.

Now, wait a minute? Are you calling me stupid? What do you mean I'll do something again if I know it hurts? Even if it gives me pleasure, it still hurts..of course I won't do it. Hold it Hold it. CUT. I am NOT calling anyone stupid here. That is human nature. We seek anything that will give us pleasure, and we convince ourselves we can bear the pain, or the consequences.

So why would I do that? I could just do something that gives me pleasure and doesn't have painful consequences. Well, usually that thing that will bear unwanted consequences is wrong, and we know it is. Instinctively, doing the wrong thing is much MUCH easier to do than the right; so whenever we are depressed, in emotional pain, lonely, angry, jealous, frustrated..all that, we seek something to make us feel good. Of course, when you're in a mental state as such, you will look for the easy way out.

So the sequence of thoughts would be:

You're in a negative emotional/mental state --> you're not thinking straight, you want to feel better in any way--> Doing the right thing requires too much effort and hey, you could do it anytime!-->You give yourself an excuse to do the wrong thing because "you're angry, upset, hurt" or you "just want to do it"--> You start doing whatever it is that makes you feel better..all the while thinking "I know this will have consequences, but i don't care, I had to, I'm really tired, I've had it"--> you're done. You did what you were so desperate to do-->instantly, the satisfaction vanishes, the guilt appears.-->Uh Oh! This is the moment, your conscience is on its way, you're gonna get the whipping right now--> You're thinking of more excuses for doing something you knew was wrong, you run out of excuses..you start getting angry at yourself "why did I do this? Why did I let myself? I knew it was wrong, I shouldn't have done it. It wasn't that much fun anyway"-->But ofcourse, you don't admit that to anyone, you only say it to yourself-->Since you can't admit you feel guilty, you start getting short-tempered and angry, you take it out on whoever is around you and start saying "this is nobody's business, mind your own and keep your nose out of mine!"

Some of you will relate to this little story, others have it in another way..but it happens to all of us, one way or another. This doesn't make us bad, as I said, it is only human to make mistakes. BUT..it begins turning from 'human' to 'stupid' when you repeat it indefinitely. You know it hurts you, but you don't take any steps to stop it, you keep repeating it day after day, week after week, cigarette after cigarette, phone call after phone call, look after look..it all depends on what your mistake is..what is it that haunts you around and lurks on your every move..and ambushes you the moment you are weak. And the cycle starts again.


Does this mean we're doomed? Oh no, no way. God is far too generous and loving to leave us like that. First of all, we have the secret weapon of prayer. If we pray, we should know that He will never leave us, even if He responds a little later..there's always a reason for the delay. Second, in our times of strength, we should remind ourselves repeatedly of the pain we suffered from the consequences of our actions, so that in times of weakness it will be easier to remember what it will feel like IF we do this again. It helps, trust me.

Any feedback on this? I'd like to hear your thoughts, perhaps there might be something I could add to this. Thanks.

Sphygmomanometer..really, I'm not kidding!

I just learned how to measure blood pressure with the mercurial Sphygmomanometer (that's the device doctors measure blood pressure with. It's so cool to know how to do those things!!

After I measured my blood pressure, I put the stethoscope (the thing doctors listen to your heart with)on my chest, and i listened to the steady beats of my heart..It was unbelievable how relaxing that could be! u just listen....thud, thud, thud, thud...it really got me thinking, wow, sob7an Allah who made this heart the shape it is, working in the perfect, divine system that it works in, controlling the flow of blood to the whole body at all times, day and night..even during your sleep when you're totally uncounscious; your heart is still beating at a steady pace keeping you alive. What is more marvelous than that is that this seemingly powerful organ of your body is still not more than cells and tissues. So it's God that gives it the orders to keep working, to be strong enough to push the blood around your body in less than seconds, moving up to your head and down to your legs. And all this is done for who? YOU. This whole organized, stable, miraculous system works only for you, it's almsot as if you are the ruler of a whole kingdom, and all the workers in it are at YOUR service. You mistreat them by eating wrong, smoking, not exercising, oversleeping..and it still works for you. It never hands in it's resignation paper. No human on earth, no matter how much they love you or fear you would slave as much for you; they would reach a limit and say enough is enough.

Isn't that true? It's one of those times I become dumbstruck by another of God's miracles on Earth. Our bodies and their systems, nature and its system, animals, trees, insects, the solar system..and most importantly of all that..how ALL these things have been made by Allah to serve us, humans. They are His gift for us in this life. The sad thing is, after all that, we don't see why we should obey Him, follow Him, make sacrifices in our lives for Him, at the very least put Him into our consideration when we're making decisions throughout our day.

We all agree that being able to see, hear, feel, taste, and smell, the five basic senses, are great blessings. Yet we never really thank Him for these things. We take them for granted and see them as something we HAVE to have, it's common sense. But the truth is, we don't. We could have been born without one, two, or even three of those senses (and I'm only talking about the 5 BASIC senses..not to mention the millions of other things in our bodies alone). Isn't it true? Couldn't He have made us unable to smell? or see? or touch? Some people are born that way. That is their hardship in life, and God help them in managing it well. So why do take them for granted? Why don't we ever say something as simple as "Thank you God, for making me see, hear, feel, smell, and taste" See? It's dead simple. Not even time consuming!! And you know what? the good thing about this, is that Allah says "la2in shakartom la azeedannakom", which basically means in english, "If you thank me, I shall give you more" WOW! As simple as that!! No climbing mountains or breaking records to win Allah's kindness; all you have to do is be thankful for what He has given you. So you ask me, how could he give us more? it's not as if I'll see more or hear more when I thank Him!! Well, maybe not, but at least He's going to protect your senses for you, prevent an accident that was going to happen to you and cost you one of those senses. That's just as good, isn't it?

So, now whenever you remember something He gave you and you feel blessed because of it, thank Him; it doesn't have to be only these five senses..anything you have was given to you by Him. There is absolutely no doubt or question about it. So..go ahead people, thank Him at any time and at all times, in any way, form, or language..after all, it was Him who inspired us with these languages, right? :)

I've Learned..

Throughout my life, I've learned many many things. Sometimes I appreciate everything I've learned..and sometimes I feel that the sky is falling.

I've learned that the fear of the unknown is one common type of fear that all humans share.

I've learned that it's ok to give yourself a break every once in a while and go against routine and guidelines.

I've learned that the best way to learn how to forgive, is by getting hurt...

I've learned that the best way to live is to be YOU.

I've learned that it's ok when people do stupid things that upset or hurt you..because you've done it too

I've discovered that the best way to learn is by observing

I've come to realize that the more you want something, the longer it will take for you to have it..

I've learned that laughter IS the best medicine

and I've decided that when I get a chance to laugh out loud and forget the whole world..I shouldn't stop myself

I've always believed that friends are so important..make some because you'll need them one day

I've discovered that even if I don't have a bestfriend, or at least a close friend..that I should have a good relationship with EVERYONE I know.

I know that extremism is a foolish way to live.

I've come to believe that getting deeply hurt...is something no one should take lightly, it's important, it matters.

I've discovered that lonliness can drive you crazy, and can push you to weird thoughts and feelings

I've discovered that you can be lonely even if you're surrounded by millions of people who love you. Yes, you can.

I've learned that doing someone a favour is a great thing. But making them feel that it was a favour just takes away the greatness of it.

I've discovered that reading can sometimes be a great way to relieve stress..and so can writing.

Everyone has a story in their life. Everyone. Young and old. Poor and rich. Strong and weak. They all have a story, they all live for something.

I've noticed that the most peaceful time of the day, is when everyone has gone to bed at night and you're all alone in a room lit by a small lamp on your bedside table. It feels good.

I've discovered that for some people, a smile that you give them on your way could change their life for the better. And you thought it was only a smile.

Is it possible for someone to be lonely for the rest of their lives? I wonder..

I've discovered that the way people see you everyday is not close to how you really feel or think inside.

I've learned that we don't only do things because we "want" to, or because we "like" doing them.

I've always believed that perfection only leads to misery. Excellence, on the other hand, is a beautiful concept.

I've discovered that the conflicts we have and the differences that we can't stand in each other, are the most amazing spice of life.

I've learned, discovered, realized..and I have yet to learn.

But will I always..

will I?

I wonder. I really do.

Happiness Vs. Satisfaction

Hello people..

You know, i was looking through my stuff, and found an old notebook i used to carry around everywhere and write or doodle anything that came up in my mind. I discovered a lot of things about myself looking through that notebook..but most importantly, i found an entry i had wrote while on a plane. I was travelling from Egypt to spend the summer vacation in Kuwait. It's amazing what you write and then totally forget about! Anyway, so this entry was about happiness, what the true meaning of happiness was. In this post, I'll type up what I had wrote back then, and then I'll write a similar piece of text I had written several days ago as a comment to a friend's post here on Blogger.

In the notebook, I wrote..

"In so many different languages, in so many words..philosophers, thinkers and believers have tried to define happiness..However..could there really be a true, particular, defined meaning of happiness? Happiness is such a broad word, so vague..it has a different meaning to everyone. a special, personal meaning..
For one, happiness is being with their loved one, to another it may mean succeeding in everything and being superior to everyone..some think of happiness as a fairy tale..non-existent. i suppose only pessimists think that way..is anyone truly happy? Did anyone find the magic potion of happiness? I guess only fools would be looking for something like that..Happiness is right under everybody's noses..they are just too blinded by materialistic thoughts and desires to see it. Those who have wealth think they can buy happiness with their wealth, and those who don't mourn their luck and call life unfair...
Happiness is in love, forgiveness, hope, faith, belief in oneself and in others. It means giving second chances and smiling to people on your way. It means starting all over again and bouncing back up when you fall..it means giving before taking and fulfilling before expecting. It is thinking of others before yourself and loving unconditionally..is that what happiness is? is that what it means? I think this works for everyone..so there could be a definition for happiness after all..I guess.."


When I compared that what I wrote these days, i noticed a noticeable difference in thinking and style. I really enjoyed the comparison and hope you do to. Note that the first entry was writted when i was about 17 or 18. This new one I wrote and I'm now 20.

Here goes..

"you know what, i've been thinking about what you said about people just putting on a happy face in public. i've been thinking about that for years and as i always do, i observe everything that happens around me. I guess i've been searching for the meaning of "sincere happiness" for a looong time.personally, when i've got a problem or issue on my mind, i can't hide it. i'm the kind of person who's feelings are written on her forehead. you could say i wear my heart on my sleeve. That's a good thing, because when i'm excited or expressing joy, people know it's authentic. however, when i'm preoccupied and really thinking of something, sometimes when i just walk through the university gate and see my friends i'm like a totally different person. i like temporarily forget about all my worries when i'm with them. maybe i subconciously do that for the sake of not being a drag, you know, it's not their problem to deal with, and if im not willing to share it, what's the point in telling them "oh no, i'm fine, nothing's wrong" and walk around like i just lost my bestfriend! i only like really can't hide it when it's huge and i've reached my limit. i don't snap out or anything, but i walk around looking like someone died. and it shows because i'm usually a cheerful, laughing person so ppl could tell a mile away!so anywayz..i, too, am in search for happiness..for many years i've felt like something was missing in my heart. i've got, alhamdulelah (that is Thank God in Arabic), the family, the friends, the faith, and my self-respect..but there was just this sth that i would, for a second or two, even within the most crowded of groups or gatherings, i would just back away mentally and ask myself "what is it? it's like something should be there that isn't" i still cannot find that thing..at times though, when i would be really peaceful and tranquil internally, i would feel that what the whole human race is looking for, which is happiness, really lies before our eyes..it's difficult to achieve in the beginning, but once u start, Allah (that is the word for God in Arabic) guides you the rest of the way. What is it then? It's satisfaction. to be satisfied with Allah and what he has given us. That is like flipping a switch that will in turn make you satisfied with your life, your self, family, situation, friends, and even the hardships. and as we know, the hadeeth says: "man radeya fa laho al reda" Which basically means: he who will try to become satisfied, I will give him the gift of satisfaction (or being satisfied with what you have). Another hadeeth says: "man radeya beqadary a3taytoho 3ala qadry". Meaning that if you are satisfied with Allah's fate for you, he will in turn give you with his own measure --implying here Allah's measure of kindness, and i need not speak of that (NB. These are not translations of the hadeeths, they are only explanations). I guess the thing is with humanity, it's been looking in the wrong direction all of that time. Bottom line is: If you're looking, look for how become a satisfied person, not a happy one. I'm guessing happiness is only meant for us in heaven.If I were to elaborate on that, i'd say that satisfaction requires effort to reach (which could be a way for Allah to tell us, people, nothing comes easy in this life). however, happiness does not require effort, it's something that we're always looking for in things that are outside of our circle of control. we look for it in money, possessions, friends, relationships, love..the usual. but if you try to say, i'm looking for satisfaction in money, you're bound to find that if you want satisfaction in any of the above mentioned, you will have to work at it. you will have to think of all the blessings that you're granted and sincerely appreciate them, you'll have to look at the less fortunate and thank the lord, you'll have to imagine ur life without just one of those blessings to realize that you're the luckiest person alive. when you get the taste of satisfaction once, believe me, you'll crave it everytime it goes, and you'll crave it so bad that if you really turn to Allah, and asked him for the right direction, he will lead you right to it. you will find yourself willing and glad to exert whatever effort it takes to feel the satisfaction again.ok! that was long, but it was an inspiration that Allah just gave me right now, i had to write it before it went away.Thank God i did."

Although the age difference between the two times I've written isn't that huge, but i could certainly trace some differences and similarities. I've been through a great deal since the time I wrote the first entry..a great deal that has taught me most of the things I've learned about life so far. Yeah..I guess you could say I've had an epiphany during that time...a very long epiphany!

That's all I've got to say for now..gotta go do some stuff for my graduation project :-s

but people..I would certainly love to hear any thoughts you have on this topic. No matter how short or long, I'd love to hear it so please send me any comments you feel like you want to share.

Toodles..

Superficiality: Parenting or Personality?

you know..it strikes me how some people could be so damn superficial. Have you ever had a friend or colleague who's just so superficial it made you laugh?! Well..i do, and i don't know whether i should laugh, or slap the dude ::roll eyes::

I have a colleague in university, he falls in the category of people who i just shared one or two classes with throughout the whole eight semesters. We bumped into each other at the beginning of this semester and exchanged the usual 'hi, how are ya' kinda thing. Incidentally, this semester I've started wearing my glasses again (I'd been wearing contacts for the last 2 1/2 years), so this was the first time he'd see me in glasses. Now, i know i don't look bad in glasses. i used to believe that before (but i won't get into that now, it's a loong story). So after the hi's and all, this guy stared at me in shock (literally) and was like "oh my God, Lubna, WHY are you wearing glasses?" I gave a little lopsided smile and something that sounded like a smoking engine and told him "well, I just got tired of wearing contacts, and my eyes started irritating me" but as if the open-mouth gape he gave me wasn't enough, he said "NO...No, wear your contacts, don't wear your glasses anymore" (OUCH!) ok dude, i just told u my eyes aren't well, WHAT are you talking about? Gosh..anywayz, so since i was expecting this reaction from some people, i acted normal and just told him "why? my eyes became very sensitive from wearing them too much, and besides, i'm not at a fashion show, this is university. who cares?" would he get the hint and SHUT UP?? ooooh no, not this dude! he went on as if i've been standing there silent for the past 10 minutes "but you look so much better with your contacts (ie. without glasses), please, don't wear your glasses anymore" OH MY GOD! could i slap you or what?! That's when i stopped smiling and just turned to the cashier guy, just like that. i mean, umm, excuse me: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU TO EVEN HAVE AN OPINION IN THE WAY I LOOK? i could look like a monkey for all i care and i wouldn't even want to know what he thinks. of course i didn't tell him that last part..but i sure was thinking it. the conversation went on like that till i told him "c'mon i'm telling you my health is in danger, what more do u want?" he was still insisting that i look so much better without the glasses. ::BIG roll eyes:: finally..just before i walked away, i told him "Well, you know what, if you don't like the way i look, don't look at me!!" That was as nice as i could put it. oh for the number of things i had in my head to say to him! ANYWAY! the best thing was watching his face drop when i said that!! You deserve it baby! Oh yeah..


Can you believe that guy? now is that superficiality in the flesh or what?

i mean he's not my friend, he's not my fiance, he's not my husband, he doesn't even like me..why the hell would he care how i look..besides, i DON'T EVEN LOOK BAD!

whatever, so besides that dude getting on my nerves for like a split second, this incident got me thinking; it made me realize how some people only deal with people who fulfill a certain standard of beauty. and amazingly, the moment this person's friends are no longer beautiful (or at least he/she think so) for some reason, this person could just walk by them like they don't even know their name.

This made me wonder..what makes one person so superficial and another so deep. I said to myself, it's got to be the parenting, a child grows up, sees that his parent(s) give so much attention to appearances the kid is bound to end up thinking that way, and vice versa. But wait a minute, how about if two siblings, grew up in the same house, with the same parents and circumstances, and one turned out one way and the other turned out the complete opposite. Well...i was discussing this with a friend of mine, and it didn't take us long to figure out a possible solution or reason for that; she said that it's probably the person's willingness to become that way, then i said but the parenting must have some hand in that - they either encourage that side or dicourage it in their child. So the final result of that conversation was: it's both. The two factors contribute to making a person grow up to be superficial or not: The parents, and the childs willingness.

But i have a feeling that this isn't all..say for example, that a child has the willingness, and his parents encourage him (to become superficial), and then throughout the course of that child's (now an adult) life something happens to him that makes him see things differently, so he knows that this is something bad, and decides to change his view of things. There you have the two factors, but still and unsuperficial person. Does this mean we have a third factor now? Life's Circumstances? Hmm..perhaps..

Does anyone else think about this? If you do, I'd love to hear your thoughts on that issue, perhaps i'd learn something new from you :)

toodles..