21...Here I Come :)

I was fascinated a few days ago to realize that so much has developed in my personality, i mean, now i actually HAVE a personality! I have finally reached that stage in my life; where when you think of Lubna you think of a certain set of beliefs, a way of thinking, dressing, eating, laughing, appearing, talking. I have an amazing sense of satisfaction and relief in my heart. This is what I have been looking for all those years, this has been the horrible sense of loss and invisibility I have been living in. I used to crave belonging so badly, it was the most important thing to me. I thought I would find it in love, but that didn't turn out too well. I thought it would be with friends, but then I realized that that's not the way to find yourself either. I never really considered joining a cult or anything that extreme; but I did have a breakthrough - I figured I have to learn to belong to myself first and THEN I could get more belonging "energy" from love, friendship, family, religion, school, country..i could go on for paragraphs. The basis is to learn to have this sense of belonging to yourself first; and you get that by knowing who you are. You know what you allow and don't allow yourself to do, you know how you would like people to see you in the way you dress, talk, eat, laugh, converse, argue, etc etc. Initially, we were all born the same more or less; the first few years of our life we are formed by our parents, do this don't do this, that kind of thing. Then we grow up a little, we start to rebel, we want to do things our way, discover the world on our own, make our own mistakes; then a few years later we find ourselves lost and meaningless, we try to imitate everything and everyone around us. First we imitate our friends, then maybe a celebrity, some of us even imitate their parents - it all depends on who has the most influence on your life. To create a better picture here, I would say it is like going to a shop trying to buy clothes on your own for the time ever, you have no guidance as to what color, size, or shape would fit you. You walk into the shop, alone and somewhat scared, you feel like the shop is larger than it used to be, you keep walking until you bump into the first rack - pants - you pick out a few that you think would look good and you head to the fitting room to try them on..some seemingly fit and others don't, you're confused and unsure why they don't, maybe you need a bigger size or a different cut. Deep inside, you would wish that whoever used to pick out your clothes would magically appear in the room and make that decision for you, whereas if someone does come up to you and try to help you get all defensive and feel threatened that they're trying to take away your freedom. Wierd, huh? So anyway, the years pass by you've bought so many pants and shirts that don't fit, you've had help with some - probably those who do fit - and others you've had to decide to buy on your own - probably those who don't! However, after a huge collection of mismatching pants and shirts you now have the skills you need to buy clothes on your own, and although you still make a mistake every once in a while and buy those army pants that look horrible on you, or those pair of sunglasses that make you look like a fly, the number of mistake you make has been noticeably minimized. One day, you wake up and live your day as usual not aware that a critical change has occured inside you until you meet someone who may ask you something, anything, and through your answer you find yourself amazed at the way you are presenting your thoughts and ideas, and forming opinions about something in a way you never did before. You then spend some time alone, reflecting on the past few months and how you have been acting and reacting, on what your criteria have been when you came to make a decision, and how thoughts, ideas, and opinions that form in your mind differ from those that formed in your head over the course of your life. That, my friends, is when you know you have grown up..or at least began to.


Oh, and wouldn't it make sense for me to start growing up now that I'm four days away from my 21st birthday? Yessir, that's right :D