21...Here I Come :)

I was fascinated a few days ago to realize that so much has developed in my personality, i mean, now i actually HAVE a personality! I have finally reached that stage in my life; where when you think of Lubna you think of a certain set of beliefs, a way of thinking, dressing, eating, laughing, appearing, talking. I have an amazing sense of satisfaction and relief in my heart. This is what I have been looking for all those years, this has been the horrible sense of loss and invisibility I have been living in. I used to crave belonging so badly, it was the most important thing to me. I thought I would find it in love, but that didn't turn out too well. I thought it would be with friends, but then I realized that that's not the way to find yourself either. I never really considered joining a cult or anything that extreme; but I did have a breakthrough - I figured I have to learn to belong to myself first and THEN I could get more belonging "energy" from love, friendship, family, religion, school, country..i could go on for paragraphs. The basis is to learn to have this sense of belonging to yourself first; and you get that by knowing who you are. You know what you allow and don't allow yourself to do, you know how you would like people to see you in the way you dress, talk, eat, laugh, converse, argue, etc etc. Initially, we were all born the same more or less; the first few years of our life we are formed by our parents, do this don't do this, that kind of thing. Then we grow up a little, we start to rebel, we want to do things our way, discover the world on our own, make our own mistakes; then a few years later we find ourselves lost and meaningless, we try to imitate everything and everyone around us. First we imitate our friends, then maybe a celebrity, some of us even imitate their parents - it all depends on who has the most influence on your life. To create a better picture here, I would say it is like going to a shop trying to buy clothes on your own for the time ever, you have no guidance as to what color, size, or shape would fit you. You walk into the shop, alone and somewhat scared, you feel like the shop is larger than it used to be, you keep walking until you bump into the first rack - pants - you pick out a few that you think would look good and you head to the fitting room to try them on..some seemingly fit and others don't, you're confused and unsure why they don't, maybe you need a bigger size or a different cut. Deep inside, you would wish that whoever used to pick out your clothes would magically appear in the room and make that decision for you, whereas if someone does come up to you and try to help you get all defensive and feel threatened that they're trying to take away your freedom. Wierd, huh? So anyway, the years pass by you've bought so many pants and shirts that don't fit, you've had help with some - probably those who do fit - and others you've had to decide to buy on your own - probably those who don't! However, after a huge collection of mismatching pants and shirts you now have the skills you need to buy clothes on your own, and although you still make a mistake every once in a while and buy those army pants that look horrible on you, or those pair of sunglasses that make you look like a fly, the number of mistake you make has been noticeably minimized. One day, you wake up and live your day as usual not aware that a critical change has occured inside you until you meet someone who may ask you something, anything, and through your answer you find yourself amazed at the way you are presenting your thoughts and ideas, and forming opinions about something in a way you never did before. You then spend some time alone, reflecting on the past few months and how you have been acting and reacting, on what your criteria have been when you came to make a decision, and how thoughts, ideas, and opinions that form in your mind differ from those that formed in your head over the course of your life. That, my friends, is when you know you have grown up..or at least began to.


Oh, and wouldn't it make sense for me to start growing up now that I'm four days away from my 21st birthday? Yessir, that's right :D

It Hurts to Be A Big Girl =(

I've been giving a lot of thought to what "growing up" means; of course everyone's definition of a certain term will vary to some extent, but more or less, they all have to meet on some kind of common grounds. So to me it was like cinderella's shoes, I had one pair and I didn't know who's foot it will be the perfect fit for. However, I came up with some sort of an idea about what it means to be a grown-up.



Being a grown-up is being able to tell yourself "I don't REALLY need this new, unbelievably cool phone right now..I guess I could wait a few months" even if you're dying inside and everyone else has it.



Being a grown-up is taking the blame for forgetting to clean out the fish tank causing one of the fish to die, rather than pointing fingers at everyone and trying to weasel your way out of it.



Being a grown-up is having the courage to put yourself behind in favor of the group interest.



Being a grown-up is having the guts to say you're sorry when you've screwed up.



It's not always easy being a grown-up, and it's pretty shitty most of the time but knowing that you reached that level of maturity gives you an incredible sense of power and satisfaction. People could be 50 and 60 years old but have the maturity of a 10 year old. Others could be 20 and 30 and have the maturity of 70.



We all face painful things in our lives, we all cry - even if only in private, but the really mature know how to get their crying over with and start gaining the skills they need to deal with their problems. Because there will always be problems, they may be immediately close to you or far away, they may be yours or others', they may be related to the past, present, or the future. but one thing I know for sure is that they will always be there waiting to give you yet another test of character. It's really up to us whether we pass or not.

My Flower

Walking through the university gate, passing by the flowers and gardens along the way..watching people socialize even though they're half asleep..all the sounds, scents, faces..A scene that I've come to love so much. It's grown on me. It somehow makes me feel safe now, the familiarity of the whole atmosphere just warms me up even on the coldest mornings. There is a certain flower that I particularly love. It looks heavenly to me. A very delicate flower, semi-translucent petals, you can see it's "veins" if you know what I mean..there are so many colors of it..yellow, orange, red, but my favorite is the fuschia/magenta color. It has this deep intense color..it takes you in. Makes you want to reach out and embrace them. The garden isn't exactly at ground level, it is a little like on a hill and the highest point of that hill is the one next to the wall that separates the path we walk on from the garden. So anyway, I was walking this morning, and at one point I realized that I was walking under my favorite flower. I was tempted to reach out and touch it. I was just about to stretch my arm..it was, after all, just above my head. Then a thought occured to me. We don't always do what occurs to us, what we wish for..what we just "want to do". I remembered how when we were children our parents would always tell us "don't touch this" "don't do that" you know, normal parenting! And as a very curious kid I got that a lot..only by the time my mom actually saw me..it was too late!! Aah..good old days :)

I know this particuar situation is trivial..or seems trivial. I mean, I could dramaticize it if I want, like say, for example that certain flowers die (the petals turn brown and dry out) if you touch them..and that when I put my hand on it I will certainly be tempted to pick one (it wasn't just one, like a whole bouquet of them). I knew that picking one would certainly hurt it..because it wasn't going to last long with me. I like drying flowers, but this one is too delicate to dry..it would've shrivelled up.

Anyway, so that brought to my mind how when we start to grow up, we give ourselves certain restrictions, we don't just do whatever comes to our mind. There is, ofcourse, spontaneity; but that's a different story..that's the story of my life. Then there's foolishness, immaturity. Doing something just because you want to, without considering the consequences and reprecussions. I realized, at that very moment under the flower, that this self-control comes with the territory. It comes with growing up and maturing. Some people don't feel it..they just do it. Some people have to train themselves for a long time before they grasp the concept. And of course, there are those people that don't even think about it, and don't really care to. These are the people that we see speeding up in a puddle just to see the water splash..but there are people on the sidewalk, there are other cars on the road. There are people going to work, coming home after a long day, or on their way to big appointment/meeting. This kind of thing would sure as hell piss them off! I realize that you know you have grown up and matured when you find yourself stopping yourself from doing something you know is wrong or in some way painful to others.

It actually feels good to reach that realization.

My dear friends..stop and think before you do or say something that you can never take back, and may hurt someone, even if that someone is yourself. And don't convince yourself that you deserve something just because you want it. Personally I am a very curious person..and the number of things that I would love to try and do and say..they are endless. I'm sure if I let go of myself I wouldn't be a very pleasant person..let me just tell you this: I love experimenting with fire! So if no one else minded..I know my parents will!